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Ongoing dilemma - am I being unreasonable, please help?

(61 Posts)
FLPmummanumber2 Wed 03-Dec-14 12:21:19

Hi all, I have never been on here before but really need to make sure I am not losing my marbles in the later stages of pregnancy.

I have been with my partner for over 4 years who had previously been married for a long time. When we met he assured me the marriage had been over a long time, however events that have followed have led me to believe he lied which i guess is by the by now.

We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter and I am due to give birth on 28th December. He has just started finalizing divorce details which has caused no end of upset in our relationship but glad we are finally getting somewhere. However I am definitely the blamed party from his ex's perspective and dont feel he has ever had my back and been honest about how we got together. They have 2 older children together 15 & 18 and after meeting last night to discuss their impending divorce he has told me this morning he is going over to his exes house Christmas day to see the children for a couple of hours ( I know it will be longer than this) and he hasn't done it in previous years. Given my stage of pregnancy and that we had agreed a 2nd Christmas day with his children and our daughter I am devastated that he could even suggest this. My immediate reaction was "your not going and leaving us" which has now resulted in a huge fight and I am deeply hurt.

He is a stubborn man and I have always been expected to roll over and elt him continue to play happy families there and if I dare say anything it results in a huge fight. He has never put me first and I don't think he ever will but for all of this I do love him and when we get on its great yet i am not willing to spend mine and my childrens lives feeling 2nd best and having to accommodate him playing the perfect man to the wife he walked out on.

If anybody has had a similar experience, I would really appreciate any advise on what to do or how i should respond to these ongoing hurtful scenarios.

Fooshufflewickbannanapants Wed 03-Dec-14 12:39:29

What do you love about a man who lies to you,puts you last on his list and goes against what you have already agreed? You and your children deserve better. If he expects you just to roll over and put up with it it's probably because you have already done so in some way and he won't change his behaviour. You can't change his behaviour, only yours. Is this how you want it to be next year, the years after that? If not make positive steps to change it.

oldestmumaintheworld Wed 03-Dec-14 12:40:27

Hi FLP, sorry you are having a hard time. I realise it is difficult, but it sounds like he is trying to consider his children from his first marriage and what their Christmas day will be like. Obviously they want to see their dad and I'm sure you would want him to be a good dad to them as well as your children.

I know this is a bit of a tangent, but this is one of the problems of being in a relationship with someone who has a history. He will always put his children first and it is right that he does. They didn't ask him to split up with his first wife and neither did they ask him to have a relationship with you. Playing second fiddle cannot be pleasant, but you are the adult here and you need to let him be a good dad to his older children as well as a good dad to yours.

My parents have been divorced for more than 30 years and both have remarried. My stepmother told me recently that when they got together my Dad told her that his children would always come first and if she couldn't accept that he would understand. She said 'It was what made me love him more.' Food for thought?

CleanLinesSharpEdges Wed 03-Dec-14 12:44:04

So in a nutshell, unwittingly or not, you were the OW, he left his wife for you (as far as you know? Are you sure she didn't find out and kick him out?). He's taken ages to divorce her and sounds like he practically had to be forced into it by you (are you sure that is really happening, seen all the paperwork?) and he continues to want to play happy families with his wife and children.

I think he sounds like a liar and a shitbag of the highest order. You say that the fact that he lied to you at the beginning is by the by now, but it's not really, is it? Your relationship is built on deceit and untruths. I suspect he still has unresolved feelings for his wife and the life he supposedly left behind, hence the playing happy families there all the time.

YABU to stop him from seeing his children on Christmas day if it's only for a couple of hours though. But it's probably more the fact that he'll be spending the time with his wife too that's winding you up.

wishmiplass Wed 03-Dec-14 12:52:48

You are not losing your marbles and YANBU. He is definitely a liar and a shitbag. Don't put up with this. x

MillionToOneChances Wed 03-Dec-14 13:07:09

Of course (I assume) his children are welcome to be included in his Christmas with his partner and their half-siblings. It would be unreasonable to not allow him to see his kids on Christmas day, and vice versa, but YADNBU to not want him to leave you and your toddler alone to go play happy families with his ex.

Suggest the older kids come round to yours for a few hours?

MrsHathaway Wed 03-Dec-14 13:08:28

Ordinarily I would agree with pps, but the fact is that OP is due on the 28th. He is proposing to be elsewhere for an undetermined period on Christmas Day, leaving his heavily pregnant partner and their toddler. That's not cool.

You do have to let him see his teenagers on the day, but it would not be unreasonable to say "this year because of the baby it must be a timed visit" and to have definite contingency plans in case of an earlyaarrival.

MillionToOneChances Wed 03-Dec-14 13:10:20

Of course, this may all be a moot point since you may be in labour at that point. Hadn't twigged Christmas is 3 days before your due date. What an arse he is for planning to leave you alone angry

youareallbonkers Wed 03-Dec-14 13:14:52

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You are not being unreasonable to be unhappy about feeling second best, but if you look at this from his older children's point of view, maybe they already feel second best with him?

He's left them and their mum for another woman, with whom he has a child and another on the way. That new family have him the vast majority of the time - he's not with his older kids for the normal, day-to-day family life. How much worse would they feel if he couldn't spare them any time on Christmas Day?

