Pregnant and huge MIL/DP mess

[Choogalooga]

Never posted before so hope I'm following correct conventions... Been looking at various MIL posts - of which there are LOTS! - but would value any advice/thoughts about my situation...

Had OK/good relationships with all DPs relatives prior to arrival of DS but have struggled with MIL since (2+ years). Prior to arrival of DS we would see his family (all live locally, 20 mins max in car) round whatever we were doing - perhaps a meal at theirs or at a pub once every few weeks or once in a couple of months. DPs parents divorced when he was little so it has been normal for us - since DS arrived - to see his mum and stepdad every Sat and his dad and his partner every Sun. This has always been a bit much for me but I went along with it for DPs sake. When I did try to broach subject once that I'd prefer a bit more "us" time at weekends DP got fairly shirty. I don't object to spending time with them, I just don't want to spend so much time with them. My main issue is with my MIL and SFIL - they phone up and invite themselves over and pop over uninvited. Not every day or even week but enough for me to dread phone ringing/someone knocking on the door. When I've tried telling DP how I feel he says "well we weren't doing anything". Current situation is that DP and I have had a very rocky time since DS arrived - I was diagnosed with PND (have had several bouts of depression over years prior to this) but stopped taking my anti-depressants within a few months of treatment starting as fell pregnant again. Sadly miscarried at 10 weeks. Had a very up/down time after, not helped by major house renovations - hugely stressful as am SAHM so builders etc bashing hell out of everything while DS a baby was hideous beyond belief, plus DP works long hours (gets in just before 7 every night) with very demanding job) and he was doing lots of work on house himself so I felt extremely alone. I got to the end of my tether in the summer after months of arguing/not talking/him going to pub/me feeling desperately unhappy and kicked him out. I acted awfully - shouting, swearing - and was unbelievably horrible to him but I just couldn't carry on feeling so alone and unloved. We got back together and started to rebuild our lives and had sessions with Relate. I also went back on meds and asked GP to refer me for therapy. While we were apart he suggested I talked to his mum (I've since found out this was her idea) so I invited her over to talk about mine and DPs relationship. I thought that if she could see why I'd flipped she might be able to get DP to see things from my side. I totally didn't expect her to side with me but what wasnt expecting was for her to launch into telling me a load of things that she had obviously been bottling up about my relationship with my son (too close) and my parenting decisions about naps (he should sleep on sofa and not cot). She also went into a major attack about her XH (DPs dad) and although I obviously know they split up 30 plus years ago I'd never known details (none of my business). She hates him as she "had to fight for every bit of access" for her two kids (my DP and his sis) after she had an affair and walked out to live with other man (now her husband). She made it clear that I was unreasonable for not seeing her for three weeks after miscarriage. I didn't want to see anyone! It wasn't personal! And I had a whole lecture about how affectionate her and her hubby are and that they were always commenting on how me and DP weren't. She didn't say anything evil but she did, I feel, overstep mark by slagging off DPs dad - lovely man - and telling me things I was doing wrong as mother. MIL and SFIL sold up and moved 10 mins away while I was preg with DS as she assumed she would look after him when I returned to work. She looked after her GD when her DD went back to work at 5 plus months. She never makes outright nasty comments but has made so many little digs and interfered so often that I've just had it with her. To share all would be impossible. Her chat with me upset me but when DP and I got back together I tried to push to back of mind and get on with things. We'd see them at weekends etc etc. things came to a head recently as MIL kept asking DP what was up with me and he pushed and pushed til I told him what she'd said. He then told her and now both MIL and SFIL have said they don't want anything to do with me. DP and I are hardly speaking and he's just taking DS over to her house for dinner etc without me. He blames me totally for situation. So fed up. Scan next week and don't think I can bear to go. Feel like I was living my life around them and now they get to shut me out and dictate what my DS and DP do too.
Prob missed loads of crucial stuff out so if doesn't make sense...
Help... Anyone...

[MommyBird]

You haven't caused any of this, your Mil has.
She has been rude, selfish and manipulative.
Your DP is being spineless and should be standing up for you.

There is no way in hell I would let my child go someone's house to spoke to me like that. She treated you like crap, got your DP to agree with her, now wants nothing to do with you but wants your DC

I'd blow my top. Have it out with my DP and if there was no change I'd have min and DCs bags packed and I'd be staying with my parents.

