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To think Dad should pay for Mum's funeral??

(55 Posts)
Millie3030 Thu 04-Dec-14 13:33:29

Hi ladies, I asked for practical funeral advice in money matters and they were very helpful, but now would like anyone with advice to help me with what to do about my dad and this situation.

My mum died on Tuesday morning, she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in May, she was 59 dad is 60. He became her career for the 8months so wasn't working. My mum received full pay for 6 months and half pay for the remaining 2, she had some savings and money in her account, not loads but I think about £500/1000. My DH saw a bank statement next to my dads computer a few months ago with nearly £2000 in it. He has now cleared my mums account and they are frozen.

They live in a 3 bed house roughly £220k and had about 15k left of mortgage. No credit cards or cars on finance.

Now dad is heavily hinting that he doesn't have money to pay for the funeral, my sister has now offered to pay some, she is single, no kids and earns a good wage. My auntie has felt guilty and offered £500, I said last night I don't have any money, to which he shouted said that he hadn't asked for any, but never thought about a funeral and made no plans financially. My dad flies off the handle at pretty much anything, we are all stressed obviously but he has a temper. He is also very secretive about money, he wants me to organise the funeral, and my sister to organise the wake and catering.

Should I offer to pay for some, I really don't have any money, I would have to get a loan. Have a toddler and a DH and we moved in July after scraping together a deposit for years and are mortgaged up to our eyeballs, and overdrawn. Do I get a loan or credit card to help him out???

SoonToBeMrsB Thu 04-Dec-14 13:36:00

Please don't get into debt to help him out. You don't have the money to help, it's as simple as that.

It's nice that people want to help out but your dad should pay the majority.

I'm very sorry to hear about your mum, the last thing you need is more stress flowers

SpringBreaker Thu 04-Dec-14 13:39:07

Is he entitled to a Bereavement Payment from the DWP?

MonstrousRatbag Thu 04-Dec-14 13:40:02

Sorry you are facing this, it is awful on top of your bereavement.

No, don't get a loan. Why can't he, if it comes to that?
You could investigate costs so you know what you are all facing. Co-operative Funeral Services will be reasonable, local independents possibly as well. As long as you are modest about what you choose (especially cars) you can do it for £3.5k, maybe less depending on where you live.

NoLongerJustAShopGirl Thu 04-Dec-14 13:40:14

So sorry for your loss. flowers

He needs to organise the funeral... things will need signing, things that make the organiser liable for the cost... some of which will have to be paid up-front.

MinceSpy Thu 04-Dec-14 13:42:12

I am very sorry for your loss. I need to ask some questions and am not trying to pry; did your mum leave a will and was the account a joint one. The answers make a huge difference.

Basically the money for the funeral should come from you mum's estate. If your father is on a low income he can apply for a grant towards the funeral.

If you organise the funeral the funeral directors will see that as accepting financial responsibility so be very careful.

Millie3030 Thu 04-Dec-14 13:44:48

I think he might be entitled, I printed out the form for him to look at. And have put everything in plastic wallets in a folder for him to look through at his house. But after our 'heated conversation' he stormed out of my house and ignored my text message. Haven't heard from him since yesterday afternoon.

Don't know whether to text/ring him again today and ask if he has looked at the form or phoned them? But will probably end in another argument, so feel like I should back off. He needs to get the ball rolling as the two funeral directors I rang on Tuesday said they are really busy at this time of year. My guess is he isn't doing much today, he didn't do anything yesterday after telling me he would. Frustrating, I want mum to have a nice send off, and she didn't die suddenly, what has he been bloody doing for 8 months???

Worksallhours Thu 04-Dec-14 13:47:12

I thought the money for a funeral should come out of the deceased's estate?

I really wouldn't get a loan or a credit card in your current financial situation. I think this is your father's responsibility as probable executor of her estate.

Gatehouse77 Thu 04-Dec-14 13:49:25

Funeral costs can be covered by the estate during probate, although there may be some upfront costs these aren't necessarily high amounts.

MagratsHair Thu 04-Dec-14 13:50:28

I'm sorry for your loss Millie flowers

No don't get into debt over it.

Millie3030 Thu 04-Dec-14 13:51:39

Yes my mum did have a will, everything will go to my dad, and she cleared out her savings and joint account into my dads (I'm assuming) a few months back, dad told me. And when we registered mums death on Tuesday afternoon, I said to dad shall we go to the bank as they will want the death certificate, and he said "No, I will do it another day". He is secretive like that, he hid his pin from me in the death registration place when buying the death certificates! Very strange, I have never asked for money from him in my life, he has never loaned my money for my first car/wedding/house deposit etc I worked for everything I have. But he always he been secretive with passwords for things and money, and to quote my dear mother "a tight fisted buggar!"