I think you would be perfectly reasonable to insist on some ground rules - ie. if he says he will be back at a particular time, he is back then, not hours later. The split of time between you and your dc, and his older dc has to be equitable - it wouldn't be reasonable, imo, for him not to be there in the morning, when your dc is opening their stocking, or for when you all open presents, and for Christmas dinner - but you might have to look at how you schedule the day, so that he can do those things with your family, but also have a decent amount of time to spend with his other children.

As his older dc are teenagers, they are unlikely to be up at sparrowfart, to open stockings, so perhaps you could ask him to spend the morning with you, have Christmas dinner at lunchtime with you, and then go to visit his older dc in the afternoon for a few hours, then come back in time to do bedtime with your dd, and spend the evening with you.

It's also worth remembering that it is a good thing that he wants to spend time with his other children - that is the decent thing to do. And I appreciate it is not easy for you, but you do need to be the adult about this, and accept that, as you are with a man who has another family, he does have responsibilities to them too, and you can't expect him to ignore those, especially on Christmas day.

Fudgeface123 Wed 03-Dec-14 13:18:29

youareallbonkers what an unpleasant last sentence of your post. Jeez, if the OP wasn't feeling bad enough already

wishmiplass Wed 03-Dec-14 13:26:38

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

magoria Wed 03-Dec-14 13:30:22

I can't see any problem in him spending a few hours with his children. I am assing it is not too far away and he will not be drinking in case you go into labour.

Let him take your DC, they can have fun withcthwir siblings, so you can have a small break and be refreshed and ready to go again when they come back.

I hope you have all your ducks in order legally and financially as he is still married.

magoria Wed 03-Dec-14 13:31:11

With their siblings! Fat fingers small phone syndrome!

clam Wed 03-Dec-14 13:32:41

Well, there's clearly a back-story here as to why you feel second-class, but as regards Christmas Day, I do actually think it's reasonable he should visit his children. However, you could ask that he keeps to the times you both agree to, and is available by mobile, in case you go into labour.

The other let-downs are for another day.

katsumama Wed 03-Dec-14 13:38:18

Could you compromise on meeting out somewhere, your family and his children? They are older and might appreciate a pub drink.

I agree it is monumentally shit for him to leave one family for another on Christmas day. His children are important, but he has children with you too.

He may also be dancing to his ex-wife's tune if he is waiting for her to sign paperwork, so this may affect his willingness to stick up for what he really wants, i.e you, hopefully.

MiddleAgedandConfused Wed 03-Dec-14 13:38:51

YABU to stop him seen his kids for a few hours on Xmas day. He is doing the right thing to include them in his day. This will probably be the case for many years, so I would be gracious and not let it spoil the day.

BarbarianMum Wed 03-Dec-14 13:39:25

I don't see what the problem is with him seeing his children (from his first marriage) on Christmas Day. You are no more likely to go into labour then that at any point in the 2 weeks preceeding or following your due date. You would not be unreasonable to agree a set number of hours though, and expect him to stick to them.

There is a difference b/w you being second best and you being equally important.

FLPmummanumber2 Wed 03-Dec-14 13:46:33

Thank you all for your comments, I usually mull things over myself but it has been really helpful to hear peoples thoughts who are totally impartial to our set up. I would never dream of stopping him seeing his other children, myself and my daughter love them dearly. It would have just been really nice if he spoke to me before making the plans or as somebody on here pointed out inviting them over to ours for a few hours. Sure is food for thought and yes, unwittingly I am the OW BUT 100% didn't enter in to it feeling this way which is what my comment was referring to. It hurts so much to not know the full truth and feel like you are to blame when I fell for a man who had fallen out of love with his wife. He has always claimed I am his soul mate and I am not a naive person who would have had children with somebody I expecting to move on again in a couple of years.
As a newbie to this type of communication, please could somebody tell me what YANBU means? Thanks again.

wishmiplass Wed 03-Dec-14 13:49:21

A. I would ask why he now wants to see the DC by first marriage on Christmas day when this wasn't an issue for him before. I think you're justified to ask this as it will impact you your day with your DD.

B. I would also ask HIM how he intends to split the day up to make sure everyone is happy. I don't think it should fall to you to set the rules.

C. He still sounds like a liar and shitbag.

wishmiplass Wed 03-Dec-14 13:51:24

YANBU - you are not being unreasonable.


BitOutOfPractice Wed 03-Dec-14 13:57:30

YANBU = You Are Not Being Unreasonable

BarbarianMum Wed 03-Dec-14 14:02:18

<<or as somebody on here pointed out inviting them over to ours for a few hours>>

In any other year I'd agree with you but not landing you with extra guests (even much loved ones) 3 days before your due date could actually be viewed as very considerate. It also means that if you go into labour over Christmas your step children are already at home (rather than requiriung a last minute change of plans).

wishmiplass why are you assuming that because the OP's dp didn't see his children on Christmas Day for a couple of years he never wants to see them at Christmas. Maybe his ex wasn't happy with him coming round before but is now ready to move on.

wishmiplass Wed 03-Dec-14 14:08:19

Barbarian - point taken. I just wondered if the OP is aware of why this is now happening as he doesn't/hasn't seemed to be particularly open with her.

youareallbonkers Wed 03-Dec-14 14:22:57

Come on, just because I'm not afraid to write what a lot of you are thinking. He's done it before, from what OP has posted he isn't truthful so chances are he will do it again. I was just asking how she would feel in the ex wife's shoes

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