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AIBU?

to find onlookers infuriating.

124 replies

Unclearpath · 05/12/2014 14:18

I'm still reeling from an earlier event, so my emotions may be running high.

I'm just so angry that so many unacceptable incidents occur in public and no one steps in to help.

I've just been followed back to my car and verbally abused while holding my child because I stood up to group of people- legally adults but clearly children- who kicked off and began screaming at a shop assistant- because she asked them not to eat another food chains food on their premises. The diner was sat under a sign that reiterated this. Not one other person stood up for her and the management, when finally arrived, did not do enough to protect his staff member as far as I'm concerned. I also let rip to him privately I his office after, I was disgusted. There were plenty of other people who just sat and gawped as this poor women cowered in the corner being aggressively shouted at.

Several people passed my child and I on the way back to the car- did one person stop to show support given the gang of loud and abusive people following us? Did they hell.

How can you just walk past it. I hate confrontation, I hate injustice even more. I've seen it so many times. Fights erupting and women being hit by their husbands for example. And yet no one helps. I understand sometimes it's not safe, so then call the bloody police at least.

Rant over.

OP posts:

Report

Whatsthewhatsthebody · 05/12/2014 14:23

I think you were very unwise to do that as you had your child with you to be honest.

Your first duty is to protect her.

However calling the police would have been sensible and take your point about the manager not protecting her.

There are some nasty people out there do I would be a but more careful if I were you.

LadyLuck10 · 05/12/2014 14:32

I'm sorry but if you decide to play hero then you can't expect others to want to do that. It was a group of people who were 'screaming' why would anyone want to jump Into that situation. If you felt that there was something needed to be done, call the police instead.
And as for people following you to your car to check on you, get over yourself.

DoraGora · 05/12/2014 14:36

I do daft things, too. Once a car pulled up and somebody threw a drink can out. I picked it up and pushed it back in through the window. I keep thinking hos silly that was. But, I just could help myself. It was my street and somebody was littering it!

When I was a student, at a disco, a boyfriend was having a huge row with his girlfriend. I don't know if he was hitting her or not. Someone intervened and the girlfriend started hitting her rescuer with her handbag.

I do understand that sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. But, it doesn't always turn out well.

The problem with the police whatisth is that a lot of the time they either don't care or don't turn up. Sometimes you do have to stand up and be counted. It's the only way.

DoraGora · 05/12/2014 14:37

I suspect that the OP was followed by the kids.

Unclearpath · 05/12/2014 14:44

Lady luck, the group who had been shouting at the staff member followed me back to the car- Read the OP properly before getting your claws out.

Certainly not one for playing hero and I certainly risk assess as best as possible- calling the police and staying clear if the situation endangers me or my child. Frankly these kids were idiots and all mouth. ... I sincerely hope if you should ever find yourself in need and vulnerable someone stops to help you.

Someone did so when I was attacked years ago and I am utterly grateful to this day as they saved my life.

OP posts:

DoraGora · 05/12/2014 14:53

I think the OP is right. Onlookers are often spineless. But, then, have a go heroes are rare and do have to rely on themselves. If you're that kind of person, it's easier to have a go than to stand by. That's just the way some people are made.

I remember being followed the width of a public park up in the North East, by a bunch of cider drinking children, once. We hadn't had any contact with each other. I think they were just bored and troublemaking was their release.

And, recently, in a nearby shopping centre a similar group was chucking litter. I asked them to take it with them and they started using me as a piggy in the middle until the security guards arrived and moved them on. I was furious and asked the guards what could be done. They said not much. The police come from time to time, have a word with the kids. The kids leave the centre, wait for the police to drive away and then enter again.

furcoatbigknickers · 05/12/2014 14:57

Your child should come first, you were irresponsible.

DoraGora · 05/12/2014 15:00

Was the OP irresponsible, or were the other diners irresponsible and cowardly for not having supported her.

You mustn't confuse bravery with irresponsibility.

LadyLuck10 · 05/12/2014 15:01

Do you really think people would take on a group of screaming people.
You were irresponsible to do this with your child. And maybe people didn't stop because you seemed to deal with them fine inside.

DoraGora · 05/12/2014 15:02

Sometimes you do have to put yourself (and possibly others) in danger in order to do the right thing. If you see somebody slipping towards the edge of a cliff, do you push your pram in the opposite direction?

Unclearpath · 05/12/2014 15:04

Thank you Dora - surely I'm not bu to think the world would improve drastically if people supported each other better? I'm not a loud person, I struggle massively with confrontation and am an emotional person who takes things to heart, I lack self esteem and standing up to anyone myself is a huge thing for me. I'm not the type to spoil for a fight or jump in for the sake of it, not at all. . But I just can't allow myself to stand by when I see something so wrong. It's never easy and I have to think carefully what I say in order to form coherent sentences else I start jibbering.

I gave the poor love a cuppa and a hug before I left to tell her manager how angry I was at his handling of things.

