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To not allow DS round his dad's new house due to drug use

(28 Posts)
Titsyandmitzy Tue 02-Dec-14 22:18:20

I'm at my wits end here. H walked out on my DS (3) and I in July due to his depression. It came as a complete shock to me but in hindsight the signs were there.

Since the beginning of the year he has been partying hard, drinking excessively and every couple of months taking drugs (coke, ketamine, MDMA). I am very anti drugs - I knew H had a few years of recreational drug use behind him when we met 8 years ago and he assured me this was in the past.

Since leaving us I know he's taken stuff on nights out and it makes me so furious. I can't believe a dad would take drugs not knowing 100% what's In them, risking being caught and a criminal record.

This weekend was one of the weekends that he took coke. It was on Saturday night and he knew he was meant to be looking after DS Sunday afternoon/evening. My DM has just been diognosed with cancer and I thought I could at least count on him to show up not hungover/on a comedown so I could spend time with my mum. When he showed up looking god awful I lost it (not In front of DS, waited until he was in bed) and said that when he moves out of his parents house and into a place of his own, DS would not be going over there. I just do not trust him to not have his druggy mates over and accidently have things fall out of pockets etc. I also said I would be getting legal advice on our whole situation as I just don't know what to do.

He absolutely adores DS and I know this hit him hard. But instead of giving him the wake up call to say he would seek more help for his depression/dependency, he is furious with me. Claims he was on the right path to feeling better and me being like this has set him back to the depressed state he was in a few months ago. He somehow thinks that him being honest by telling me he's taken things makes it better because he's being honest.

So have I overreacted? It just terrifies me something happening to my darling DS. I also worry I'm going to have pushed him over the edge, he'll sink further into depression and he'll do something stupid. It's all such a mess.

YouTheCat Tue 02-Dec-14 22:20:54

No, you haven't overreacted at all.

Definitely seek legal advice.

Preciousbane Tue 02-Dec-14 22:23:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doubtfuldaphne Tue 02-Dec-14 22:27:20

This is so bloody frustrating, I really feel for you. You'd think that this would be a wake up call for him but I guess some people go the other way and just want that escape that drugs or alcohol give. I'll never understand it either. He needs to see a doctor of he hasn't already for the depression. He needs to learn some coping mechanisms and grow up. Maybe a course like 'lets talk' if thats in your area would help. He needs to do all he can to be a good father.
I think you should both go to mediation. A family mediator will talk with you first seperately then together to resolve this or at least come up with a plan.
In the meantime don't let your ex have your dc as I'm sure you won't. Your ex needs to understand what is acceptable and responsible.

qazxc Tue 02-Dec-14 22:39:27

No you have not over reacted! He is just trying to blame you to muddy the waters and avoid taking responsibility.
how is taking drugs going to help his mh issues? Surely self medicating with drink and drugs is the worse possible course of action.
He is the one acting like a tool and endangering himself and possibly your ds , god forbid he find a stray pill or wrapper.
Seek legal advice. Do not let him blame you , you are not the irresponsible one he is. You are not responsible for him, your responsibility is to your ds.

Titsyandmitzy Tue 02-Dec-14 22:42:51

He is taking AD's and has been on a few short courses on stress management and depression. I'm urging him to go back and try one on one counselling but so far he hasn't.
When we first split we had a few relate sessions which were good but when it became apparent we weren't getting back together we stopped due to the cost. Is mediation the same as relate? I literally know nothing about what my next steps should be and I know I need to start investigating. It's just the last thing I need with my mum's diognosis as well.
That's another thing that I'm worrying about terribly. Until Sunday I hadn't mentioned the drugs to anyone but on Sunday I was that upset that I ended up telling my mum. She was absolutely horrified and obviously has great concerns for her grandchild. I'm now really worried that this extra stress is going to impact her recovery. She has breast cancer and surgery to remove the lump on Thursday. She has no one to offload to as my dad passed away last year with cancer.

Titsyandmitzy Tue 02-Dec-14 22:43:55

I'm kicking myself for telling her now and will never forgive myself if this extra stress has any impact

Titsyandmitzy Wed 03-Dec-14 14:00:21

Sorry to bump. Does anyone else have any thoughts?

Got99problems Wed 03-Dec-14 14:06:02

YANBU. You are in no way responsible for his behaviour or how he feels. You are responsible for your 3 year old DS who needs to be able to trust that you'll protect him. Your ex is behaving totally selfishly, and cannot be relied on to co-parent at the moment. If he uses this as an excuse to do more drugs then that is his sadly his choice.

redexpat Wed 03-Dec-14 14:06:23

Heres a thought. Hes blaming you for ruining his chances of recovery, thus neatly sidestepping blame and ultimate responsibility for his actions.

