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To ask if you ever notice people getting jealous of you and how does it make you feel?

(61 Posts)
FThb Fri 05-Dec-14 12:53:55

I'm friends with a woman who claims I'm one of her best friends but I notice a lot of things about her that upset me.

I find her going completely quiet and her eyes glazing over and staring when she sees something that I've done/made and once she nearly started to cry when id dressed dd up for a fancy dress at school.

A few examples:
She completely ignored the fact my dd had a main part in the school play. No congratulations or well done. Just completely ignored it. As a best friend, I would have expected her to at least say well done to dd.
This year her dd and mine have a similar part and she's all "well done" "congratulations" to dd.

I recently had a birthday party for dd and she came in to drop off her dd and didn't even comment on the decorating. Made the same quiet face. I had some names for an activity on the wall and she said "let's see who else you've invited then" and started reading all the invitees names and pondering if she knew their mothers. hmm. Never mentioned the party again, didn't say whether her dd had fun or not. I know this sounds petty but everyone else seemed to be really complimenting everything, even out of kindness, but she never. I find it odd.

Like I mentioned earlier up she almost started to cry once when I'd dressed dd up on a school event.

All these situations have made me feel really shit tbh. Not because I'm fishing for compliments, but because I feel she thinks I'm a show off or something. As a friend I'd expect her to be happy for me/my children no matter what, and that's what I'm like with her. It seems I'm always supporting her, always saying well done to her children but when mine do well, her face glazes over and I can tell she's getting jealous.

Fudgeface123 Fri 05-Dec-14 12:55:17

I think you expect too much

Triliteral Fri 05-Dec-14 12:56:43

Are you sure you aren't reading too much into it? Maybe she has other things going on in her life which are completely unrelated, but which make her sometimes more responsive than others.

SaucyJack Fri 05-Dec-14 12:56:51

I think it's six of one, and half a dozen of the other.

You sound like you need constant praising and it gets very wearing after a while.

FThb Fri 05-Dec-14 12:58:05

Do you think? I wouldn't expect too much if she wasn't a friend. But I've had people I hardly know give a compliment here and there out of politeness and I'm the same. I always try to make people feel good about themselves.

Babbit Fri 05-Dec-14 12:58:44

You don't know how she feels. It could be jealousy, it could be ambivalence. Some people just aren't very gushing. You ARE wanting compliments and are competing with her even if you don't realise you are doing it. How do you know she was crying about your DDs costume? Perhaps she had something else on her mind. For some reason you really want this woman to admire you and she's not playing. Move on.

FThb Fri 05-Dec-14 12:59:51

I don't think I need constant praising, I'd just expect a friend to be supportive/nice when it matters.

mymummademelistentoshitmusic Fri 05-Dec-14 13:00:55

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DoJo Fri 05-Dec-14 13:01:37

It sounds like you need validation from her for some reason - why would you feel shit that she doesn't specifically compliment your decorations at a party or go on about it after the event? Maybe she didn't congratulate your daughter on her part in the play because her daughter was upset and she was trying to reassure her that it wasn't important?

Honestly, it sounds as though you are quite needy in terms of the level of praise and admiration you expect from her - just because you fall over yourself to complement her or praise her children, doesn't mean she needs to be the same way. If the friendship isn't making you happy, then perhaps it's time to withdraw a little and stop relying on her to make you feel good about yourself as the chances are it won't happen and you will both be unhappy with the situation.

FThb Fri 05-Dec-14 13:01:58

She was crying because she had her mother with her and was saying to her infront of me that her dd looked crap compared to mine. I felt terrible about it and didn't know what to do. I spent the day feeling shit for dressing up my dd.

FThb Fri 05-Dec-14 13:04:18

I'm not relying on her to make me feel good about myself. She actually makes me feel shit. And you're right, I've tried countless times to step away from this "friendship" but maybe now I should take a firmer step away.

Fudgeface123 Fri 05-Dec-14 13:05:47

I'm surprised your friend hasn't already stepped away if I'm honest

PrivatePike Fri 05-Dec-14 13:10:26

No, I never notice people getting jealous of me angry sad grin

In what way do you think your friend 'makes' you 'feel shit'?