[Choogalooga]

Thanks for taking time to read post and reply Mommybird . I am very upset and angry with DP over situation but do feel it's awkward for him - as he put it, three of the people he loves most aren't talking. But, even though I was angry/upset by her I still made effort to see them for DPs sake. She's just acting like victim and he's letting her. I know if I'd said I didn't want anything to do with them he'd have told me that was unacceptable and to pack it in. He's not said that to her. He's "trying to keep everyone happy". He says they are hurting and give them time but I'm just getting angrier and more upset - even though trying to let wash over head for unborn baby's sake. Situation isn't going to improve by letting it go on. Is it?

[Electriclaundryland]

What the fuck is wrong with mothers in law on Mumsnet tonight? OP, you poor thing.

Does your DP not mind his mother treating him as a child and undermining his chance at an adult relationship then?

I'm sorry you have to deal with this dysfunctional bunch of twats.

[CrapBag]

Hi, many meters prefer paragraphs and it does make it easier to read. Only saying as you're a newbie.

Anyway, YANBU. It is natural to not want to spend every single weekend with your H's family and he is being an arse if he can't see that. Do you have family, around? If so when do you get to see them?

You have a problem with your H. If he will not step up and defend his partner then he should bugger off back to his precious mother. You should not let him treat you this way, or her.

Are you getting any help for the pnd now? I had it twice and it sucks. We also had housing problems at the time so I can completely sympathise with how you feel and situations like yours really don't help. Your H needs to step up and give you some support and help. If he won't I would honestly think about whether you can put up with this long term.

[CrapBag]

That should be Mnetters. Stupid auto correct.

[MommyBird]

I've been where you are, my MIL was a nasty piece of work and treated DH, me and our DDs really bad.

To my DH her behaviour was normal, it was just the way she was. He knew deep down what she was like but couldn't admit it.

If you go over to the 'Relationships' board there's a thread called 'but we took you to stately homes!' You'd be better posting in there, it's for people like us who have Toxic narcissistic people in our life and how to deal with them.

In all honesty. You need to talk to your DP. You need to be a team. Her behaviour is not ok and your DP need to stand up for you!

[bimbobaggins]

Exactly what mommybird said.

I too have had a nasty piece of work mil. She never liked me the whole of our relationship. We recently seperated which was the best thing we could have done . But the biggest satisfaction i have is knowing i never need to see her again.

[Jessbags001]

This sounds hard, poor you.

Your DP is in an awkward position when three of the people he loves most aren't talking. But when that happens, surely it should be YOU that he chooses to stand by and defend (even if he does think you're partly in the wrong, I'm not saying you are btw).

MILs and DILs sometime have tumultuous relationships. It sucks when it happens. But the DH/DP's job is surely to always have his partner's back (and you his), sometimes this will mean a gentle word with you to say YABU, other times to tell mum to back off. But always to make you feel supported and that your feelings are his first concern.

Is he always like this in issues you need support with, or is this an issue only surrounding his mum?

Perhaps your conversations with him about this have always been fights, so that his defences are up and he doesn't really hear you?

[nicenewdusters]

Firstly, so sorry about your miscarriage. You've clearly had a very difficult couple of years.

My first reaction to your situation was that you should be considering going no contact with your mil. However, this decision has been made for you. Although I can see this might be infuriating for you, that they've said they want nothing more to do with you, they've done you a favour. I think you would have been more than justified in doing this. Now you don't have to make the decision or justify it.

You say they've shut you out and get to dictate what your dh and ds do. Well, you're outside a place you don't want to be, so embrace it and try and see it as freeing (this will take time). They don't get to dictate what your dh and ds do. Your dh is responsible for what he does. If he allows himself to be swayed by his parents then he needs to consider why their needs/views outweigh yours.

As regards your ds, you're a SAHM, the principal carer, and currently carrying their next grandchild. You hold all the cards. It doesn't matter what mil thinks you should do as regards sleeping, feeding etc. It's not her baby and she doesn't get a say. You were hoping to cut down on visits before (fwiw I think every weekend is excessive). Well, given she'll now only be seeing her dgc when you agree your dh can take them over, she'll be seeing a lot less of them.

I think your dh is being massively unfair by saying it's all your fault.

D'you think he's still feeling a lot of resentment about your earlier split ? Do you think he would have taken his mum's side even if your relationship was in a better place ?

Also, what sort of relationship does he have with his mum generally ?

It looks like he has failed to support you sufficiently over several things in the last couple of years. Is the mil situation just another example of this ?