Bloody kids were loitering outside the entrance for me.

I've stood up for women being harnessed in bars etc before. It's never easy but if we all stay silent , nothing will ever change.

OP posts:

furcoatbigknickers · 05/12/2014 15:05

I wouldn't endanger my child and possibly subject them to emotionsl harm.

partialderivative · 05/12/2014 15:06

Maybe, if people are wary of getting involved, they could take pics or video what is happening.

DoraGora · 05/12/2014 15:06

You and me, then. Do we have to wear our knickers on the outside of our jeans?

MehsMum · 05/12/2014 15:08

With you on this, OP.
I think, in fact, it can be important to set an example to your child.

There are some right charmers on this thread. Let's hope they never have to look around them for help, as all the 'responsible' people with babies, children, gran etc with them run away and don't intervene.

DoraGora · 05/12/2014 15:09

Well, if you wouldn't put one person in harm's way in order to rescue another, then you've made your choice and let fear dictate your reaction. Being frightened isn't the same thing as being responsible. I think people ought to refrain from making up their own dictionary definitions.

Unclearpath · 05/12/2014 15:10

Perhaps irresponsible. I'd hope my child grows up knowing right from wrong and with courage to speak up when needed.

I would never put my child in direct and obvious danger. For the interest of assuring you all, my car could be seen from the window and was a small walk, broad day light and plenty of people about. Just not one who thought to speak up for me obviously! if I had an ounce of worry that my dd was at risk I would have left discreetly and called the police from the car immediately.

OP posts:

bilbodog · 05/12/2014 15:11

Hi - I think you did an admirable thing in sticking up for that girl. Yes, you had your child with you but you weighed up what was going on and decided something needed to be said. you are teaching your child not to just stand there and let stuff happen. Too many people these days will not do anything. Well done.

Unclearpath · 05/12/2014 15:12

Emotional danger? She's barely 3. I'd like to think my parenting outweighs the risk of her being emotionally scarred from seeing a 10 minute flurry of shouting, and her mother standing up for someone who needed a voice.

She was more scared over the bear in brave!

OP posts:

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 05/12/2014 15:14

I'm a busybody too. (No offence intended op. It's what I've been called on here before) I've been shouted at etc but I'm gobby and chunky and can give it back. I took my lead from my lovely dad who (regardless of whether we were there or not) stood up for folk being bullied or treated badly. I saw two men punching a woman and ramming her face into the wall. It was broad daylight and my kids were with me. I stood up for her, shouted at them to leave her alone and called the police. They were aggressive towards me but I stood my ground. My d's who is now 10 still talks about the day he saw me help a sad lady. I also threw a teen girl off the bus when she punched the driver in the face and grabbed his eye with her scabby talons. There were kids on the bus quaking. I'm not scared of people with surly attitudes and loud voices. If I get a black eye or bust lip for my efforts frankly I couldn't give a fuck. Oh and over my dead body would anyone lay a finger on my kids. I bringing them up to know that yes you should look after yourself but also to look out for others who might not be able to it for themselves. I've been told that they probably wouldn't put themselves out for me but I've never really asked that of anybody before lending a hand.

Op you were right to help and had I been there I would have stood up for you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/12/2014 15:14

It's easy to say what somebody should or would have done in that position, OP, only you were there. I don't think you were wrong to do what you did but it was a bit reckless as you had your child with you. Sometimes though, you just have to do what you think is right.

I wondered about the best thing to do... I wouldn't ring the police, why would they even attend that kind of incident? I suppose asking immediately for the manager and getting him/her to stand up for their member of staff and get rid of the louts might have removed you from their line of fire - and the manager was empowered to do something about it - and support the member of staff.

Still, you did a nice thing even if it wasn't the right thing. Who knows? Go back 50 years or pick a better brought up bunch of kids and it would be a non-issue as they wouldn't behave that way, ie. following you to your car.

DoraGora · 05/12/2014 15:20

If it's a local diner and the same kids are a pain in the butt, then the time to ring the local neighbourhood team (if one still exists) is now and they'll add it to their list of neighbourhood nuisances to tidy up. If it's your area too, you might get added to their email distribution list. Our neighbourhood policing team has one of those and I'm on it. Our is full of kids playing ball games loudly, kids congregating in stairwells late at night, etc. etc. Low level stuff.

nannynoss · 05/12/2014 15:22

If that was my daughter in the shop, I would be so grateful that someone stook up for her and looked out for her. We all hope people will look out for others we care about. Yes, I see the points about risk, but OP you clearly assessed that and made an informed choice whether to intervene.
Such a shame no one did the same for you, but we can only hope it's because you seemed to be in control of the situation.

nannynoss · 05/12/2014 15:25

And I clearly meant 'stood'...

LittleRedRidingHoodie · 05/12/2014 15:30

Totally agree with OP. If we ALL stood up and intervened the world would be a much better place. Good for you. The problem is that many people are afraid. We can't get cross with people who are scared.

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