I rung two funeral directors on Tuesday and got 2 very reasonable quotes of £2100 and £2300 as mum bought her grave years ago. But I won't do any more in terms of the quotes, that's good advice mincespy thank you.

Millie3030 Thu 04-Dec-14 13:56:02

My dad said, "how am I going to pay for it? I haven't worked for 8 months." I said "mum will receive a death in service from her work, (she worked part time) and earned about £600 a month, so £7k a year and then that is multiplied by 3 isn't it? So he should receive 21k". He then said "Yeah, but I have 17k mortgage to pay off and then I have to live, and have bills to pay!"

JessieMcJessie Thu 04-Dec-14 13:56:58

So sorry for your loss. My own Mum died of the same thing about 18 months ago. Who has emptied and frozen your Mum's accounts, your Dad or your DH? As other have said, it should come out of her estate but it sounds like there won't be enough in there to cover the costs. Might then be fairer for all the surviving family to contribute something (according to means), rather than your Dad paying for it all? Could you maybe buy/cook the food?

Topseyt Thu 04-Dec-14 13:57:47

Speak to the funeral directors about this. You won't be the first to have encountered this problem so they may be able to point you in the direction of cheap finance plans.

In some cases the funeral costs can be deferred and paid for out of the deceased person's estate if there is one. That is how we managed the finances for my MIL's funeral earlier this year as she left no specific funds for it. The sale of her house will pay the bill, although we have had one delay after another there which has been outside our control.

Just saying there are some ways and means. Google funeral financing too for some research.

Sorry to hear about your mum. It is a difficult time. Get advice from the funeral directors as I said.

Longdistance Thu 04-Dec-14 13:58:06

Sounds like he's trying to make you feel guilty, by him flouncing off. Pretty crappy of him.

My DM has had a savings account for her future funeral for about 10 years now. It's so me and db don't have to worry about paying for it in the future. It's a shame your df didn't set aside some money in those 8 months leading up to your DM death.

I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

Millie3030 Thu 04-Dec-14 13:58:07

Although mum told me a few months ago that is was about £14k left to pay. So I believe Dad Is exaggerating, but can't exactly ask him to prove it can I?

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris Thu 04-Dec-14 13:58:59

Oh dear, if your mum knew he was tight fisted why did she leave her arrangements in his hands. its so sad.

I am sorry for your loss and that you have this added silly of your father...what a silly man.

dreamingofwineandcheese Thu 04-Dec-14 14:02:32

So sorry for your loss Millie thanks

I lost my mum 4 years ago, she didn't have a partner so as beneficiaries of her will my sister and I had to sort everything. The cost of her funeral came out of her estate so therefore your Mothers funeral costs should come out of hers which is also your father's. So YANBU to expect your Dad to pay.

Millie3030 Thu 04-Dec-14 14:05:06

jessiemcjessie oh god my DF cleared out and transferred my mums account, my DH hasn't got anything to do with it, it just he was setting up my dads new computer, (yes new computer he bought a few months ago) and his bank statements and paperwork are usually all over the desk. Every time I met my parents I would buy lunch, coffee etc even though I had no money and said to my DH that I was worried about them financially and he said "I saw a bank account with nearly £2k in it so I think they are doing ok." He also reminded me that he did just pay a tree surgeon £600 to cut down trees in his garden.

Topseyt Thu 04-Dec-14 14:09:16

If he does receive £21k then he will have enough to clear his mortgage and still have £4k left to pay off any remaining balance with the funeral director. My MIL's funeral costs were £3,400.

MonstrousRatbag Thu 04-Dec-14 14:10:41

I'm sorry to say this, it sounds like a 'won't pay' situation rather than a 'can't pay'.

tertle Thu 04-Dec-14 14:13:15

So sorry to hear about your mum. I think your Dad should use the death grant towards her funeral. Won't he be going back to work?

Your dad is being very unfair and I'm sorry you're having to deal with this stress. You should certainly not get into debt to help him out.

So sorry for your loss.

MagratsHair Thu 04-Dec-14 14:13:48

Is it possible that your father is dealing with his grief by panicking about money, so he can fill his mind with that & not deal with your mum's death? A kind of avoidance tactic?

I would keep telling him that the money will come from her estate.

PestoStormissimos Thu 04-Dec-14 14:15:33

The funeral costs should come out of the Deceased's estate. The funeral directors won't expect payment straight away, but will speak to the next of kin regarding when & where the payment is to come from. Maybe you could accompany your Dad when he visits them, then you will know what's said/suggested.

Sorry for your loss flowers

HeyheyheyGoodbye Thu 04-Dec-14 14:16:27

NO, you should not get into debt over this. He is a grownup and will have to sort it out.

I am so sorry for your loss and that you are going through this extra stress flowers

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