[Choogalooga]

Dear all - thanks so much for replies.

My parents live about three hours away and we see them perhaps a few times a year. It would be nice if they lived closer but it doesn't bother me that much as I've always been an independent person and have never lived "locally" to them since going to uni - I've moved all over country and even abroad for a brief period. I've always had a fantastic relationship with my dad but my mum and I have had a more rocky time. However, since the split in the summer she's been fantastic and I feel a million times closer to her.

My DP has a very close relationship with all his family and they've always lived close to each other - apart from a brief stint when he moved to Cambridge for work.

I want my DP, my DS and me to have a good relationship with all our family members but I guess our personalities/upbringings/experiences mean my DP and I differ slightly (understatement!) on what is reasonable in regards to this.

For the majority of our relationship (7 years) my DP has been loving and supportive but since the arrival of DS I no longer feel he has my back. Perhaps unfairly.

He works really hard for his family, both at work and slogging his guts out on our home, but I feel he's become emotionally distant.

I think he feels that I overreact to things. Perhaps I do? It's hard knowing whether you are being OTT sometimes when you feel low - which is why I asked GP to refer me.

However, I think DP finds it all too easy to blame me, my moods, my anger, my depression than see that things are unacceptable, that it is ok for me to be angry/upset by someone/something.

My ILs know about the miscarriage and I'm really struggling to see that their "hurt" warrants shutting me out right at a time when I'm extremely vulnerable. This all kicked off a few days before I hit week 10. A week I was DREADING.

I was so happy when I found out I was expecting - DP and I wanted a bro or sis for our DS but I'm an older mum so thought I'd missed the boat - but everyday I go to loo and dread seeing blood... I can't see how anyone would think it's reasonable behaviour to shut out their son's pregnant GF right at the point she lost the last baby!

I do think he struggles to "hear" me as I feel so let down by him - for various reasons - that conversations descend into rows. I shout, scream, swear get hysterical. Not on, I know. I just get so frustrated.

He would honestly say that his mum and stepdad are wonderful people. He says they love me. They have been incredibly kind to us - and me - and have always been more than willing to help us but I still don't feel that gives them the right to walk all over our lives.

They know how much DP works and how little time the three of us have had to spend time together but they still think that if they've nothing better to do it's ok to pop over.

I know plenty of people would love in laws willing to have DS at the drop if a hat but I think it should be on our terms not theirs...

I've thought about going to stay at my parents for a bit as this has made me feel dangerously low but it would be the nail in the coffin if I took DS and DP would never forgive me. TBH I don't think I'd be very impressed if he sodded off with DS!

Just feel stuck. I've tried talking to DP. He either wants time to "digest" it all. Or says I'm a "big girl" and should work out how to sort it out. He doesn't want me to see his mum or stepdad - he thinks I'll kick off. Oh and they're too "hurt". He says I should just forgive and forget.

[CrapBag]

No you are not overreacting. No you should not forgive and forget. And yes he is letting you down.

It's hard to see things clearly when you are down. Their treatment over you when you had a miscarriage is disgusting and they are making it all about them not thinking of you at all. You should be your DPs priority, not his mum.

[Choogalooga]

Oh and it's currently not when DP and I agree he can take DS over to see them. She invites, he goes. No consultation with me. I even tried putting my foot down on Sat and he just went. I even tried giving him an ultimatum - won't be here when you get back - but he went. It was his mum's birthday two days later and he wasn't going to see her on the day so had to be then. Fair enough? Maybe, but he'd had it arranged for days and only informed me on the Saturday. Is a bit of consideration too much to ask for?

[Castlemilk]

Then if he thinks it's ok to do that, then yes you DO take DS and go to your parents.

Because if you don't, then this is your life. You be the incubator, then your DP's family get to take the child.

Think ahead. How do you think you'll feel when your four year old is telling you 'Don't be silly Mummy, Granny loves me best. You don't really know anything and you're not part of OUR family, Granny said. That's why you don't come with us to visit.'

Think very very hard whether you want a relationship with a man who indeed does very much not have your back, and who has parents like this. It's a very bleak looking future and bleak family life.

You are currently pregnant. You can go where you like with your baby; you can take your son. You have more power now than you ever will have - go to your parents, tell your DP that he is choosing his birth family over yours and until he can decide not to do that, there is no family in your own home for your to be part of. And you'd rather your children be with you, on your own terms.

