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They really can't have two Christmas dinners on one day, surely?

(74 Posts)
Hopingforpeace Tue 02-Dec-14 23:11:33

I'll try to keep this brief. My dh, 2 dd's and myself are my Dsis' only family since losing our dParents and grandparents. Dsis and her bf live together and have been together for 4 years.
For the last 4 years they have spent the first half of the day at our house and have lunch here then have gone to bf's parents house and had another sitting of Turkey and all the trimmings. This has made my Dsis feel quite ill and I think it is insanity.
As our kids are very young we have lunch at 1ish then do more present opening then pudding around 4. This has been when Dsis and her bf have left to go for round 2.
I suggested they did year about but bf's mum insists she must see her son each year. Dsis would be happy to do alternate years but knows she would just end up never being with us - where she would prefer to be anyway.
Only Dsis drives, not her bf or his parents or his siblings.
This year bf's mum wants them to start off the morning with her, taking the grandparents over, then going to us then back to them to be ready to eat by 3.
I've said in not going to rush about just so that bf mum is content, whilst we all have indigestion.
I suggested Dsis comes here alone but she is needed to be the grandparent taxi service. They insist on that then rub it in that she can't have a drink on Christmas Day. Her bf also wants to come to our house to see the kids.
I think they need to stand up to his mum and just do alternate years. I've never known anyone to have two sittings of Christmas dinner just to appease families.
They could of course come and watch us eat but that just seems odd. I don't really want to start Christmas dinner at 4 once they leave as then id have to do something for lunch for the kids. We usually just have leftovers later.
Any other bright ideas of how this could be solved? If I was my Dsis, I doubt I could put up with the mummy's boy but they are in love. I think they treat my Dsis badly at times.

juneybean Tue 02-Dec-14 23:13:00

Could she not come to you for supper?

MidniteScribbler Tue 02-Dec-14 23:15:38

What a bitch! I mean, imagine the cheek of it! Wanting to see her son on Christmas Day, whatever next? She clearly needs to be brought in to line and knocked down a peg or too, and you're obviously just the person to do that OP, seeing as how your not related to her and all. FFS.

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 02-Dec-14 23:15:45

I would get her to yours, and make sure you accidentally give her wine so that she cant drive. Whoops, forgot. Never mind.

Obviously sis would have to be in on it. Of course her boyfriend is free to get up and go if he likes.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange Tue 02-Dec-14 23:18:31

Can't your sister and her boyfriend come Boxing Day or Christmas Eve to your house.

Failing that come over between 9-12

Hopingforpeace Tue 02-Dec-14 23:19:15

She has to take the grandparents back to their house. Bf's mum won't start their lunch at anytime before 3 and by the time it finishes and the got over here, my dd would be just about ready for bed. I'd let her stay up late but she would most likely be in that grumpy/tired toddler state which is not fun.
It feels like everyone else is expected to compromise but bf's mum won't at all.

coalscuttle Tue 02-Dec-14 23:22:58

I think you are placing the blame on the bfs mum when the problem lies with your sister and the bf. they just need to decide what they are doing and announce it. They are adults presumably

difnameforthis Tue 02-Dec-14 23:23:35

My brother and his partner have had two Christmas dinners for getting on for a decade now! It seems to work well, and they get to see both families. They don't gorge on either, and for us the main point is getting to see people.

Does it hugely matter if your sister only sees the children for a short time? It's lovely to see family, but if they have an early bedtime then maybe a quick hi to auntie might be enough?

TheWhispersOfTheGods Tue 02-Dec-14 23:23:48

This isn'tyour call, she really needs to be talking this up with her bf, and making him manage his mother. Also her present to him this year should be driving lessons so he can ferry mummy about, especially if they are vindictive about it, and think they 'own' her to taxi them.

You can't dictate her Xmas plans but don't change your plans to suit her bfs mother. If they are happy having two dinners, rather than push back then that's what they will have to do. But his mother doesn't get to decide their plans either, and sis is just as entitled to see her family, and for her family to see her as bf's are to see him.

MrsCakesPrecognition Tue 02-Dec-14 23:25:23

TBH if I were your DSis, I'd be seriously reconsidering if I wanted any kind of long term relationship with a spineless man and in-laws with no ability to compromise, and who seem to value her only as a free taxi service.

If she must, then I suggest DSis alternates between spending all day with you on her own (BF's family have at least 12 months to save up replacement taxi fares or learn to drive) and all day with BF and his family.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 02-Dec-14 23:27:06

If your Dsis couldn't drive for some reason (eg her car broke down) what would these people do? I'm a non driver myself but the idea of getting someone who is not actually a family member to dedicate their entire Xmas day to chauffering me around would strike me as remarkably entitled.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange Tue 02-Dec-14 23:27:16

How about asking if they would prefer a small Christmas dinner at your house.

PurpleSwift Tue 02-Dec-14 23:28:55

What? Why so they have to eat at both houses? Am I missing something? Why not visit but leave before or arrive after eating?

whois Tue 02-Dec-14 23:30:56

TBH if I were your DSis, I'd be seriously reconsidering if I wanted any kind of long term relationship with a spineless man and in-laws with no ability to compromise, and who seem to value her only as a free taxi service.

I completely agree.