RoganJosh Fri 05-Dec-14 13:11:32

I would find it only polite to comment on the things you've said. Expecting it doesn't seem to go down well on here though.

mooth Fri 05-Dec-14 13:14:32

I think it's unlikely that she feels jealous of you. Why would you assume that? And why are you bothered anyway - if someone is jealous, that's their issue.

HappenstanceMarmite Fri 05-Dec-14 13:15:41

Samantha that you? grin

BackInTheGame Fri 05-Dec-14 13:18:29

If you really do think she is jealous of you, I think instead of being annoyed with her for not complimenting you, you should maybe show some compassion and wonder what you can do to help her so that she doesn't feel so low about herself and her own life.

For some reason it seems she is insecure about her creative skills as a mum, such as throwing fun parties, decorating things nicely, creating fancy dress costumes. Therefore maybe if you are a good friend you could offer to help her plan her DD's next party/make both your DD's fancy dress costumes together?

I have a friend who I know won't be able to afford a property for years, if ever. I have noticed that she gets quiet and 'glazed over' if I start talking about my property search. Rather than being annoyed at her for not being pleased for me, I just no longer talk about it in front of her, as I want to be considerate rather than make her upset.

LumpenproletariatAndProud Fri 05-Dec-14 13:18:53

God, you sound like hard work.

"She didnt comment on the decoration."

What the fuck? hmm

FThb Fri 05-Dec-14 13:19:00

Thanks Roganjosh. I'm suprised people don't think it's polite to give a compliment here and there. I always do and I don't have to gush over someone to do it. It's just polite.

PurplePidjin Fri 05-Dec-14 13:20:59

Actually, it doesn't take much effort and is common courtesy to walk into a decorated party room and say "Wow, looks like you've put a lot of effort in!" even if it looks like shit wink

Or, "What a pretty dress, isn't Mummy clever" to a little girl in a costume.

It's automatic politeness and is the grease on the cogs of social interaction, like saying thank you to the cashier when you finish shopping, or nodding and smiling at acquaintances when you see them in the park.

If I knew someone who was so pointedly ignoring basic stuff like this, I'd probably be pretty pissed off too! Although I have no idea what I'd do about it other than quietly distancing myself from that person confused

PrivatePike Fri 05-Dec-14 13:21:45

I love giving compliments (genuine ones)! But I don't plan ahead that someone is going to compliment me, then get upset when they don't confused

FThb Fri 05-Dec-14 13:22:53

backinthegame I've already offered to do things for her dd in terms of dress up. I even made an accessory for her dd for a dress up day as she'd asked me to. She never even said thanks when I gave it to her. Never mentioned it again. I never mention My childrens accomplishments infront of her. Everything they do she is aware of like the school play she knew and saw dd on stage. I never rubbed anything in her face.

PrivatePike Fri 05-Dec-14 13:22:55

It's cool that you can tell someone is getting jealous though! Good mind reading skills.

smokinggnu Fri 05-Dec-14 13:24:12

Isn't she such a cow for not having positive remarks about my performance parenting? (This seems to be what you're asking) Nothing positive to say? Being upset about her own efforts and you assume she's being rude? I think you need to consider what's going on with her a little more. Compliments don't make you a great friend.

LumpenproletariatAndProud Fri 05-Dec-14 13:25:34

Exactly Pike!

Its as though you were expecting a compliment for the decoration and spat your dummy out when you didnt get it. Which is really, really odd.

Who looks for compliments? If they are there, then lovely! But if they aren't, then its normal.

Im trying to think if Ive ever squealed over a friends party decor and I can't say Ive ever noticed. Its a party. It gets decorated.

And if my friends kid got a main part Id probably say "Awwwwwww." And nothing beyond that.

I certainly wouldn't expect all these compliments for my decor or child's part in a play. hmm

Your friend doesn't sound jealous in the slightest (not from what you have written anyway).

Presumably you thought she was jealous of your party decorations?

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