[Choogalooga]

I see your point Castlemilk but I've read so many MIL threads on here that no matter how angry/disgusted I am by my ILs behaviour I do see the point a lot of people make about the importance of ensuring your children have good relationships with their GPs. My nan was like a mum to me... And a few hours a week isn't the same as walking away from someone with their child permanently.

I think I am hard work for DP and whatever she's done my MIL is still his mum - I've forgiven mine for some atrocious things she's done.

All I want is for him to say - you want us to come to dinner, that's fine but we all come.

[nicenewdusters]

Your dh has said that you should just forgive and forget. Does this also apply to his parents, that they should forgive and forget when it comes to you ? They're the ones who said they don't want to see you, not much forgiveness there.

As regards the relationship between gp and gc. Of course in an ideal world this is maintained. I am non contact with my fil but my dp takes our dc to see them. Your ds sounds very young, and if he doesn't see his gp much over the next few weeks/months whilst this is sorted it won't make much difference.The main relationship to be maintained is your marriage and your role as parents.

As for you working out how to sort this out, god no. Ask your dh this. If when your son marries there is an issue for his wife with you two as inlaws, what would your husband's priority be ? Would he want her to know how hurt he was ? Or for her to forgive and forget ? Or to banish her from his home to teach her a lesson ? Or would he try and sort it out because he loved his son and didn't want to damage his marriage ?

I think you should go to your parents for a break. At the moment nobody is respecting your feelings or wishes, so sod 'em. If he says he won't be there when you get back, fine, just ask him to leave his key and to take his washing to his mums.

[JT05]

I'm a MIL and would never act like that. She sounds a dreadful person, nothing to do with being a MIL. Go NC until she can show you some respect.

Many years ago I went NC with my MIL, through her disrespecting me and my 2 DCs. My DH was supportive. She missed out on 2 yrs of DGs lives!
When we re established contact, she went NC with her other son and DIL!
Didn't see those GCs again!
Some people will behave in this disrespectful way and nothing can change them.
Lead your life, enjoy it on your terms and go NC.

[ilovelamp82]

I would definitely take your son and go to your parents for a bit. If your dh isn't listening to you and understanding and trying to make things as stress free as possible at this time then why would you stick around. I think a bit of time at your Mums is exactly what is needed. It will also give your dh the chance to realise that you are not going to put up with him siding with his mother even when she is awful to you.

You need to take care of yourself at the moment and have a long think.

[Tryharder]

I don't think your MIL sounds nasty.

She gave you advice which you didn't want to hear.

She turns up uninvited but this is normal in many families and encouraged.

I would like to hear her side of the story before I comment. I think perhaps both of you have made mistakes.

[Siennasun]

I agree that you should go to your parents with your DS. You need to be with family who will love and support you. Your husband and mil are doing the opposite this. You are understandably worried about your pregnancy and putting all this stress and worry on you at this time is unforgivable. You are primary carer so your DS goes with you. If your husband has a problem with that, that is his problem, not yours.
It sounds like your confidence has been knocked.
You talk about how you have been awful to your husband but you can so how utterly terrible his behaviour towards you has been, right?
I agree contact with gp is good for children but their relationship with their mum is more important and by undermining and excluding you from family situations what message is that going to send to your DS?
I think you need to get out of this situation for at least a few days so that you can think clearly and decide about whether this relationship is really good for you and your DS.

[dancestomyowntune]

I had a similar problem with my in-laws in the past. When I had Dd1 they only ever wanted her, not me, and it made me extremely uncomfortable. Before I was even out of hospital sil and mil were making plans to 'have' Dd1 so that I could 'rest'.

At 2 DAYS post birth fil turned up on our doorstep to tell us that sil had come to theirs to see the baby. Dh explained that he had told sil she was welcome to come to us but I was having a restful day at home with the baby. Fil said "oh she's got lots of bags and stuff for the baby, can't you just pop her down?" (Pil live same road, about 500 yards away). I was distraught! She had a couple of carrier bags, I had a new baby, a changing bag, a pram... but I went to keep the peace.

I did lots of things to keep the peace. Due to the stress of it all, when Dd1 was six months old I was diagnosed with pnd and tried to make things better by trying to explain to mil how I was feeling. I agreed, so that they stopped asking, to a regular couple of hours they could 'have' Dd1.

