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To cancel Christmas at the inlaws?

(181 Posts)
Kab13 Fri 05-Dec-14 08:55:04

Long story short, we were going to do Xmas day at my pils house & Boxing Day at my mums. We've decided to cancel both as we are moving next week, we would like Xmas in our new (first home together) and to be able to settle in properly.
We have said people are more than welcome to come to ours for some nibbles and wine but we would just really like to be at ours this year.
Mil had fils parents down this year & their next door neighbours over for Xmas day too, so we aren't leaving them on their own.
I do feel a bit guilty as we haven't seen them on Xmas day for 3 years now (1st Xmas I was heavily pregnant, 2nd it was dds first Xmas so wanted to be at home and the 3rd this one) however we have always said they are welcome at ours, they chose last year to sit in on their own and then try and guilt trip us on Boxing Day about what a terrible, lonely Xmas the had hmm
My mum won't mind, however mother in law hasn't responded to the message we sent two days ago, I get the strong impression we've upset her and she's not responding because of this.
Of course, she may have just forgot to reply, but I highly doubt it.
We've had a seriously tough year due to unless both me and dp being inn hospital and it's just been chaos.
We really just want to relax for a couple of days which is very hard with dd at in laws house , she's a VERY manic busy child and they don't like her touching anything in their house.
Maybe I am bu but we've said we aren't coming now, it'd be a bit odd and a tad rude to invite ourselves again...opinions?

simbacatlivesagain Fri 05-Dec-14 08:58:17

If you had made arrangements then sending a message to cancel them was rude. You should have spoken to them in person. Then you would have known how they felt rather than having to speculate about it.

Mmolly2013 Fri 05-Dec-14 08:59:29

Sometimes you have to donwhat it right for your own family. I woulf stick with yoyr own plan to stay in your own house.

Perhaps call her and say shes more than welcome to come christmas evening for a few nibbles and to relax a bit and see the grandchild. I wouldnt let her get to you.

Yes she may not like it but she will get over it

Kab13 Fri 05-Dec-14 09:03:09

We wanted to let her know as soon as possible, we won't be seeing them until next weekend and usually when we go to theirs and and say something that they don't like ie; last year when we told them we would love to come Boxing Day but would like to stay at home for Xmas mil throws a HUGE paddy. We were hoping to avoid that by sending a text.
But I get what you mean.

InfinitySeven Fri 05-Dec-14 09:03:44

It's not that you've decided to have Christmas at your house, whatever your reasons that is always fine. It's your Christmas, and it's your decision to make.

But it would seem that you know that you prefer being at home at Christmas, so planning to go to the in-laws and then dropping out 3 weeks before the day, when the turkey etc is probably all bought and ready, is a bit poor. It would have been better to be non-committal, or just outright say that you wanted to be at home.

And to cancel by text is really rude. Your MIL was still hosting you, so you should have visited her to tell her the change in plan and apologise, or at the very least called her.

You don't need to go - they'd know that you were there and didn't want to be, and so would you, so you'd have upset everyone for no reason if you go anyway - but you probably need to go and make amends with your MIL. And your mother, if you cancelled on her in the same way, however fine you think she is with it.

Blu Fri 05-Dec-14 09:05:14

I completely understand how you would be feeling completely overwhelmed, moving 2 weeks before Christmas after a tough year.

How far away do they live?

But I would think she would be a bit upset, yes, to just get a message saying she won't see her family and grandchild for Christmas , having had it all arranged. Possibly the shop is organised, stuff in the freezer.

It's oK to cancel, of course, but it needed a conversation and some sensitivity, think. In our family seeing the grandchildren is a really important part of Christmas.

Mulderandskully Fri 05-Dec-14 09:05:20

I agree one of you should've called her rather than text. Yanbu- you're adults and it's up to you where you spent Christmas. 3 weeks is plenty of notice.

oldestmumaintheworld Fri 05-Dec-14 09:05:38

Don't feel bad. You are just about to move house and goodness knows that's stressful enough without Christmas on top. So your MIL doesn't like it. Well too bad. I guess it is fair to say that some people don't cope well with plans changing, but that's their issue not yours. Stay home, enjoy unpacking your boxes and try to have a rest in between. Can you get DH to phone her and say 'Sorry if you are sad that we aren't coming, but you know how it is when you move house.' Or would that just pour oil on the fire? Have a lovely Christmas and hope it doesn't rain on moving day.

simbacatlivesagain Fri 05-Dec-14 09:07:19

If you wanted them to know as soon as possibly then you should have dialled the phone that was already in your hand rather than send a text! It really is unacceptably rude to cancel an agreed invitation to Christmas by text.

Blu Fri 05-Dec-14 09:07:30

A text message to turn down an arranged Christmas day is really bad - sorry!

Call and talk on the phone, discuss it, tell them how much you would like to see them, so would it be possible to come over to yours...etc.

PTAblues Fri 05-Dec-14 09:07:54

I have PIL problems and any Christmas plans involving them is a total nightmare but in this instance you did say you'd go there. It's now the 5th December and lots of people have already ordered all the Christmas stuff. You cancelled by message which is a bit off. It's only one day.
So I think YABU.