Seek legal advice.

Got99problems Wed 03-Dec-14 14:08:00

P.S. as far as I'm aware the latest research has shown that mood doesn't have any impact on cancer - positive thinking doesn't help cure it and stress/ negative thinking doesn't make it worse. So don't worry about that (although its natural that you're trying to protect your mum at this time)

Discopanda Wed 03-Dec-14 14:09:23

Maybe a contact centre with a responisible third party? Yes he is being selfish and self-medicating, without contact he'll blame you for making his depression worse and use it as an excuse to keep using drugs

Nobedsareheretonightmydear Wed 03-Dec-14 14:09:46

Hmmm - me too. Just posting to say I'm in exactly the same boat (except it's my dad with cancer)... It's such a difficult road to walk. I am worried about seeking legal advice, I'm on mat leave, living at my mums with nothing so can't afford it really.

I hope your mum isn't too stressed out.

NomorepepperpigPLEASE Wed 03-Dec-14 14:19:54

You are NOT responsible for your exp behaviour - truly you are not.

You ARE absolutely responsible for your ds welfare.

tell your mother all is well and he will not be visiting his df

I would honestly contact SS nd tell them about ex drug usage so that he has to pass drugs testing before he is allowed visits. No solicitors needed.

This may seem OTT at the moment but all sorts can happen on a come down or even if ex is on drugs while in the care of your ds. You have to protect your ds and this might be the kick up the arse your ex needs

when my dd1 was 4 (she is nearly 20 now) I walked past her dgm/exp house and he was sat in his car on ecstasy with dd. I took her home and she didn't go back.

depression fall out is a fantastic book that you can down load that helps explain the behaviours of people with depression.

ApocalypseThen Wed 03-Dec-14 15:13:48

One of you has to be the responsible parent here, and it seems like he's not in a position to do that right now.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 03-Dec-14 15:25:28

Yanbu at all, I woukdent let him have unsupervised access knowing he is taking drugs.

Worksallhours Wed 03-Dec-14 17:05:20

He's depressed and he is taking Class A and drinking alcohol while taking anti-depressants? If he is taking SSRIs, then MDMA surely would counteract the entire protocol?

Hate to say it, but this sounds like a biochemical disaster in the making. I would not leave your DS alone with him.

Andrewofgg Wed 03-Dec-14 17:58:09

If he adores your DS he can so control his behaviour as to make contact feasible.

If he does not so control his behaviour he does not really adore your DS.

Stand by your guns.

biggles50 Wed 03-Dec-14 19:55:43

He's a drug addict and until he's clean any reasoning with him is pointless. He won't be clean until he wants to. Someone very close to me is in a psychiatric unit after drug induced psychosis so you're right to be anti drugs. If your son is in his care he is in danger from inhaling second hand cannabis to stabbing himself with a needle.

Supervised visits only at your place until he's clean. I'm so sorry it must be heartbreaking for you but your instinct tells you your son is at risk in his care. Stand strong.

maggiethemagpie Wed 03-Dec-14 20:49:07

Believe me you don't have to worry about things accidentally falling out of pockets. Most drug users know exactly where their stash is and will keep close tabs on it!

I don't agree that he should be taking drugs, but a few benders every couple of months is NOT addiction. He shouldn't be seeing the kids when he's on a comedown but to refuse to let the kids near him is a bit U I think.

All you are doing is driving him underground, he'll say he's given up to please you, but he won't really give up he'll just get better at hiding it.

Titsyandmitzy Wed 03-Dec-14 23:33:16

Thank you so much to everyone for your support. I've been trying to get back on here for ages to reply but my internet has been playing up for the last few days and can only seem to get wifi sporadically. Anyone on Plusnet by any chance? I think it's a known fault but it's driving me bonkers. In case it goes off again I will post this and try my best to reply proper tomorrow!! Thank you all againsmile

helenenemo Wed 03-Dec-14 23:37:25

No over reaction. If you feel like you're wavering just remember it's not just his door social services could be knocking x

helenenemo Wed 03-Dec-14 23:38:34

She didn't say she wouldn't let the kids near him. Just not at some random house.

NomorepepperpigPLEASE Thu 04-Dec-14 09:22:59

Completly ignore magpies advice.

Your duty is to your son not his dad.

I would absolutely be asking for clear drug tests. It could be the kick up the arse he needs.

People soft soaping class A fuck me off.

scarletforya Thu 04-Dec-14 09:29:58

Of course he's depressed if he's taking coke, ketamine and mdma. Ask any psychiatrist and they'll tell you drug taking often triggers depression.

You're just a handy scapegoat for him.

Good for you for sticking to your guns. No way should be be in charge of your child with a drug hangover.

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