Then when Dd1 was about ten months old sil asked to have her for the day and I said no. I explained that due to work commitments and a weekend away it was the only day Dd1 had to spend at home with me and I wanted to see her myself. I thought nothing of it until a few days later when bil and his gf had a full out go at dh. It caused a massive row between dh and myself and I was accused of being unreasonable and mean. Dh put pressure on me to change my mind but I dug my heels in and eventually it caused a massive split in the family. Bil now hasn't spoken to us in over ten Years, all because I wouldn't be bullied into doing what he wanted. He also no longer speaks to anyone else in the family because they all apologised to me!

In laws now have little to do with our children, since sil had her own kids mine have played second fiddle. Sometimes it riles me, but then I see that my children are happy, healthy and full of character. They know who in laws are and we are all on friendly terms (apart from bil) and I don't feel resentful to them for taking my children away from me.

It was horrible when I first put my foot down. I was bullied, abused in the street, bil even tried to say he doubted Dd1 was even dhs! Dh was stuck in the middle and had to learn to stand up for me and our family which was a really hard thing for him, but at the end of the day it made us stronger as a unit. Now we are expecting Dd3 (dc5!!!) And couldn't be happier.

[naty1]

I too think take DC to your parents. If nothing else than so they can have more time.
I often take mine to my parents for a few days.
Every weekend both days with pil is way too much, easy to lead to arguments. Alternate at most. You need time to do stuff as a family.
Dh sounds a bit of a bully.
And what you say about where they sleep etc goes, they raised theirs how they wanted

[Purplepoodle]

I'm frankly shocked at number of people telling u to take yours and dp ds and go to your parents. I would discuss it with dp about having a weeks holiday but as you said he he disappeared for an unknown time with ds you would be call the police.

I think you need to break down separate issues and deal with them one at a time. Mil sounds interesting. If u want to stay with dp then I would be apologising for upsetting them then keep fake smile on my face and minimise contact.

If they want to pop over then make sure it's when dps around - letting them to dc for couple of hours during the week may stop the popping over - send them to a toddler group.

From your posts your dp sees u as unreasonable because of swearing/shouting - u need to stay calm to make a point. Could you negotiate that he takes dc on sat or sun to both parents then the other day you both could do somehow with dc every week like swimming - takes away his excuse that your not doing anything.

[PerpetualStudent]

I just wanted to say don't discredit your feelings because you've expressed them through shouting & swearing. Yes, this is not a good way to communicate and will probably not be effective.

BUT your emotions are valid, they are real and if you are acting in this was then they are obviously extreme and unpleasant to experience. They should not be discounted as just part of your PND.

At the risk of sounding a bit do-gooder, there's an awesome book called The Dance of Anger, which really helped me think about why I got so angry and had such steaming rows with my DP, and to try find more productive ways of expressing my (valid and real!!) feelings.

Im not saying it's just down to you to find ways to be 'reasonable' - as frankly it sounds like your DP and MIL are being supremely unreasonable! But, if you feel more empowered to express yourself effectively, or even if unpicking your anger and upset leads you to a new realisation about what you want, you may well find a clearer path though through this.

Sorry, that was all very un-mumsnet-y: UANBU, FWIW. LTB :D

[Jessbags001]

The PILs are being awful, no doubt about that. They absolutely should not be treating a vulnerable and pregnant woman like this. But that's separate from the issues with your DP, and I think you should give his another chance to step up and be supportive as he doesn't have form for being unsupportive. I wonder, does have any experience of anyone close struggling with depression? It can a hard thing to understand and respond to.

One of the troubles with feeling depressed and low (IME) is that it becomes even more difficult to communicate your feelings to your partner. If it becomes angry and shouty then he gets frustrated and struggles to hear what you're trying to say as it's often mixed in with things which are a bit unreasonable. It then follows that he starts to see you as an unreasonable person (you aren't), and it feeds further into the cycle of you feeling low, struggling to communicate, and him not hearing you.

Is there another way you could get your feelings across to him? You wrote well here and really conveyed your frustrations without vilifying him or your MIL. Could you write him a letter, and give it to him saying that you know you've not been doing a good job of explaining to him why you're struggling lately, and so you've tried to write it down for him?

[Choogalooga]

I know this is my version of events, my feelings, but as two of the people involved aren't talking to me and the other won't discuss situation at moment (my dp) I can't really share their side of things.

I just don't get how this could go from me being upset, me telling DP why and him telling his mum (she didn't deny anything) to them now being so hurt they can't see me.

Am I being stupid!?