TywysogesGymraeg Fri 05-Dec-14 09:08:33

I think it's a bit short notice to cancel OP. And you could have phoned, even if you can't actually explain face to face. TBH I'd be pretty miffed if my house guests suddenly dropped out of an arranged weekend just a couple of weeks in advance of said weekend, unless there was a pretty urgent reason for so doing.

You will have know you'd be moving shortly before Christmas for some time now, so how come you've only just decided to be in your own home?

Pretty poor show I'd say.

Kab13 Fri 05-Dec-14 09:08:49

My mum is fine with it and I doubt they've brought a turkey. They've only just got home from a holiday.
We said we would go because we didn't realise we would be moving 2 weeks before Xmas, things just suddenly went through with the sale of our flat.
As I've said, we sent a text so mil has time to digest the information before responding. Everytime we tell her something she doesn't want to hear she lays on a sh*t load of guilt on dp, cries and screams until she gets her own way.
We wanted to avoid this and wouldn't be seeing them until next week so it's either send a text or phone her, however she has no issues crying down the phone to dp saying he doesn't love her anymore until she gets what she wants so we really wanted to avoid that if we could .

NotYouNaanBread Fri 05-Dec-14 09:10:39

YABU. I'd be really, really annoyed if my guests for Christmas Day informed me (and by TEXT!) 3 weeks before the fact that actually, they didn't fancy coming out after all, and they'd just be staying home but we could "drop in for nibbles" if we wanted to.

Backing out on a dinner invitation that you have accepted it is the height of rudeness, I'm afraid, especially for Christmas Day of all things, and you have to apologise.

atticusclaw Fri 05-Dec-14 09:11:24

Sorry but cancelling by text is extremely rude. I suspect you're quite young? I would consider it very very bad manners.

I don't think there's a problem with wanting Christmas at home (but you've left it very late to be fair). The issue is more that you've been rude in communicating it.

Kab13 Fri 05-Dec-14 09:12:34

not a chance I'm apologising
We have invited them to ours , they have been invited to ours in the past and not bothered and chose to stay at home alone .
I really hope people read my updates about why we chose a text and that actually we were only told Monday we needed to be out or ours by next Friday.

RhubarbAndMustard Fri 05-Dec-14 09:12:43

I think it's a bit late to cancel OP. If they didn't want to spend Christmas on their own, I doubt they would be able to arrange to meet other people now.

If my guests cancelled 3 weeks before I'd be pretty upset. Can't you do a half day instead? Go early, open some gifts, have lunch then head home to relax?

chrome100 Fri 05-Dec-14 09:13:41


Even if you don't want to go, you've already said you will and have made a commitment. MIL is probably looking forward to seeing you all and to cancel by text is very poor form.

I think you should have made the effort to go. MIL is family too.

Kab13 Fri 05-Dec-14 09:15:12

We already said "we are really sorry" in the text we sent. If I called mil up today apologising she would make even bigger deal about it because she would know we feel guilty etc. I honestly know it wouldn't help but make it worse .

PoppadomPreach Fri 05-Dec-14 09:15:12

Very rude and thoughtless to have sent text - your rationale for why you sent via text is weak - you're basically a coward as you know what you're doing is hurtful yet you're pushing it all onto your MIl saying she'll lay a "shit lot of guilt". Nice.

I say this as an in-law who's been messed around for 3 of the last 4 Christmases - it feels like shit and is very hurtful.

Stripyhoglets Fri 05-Dec-14 09:15:40

Yabu. I'd be really upset if someone did this to me. Just don't say you will go at all rather than agree and then find an excuse not to go.

hiccupgirl Fri 05-Dec-14 09:16:21

I completely get why you want to have Christmas in your own new home but if this is the 3rd Christmas running you've cancelled and it is short notice, then I can see why your MIL has got the hump.

She may well have already gone out and got things (especially if she's anything like my MIL!) and has probably been excited that finally this year you are all going to be there and then you cancel by text 3 weeks before. I have to admit as much as I'd try and be understanding, I would be annoyed too.

Next year I would stick to just saying you're having Christmas at your home if that's what you prefer and don't then cancel at short notice because you've changed your minds.

Kab13 Fri 05-Dec-14 09:17:14

They aren't spending it alone. We wouldn't have cancelled if they were. They have 6 other people round. We've asked to meet up Christmas Eve and the weekend after Xmas. We have invited them over after they've had dinner.
They also showed no interest in seeing us any other year at ours so saying "mil is family too" is kind of missing the point, unless it's at hers she doesn't want to see us Xmas day...

Kab13 Fri 05-Dec-14 09:18:50

We haven't cancelled 3 times. We told them months in advance we would do Boxing Day instead for the past 2 Christmas' and invited them round for Xmas day and they chose to stay at home alone...
We've only cancelled because we are unexpectedly moving just before Xmas

magpieginglebells Fri 05-Dec-14 09:19:45

Sorry YABU. You were rude whatever the reason. I would grovel and blame the stress of moving. They've probably ordered the food for you and will be out pocket now.

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