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to refuse to tell my friends kids what to do

(14 Posts)
kiki0202 Thu 04-Dec-14 20:10:42

A friend has an issue about discipline and telling them off I think it comes from a very strict upbringing and a long struggle to have kids means she doesn't want to make kids unhappy she just wants to have fun and be nice with them. Since she has this problem she tends to ask other people to tell her kids to do things the most frequent examples are asking the waitress in our local café to tell her toddler to stop running around and sit and asking me (and others) to tell kids to out shoes/coat on to leave.

At first I went with it but I feel like it's not really up to me to tell her kids to sit still, belt up, get dressed, share etc I have my own to do this with. The last time she done it I told her I was busy with DS and didn't have time to sort hers too but not in those words. She txt me later to say she was really upset and felt like since I was a friend I should help make her life easier. I feel that it's her job to keep her kids in line and she's failing them with her lack of parenting since they are being told off by random people for things she refuses to inforce (not that i've said that).

AIBU to refuse to tell her kids what to do? And how do I explain why I don't want to get involved without knocking her parenting (I don't want to go there with her)?

fatterface Thu 04-Dec-14 20:12:51

How annoying. You're right, she definitely needs to do all the parenting, not just the nice bits, and can't rely on random others to raise her children!

Pelicangiraffe Thu 04-Dec-14 20:15:34

Can you just make a weak excuse that you don't have the stamina to sort out her kids as well as you're own. Then suggest some parenting books

Minisoksmakehardwork Thu 04-Dec-14 20:15:39

Yanbu as why should someone else be the bad guy and not her. However, would you be prepared to attend a parenting course with her? I've done two through our children's centre and they have given me a different way of looking at things, understanding why my children do some of the things they do and tools to help me deal with things. Someone 'qualified' may be able to help guide her in a way which you, as a friend, would not. And she won't resent them as much as she would resent the same advice coming from you.

One of my neighbours is having issues with their youngest and as I've dc the same age, I've suggested they attend a particular course to keep me company and to get them out of he house. Any tips they pick up would be beneficial, but of course that's not why they are really going...wink

DoraGora Thu 04-Dec-14 20:16:24

You've got time to make new friends before the wheels fall off the wagon and she needs to spend three days explaining why it's all your fault that Little Jonny has just been sent back to the PRU for the third time.

Goldmandra Thu 04-Dec-14 20:18:22

Don't knock her parenting. Just tell her that if she doesn't start giving them firm clear boundaries and clear expectations, her life is going to get very, very hard.

Tell her this because, as her friend, you don't want her to have a tough time trying to care for two children who don't think she's in charge.

Starlightbright1 Thu 04-Dec-14 20:20:09

I would struggle to bite my lip as your friend she should respect you have your own DC to keep in line.

mineofuselessinformation Thu 04-Dec-14 20:21:59

Why don't you try 'Look, I really don't think it's my place to tell your children what to do. You're their mum.'
Say no more and change the subject.

RedButtonhole Thu 04-Dec-14 20:24:57


To be honest, I find that DS does listen better if someone else tells him off but I don't expect them to do it when I'm sitting right there. Some closer friends will occassionally step in and tell him to stop his nonsense if he is playing up for me, but this is off their own back and I do the same for them.

She shouldn't be sitting about expecting other people to take control of her children- especially not waitresses who probably have much better things to do, like their job hmm

kiki0202 Thu 04-Dec-14 20:42:24

She is a really good mum and her kids are not badly behaved it's not laziness either I think she may need some kid of counciling for her past it's almost like she's afraid to give them any bad memories and frequently says I don't want them to remember me saying no no no.

I don't really want to get involved in any way she is my friend but not especially close we are mostly friends because our kids are the same age and I have family things of my own to deal with I just don't have the time or energy to deal with other people issues.

LittleRedRidingHoodie Thu 04-Dec-14 20:47:56

We regularly get parents bringing children into school asking us, their teachers, to tell them off for not tidying their room etc. I always think it's ridiculous and embarrassing for the parent. I agree that the parent should be doing the majority of the disciplining. By not wanting to be the bad guy she's setting herself up for a world of pain .

kiki0202 Thu 04-Dec-14 20:49:14

I meant to say as well it's not that she tells them and they don't listen she just wants people to do it to start with.

mwalimu Thu 04-Dec-14 20:49:34

Based in experience of a friend who couldn't discipline her kids due to abusive upbringing, I would advise you to steer clear of her and her children, and try not to get involved at all

Cauliflowersneeze1 Thu 04-Dec-14 21:38:41

I hate going into shops and hearing parents say ' if you so and so that lady (staff member ) will tell you off ' . No they won't , parent your own bloody child !

If she doesn't buck up soon she's going to have real problems

I think you need to turn this round so it's about you and say you feel uncomfortable disciplining her children

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