Once you're part of a couple you generally can't do both families on the same day. Typical to alternate years, or do Xmas day at one and boxing day at the other.

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Tue 02-Dec-14 23:32:51

I've one two for years, but I'm not sure I could do one at 1pm and one at 3pm. It is my choice though and no one has tried to make that decision for me.

Really they need to put their foot down and make a decision. I wouldn't change your plans for for the BF's parents though.

NoSquirrels Tue 02-Dec-14 23:33:20

Sounds to me like your Dsis has all the power, being the only driver, so she can and should put her foot down to get things the way she wants them.

All she needs to do is tell her BFs family that it's not convenient for her this way, and could they do X,Y,Z? That may be alternate years, that may be having Christmas lunch at 1pm and then driving over to you by about 4/5 to see the kids and have a Christmas supper together, that may be not picking up the grandparents until 2.30pm after she has been to your house. No one is forcing her to eat 2 dinners! She can eat the one she pleases and just enjoy the company at the other one. . .

This is your Dsis's problem to solve, and she's the only one who can do it, so I'd leave her to it.

Of course, you can tell her what you'd like best in an ideal world, but it's up to her what she actually does about it all.

Hopingforpeace Tue 02-Dec-14 23:34:09

Not my call at all, my Dsis wanted me to ask as she isn't on here and can't think of an alternative. It is perfectly fine for bf to want to see his family on Chrismas Day every year but it seems unfair if that means Dsis never gets to see her family on Christmas Day.
I used to do Boxing Day with my side year about. I'd be happy with that. However bf's mum doesn't want that either. It always must be Christmas Day with her.
Dsis got told that "Christmas Day is very special to them" like it isn't to the rest of the world.
Dsis would rather not argue with her bf over this so wanted mn to see if there was another alternative that none of us had thought of.

NoSquirrels Tue 02-Dec-14 23:37:13

The alternative is for her to tell her BFs mum that it's not acceptable to her, so please could they come to a compromise.

Or to let her BF spend Christmas Day with his family while she spends it with you . . . (but honestly I would then be reconsidering what my devoted BF thought of me after 4 years together if he was happy to split up on a special day just so as not to annoy his mother!)

AuntySib Tue 02-Dec-14 23:56:07

How far apart do you all live?
Doesn't seem fair that your Sis has to do all the driving. How would BF's family manage the GP if she wasn't around? Is every one near enough for taxis?
As it's Christmas, a spirit of compromise would be nice. So maybe she could visit you first, with BF's family sorting out GP, and you delay your lunch till say 3, so that Sis can go over to BFs family around that time. I know it's a pain having to make the DC lunch, but something fairly light would do around 11/12 just to keep them going to turkey time. Mine would have been delighted had I offered them mini sausages/bagel/croissants.How old are your DC?
And agree with what Squirrels said, being the only driver, your Sis has all the power - as in" Sorry MIL, I can pick up GP at x oclock/ can only get to you at x oclock. " If MIL wants to see her DS, she will have to accommodate.

OrangePeels Wed 03-Dec-14 00:03:45

Nothing helpful to add but reminded me of first year DSis was with her now DH. He didn't want to upset anyone so came to our family home in the morning, present opening, big breakfast etc, went to his parents (claiming just to visit but had a full xmas dinner) then came to ours for Xmas dinner for 4pm. We knew full well what he was up to and kept offering him extra food grin watching him trying to stuff it in! It was bloody hilarious! The silly thing is, he could have just been honest and we would have just given him a light dinner.
Every year we recount it and it still makes us laugh 14 years on grin
He also had bailies with breakfast, God knows what with his lunch and plenty of beer and wine at ours. How he didn't pop is a mystery!

IsChippyMintonExDirectory Wed 03-Dec-14 00:08:02

Agree 100% about bf being a spineless so and so who needs to tell his mum that his gf would like to see her family too! Your sister does have the power being the one who can drive so she should really be telling them "actually it gonna be like this" ideally with BFs support.

As an aside did anyone else have the Vicar of Dibley Xmas special spring to mind when reading this grin

Inertia Wed 03-Dec-14 00:11:45

How did they manage before your sister was on the scene?

ilovelamp82 Wed 03-Dec-14 00:23:19

Why can the grandparents not get taxi's? I would be annoyed if it was assumed that i would drive other people round all day never mind demanded.

As a grown adult she needs to decide exactly how she would like to spend the day and just do it. Would she be so rude as to decide how other people need to spend their Christmas to accomodate her? I doubt it. So why would she accept that herself?

CupidStuntSurvivor Wed 03-Dec-14 02:41:25

Though I get that BF's mum is not BU by wanting to see him every year, she is BU using your DSis as a taxi service. And her BF is BU for not explaining to his DM that as he's in a relationship, it would be unfair on his partner to expect her not only to hardly see her family on Christmas day, every Christmas day, but also to be turned into a taxi service.

We only spend Christmas with my DB every other year because he and SIL alternate. It works well and both mothers (mine and SIL's) have gotten used to it and are adult enough to understand the need for it.

Bulbasaur Wed 03-Dec-14 02:52:26

We did that on Thanksgiving for a little bit between families. But we split it up as one family we eat dinner with, the other we share desserts. Worked out fair enough.

Then MIL died, and we just do my family on holidays now since DH and FIL don't get along.

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