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AIBU if I ask DP to have "a talk" with the in laws about switching things up?

(41 Posts)
outtahell Tue 02-Dec-14 09:31:13

Hi Mumsnetters!

Now, I like my ILs well enough - I wouldn't be BFFs with them if they weren't my ILs, but such is family - they're kind nice enough to talk to.

I'm 30 weeks with DS2 - DS1 being 11 months old. We lived with the ILs for the first 3 months of DS1's life and yes, we paid our way. I pushed DP to find a flat because I found it intensely smothering - lots of out of date baby rearing being pushed, snatching DS1 off me etc. Nothing went how I wanted it to - I'd told DP from the start I didn't want anyone but him to visit in hospital but that got forgotten in the chaos and both families descended when all I wanted was to be left in peace.

We go around IL's once every week with DS - for a while it was just DP and DS1 going round, but DP would often stay for far too long, returning with an angry, out of routine baby late for a bottle/meal and left too long in his nappy. So I told DP I'd had enough and was coming along to every visit DS1 goes on especially as MIL treats DS1 inappropriately which DP "doesn't notice" when it happens in front of him.

I have told DP that this time, I am absolutely NOT having anyone else visit in hospital. I want to settle in at home before having anyone else meet DS2. I have also decided that we need to talk on the weekly visits - we don't drive, and I am not dragging a newborn and a toddler out in the cold while it's still painful for me to walk post-partum so we can sit around for hours and hours. If a weekly visit gets missed MIL gets sulky and passive aggressive. It is very much expected we visit them - same with pretty much all the family it seems, MIL and SFIL never go to others.

AIBU to ask DP to tell ILs that either they can be the ones to visit for a while or they can do without visits for a bit (put nicer, of course) and to tell them no hospital visit and to wait to be invited round in advance so they don't get disappointed/he doesn't wuss on it in the moment?

Ohfourfoxache Tue 02-Dec-14 09:36:54

Yanbu

Speak to the hospital and ask if they can help to discourage visitors.

SaucyJack Tue 02-Dec-14 09:48:58

So they're welcome to see the baby as long as they get off their backsides and come to you instead?

YANBU. At all.

primarynoodle Tue 02-Dec-14 09:54:27

yanbu

but if they come to you is it not harder to get them to leave when you want them to?

NewEraNewMindset Tue 02-Dec-14 10:00:31

They are bit going to like that as they then won't be able to control the environment in the same way. I don't think YABU at all. My inlaws are a long way away and I only accompany my DP on trips over there twice a year, and yet it still pisses me off when MIL won't let me feed my own son! When he was still breast feeding she was pretty much wrestling him off my boob. Crazy.

NewEraNewMindset Tue 02-Dec-14 10:00:49

*not

outtahell Tue 02-Dec-14 10:01:31

primarynoodle - if I have enough, I can always whip a boob out to feed DS2 and they'll sprint home.grin I guess I'll agree a good time limit with DP, or come up with a little hint I can give him which means "wrap it up, pretend we're busy". Or I could always plead tiredness and skulk off to leave DP to it.

outtahell Tue 02-Dec-14 10:58:48

NENM - I think you are absolutely right about them wanting the control of being on their turf. They manage to get out the house to go for meals/to the pub, but seem to almost exclusively require friends and family to come to them. It has always been like this, even before DS1 was born and I must admit I am becoming increasingly begrudging of having to struggle with a buggy/changing bag every time - especially when the roads here are so full of careless drivers.

SpringBreaker Tue 02-Dec-14 11:08:17

How is she inappropriate with your child?

SpringBreaker Tue 02-Dec-14 11:10:08

I also can't understand why your dp or mil can't change a nappy or feed a bottle?

marnia68 Tue 02-Dec-14 11:13:08

You'll probably only be in hospital 6 hours post-partum, so by the time your DH informs them, it will be time to come home.
Your Dh needs to rell them that you need a few days rest before you receive any visitors.That is more than reasonable.
I don't think it is unreasonable to allow your DH to visit his parents with DS1 every week.get him to set an alarm on his phone for when to leave
Your ILs were very kind to put you up, when you needed somewhere to live so I don't think you should be so harsh to them.

outtahell Tue 02-Dec-14 11:28:07

SpringBreaker MIL has done things like force milkybar buttons into DS1's mouth when he was 7 months old and still not accepting anything but mush - even after he started crying in distress. She has also put him in a buggy that an older nephew was pushing very fast and vigorously which I really didn't like.

I will give DP a "WTF?!?" look, but he will do nothing - and in some cases say he didn't see it happen when it happened in front of him. And of course DP and MIL can give a bottle/pouch/nappy change. DP often forgets to check DS1's nappy - even if I change DS1's nappy just before he takes him out while saying "he'll probably need another change by X, so check him around then".hmm DP often stays out longer than intended when by himself, so he simply won't have taken the bottle/pouch with him because it wasn't to be given there.

outtahell Tue 02-Dec-14 11:34:01

marnia68 here you are more than welcome to spend a night or two in the maternity ward to get yourself together - which I intend to do. DP visiting with DS1 by himself is just not happening at the moment - I am not having an angry, out of routine, soaked through baby presented to me hours after they were supposed to be home, which will happen. Especially as DP won't stand up to MIL's inappropriate action with my son or her passive aggressive little jabs.

They were good to put us up. My DP was good to be the main breadwinner for his mother and sisters at the age of 15. Doesn't mean I'm signing my kids over to them.

TheListingAttic Tue 02-Dec-14 11:40:09

I am not having an angry, out of routine, soaked through baby presented to me hours after they were supposed to be home, which will happen

Hate to say it, but - as is so often the case with these in-law threads - sounds like it's your DH that's as much part of the problem....

NomorepepperpigPLEASE Tue 02-Dec-14 11:40:40

YANBU

MaryWestmacott Tue 02-Dec-14 11:41:19

I think you have to stop assuming your DP will deal with stuff, no more giving him WTF looks, just say "MIL, I don't want you to do XYZ." (followed up with a "I said no and I'm [whichever DC it is]'s mother." along with your best 'Paddington hard stare') yes, there'll be fall out, but better than you just getting pissed off and your child getting hurt.

Also say to MIL yourself next time you visit, "Just wanted to say, we've agreed that we don't want either set of grandparents at the hospital when I have the next baby, it'll be far too much and we want [DC1] to feel special so we've decided only he will get to visit the new baby until we're home. But you'll be welcome to come to our house once we're home, and they don't keep you in long with a second these days. Oh and DP and I were talking about it, we think it'll be easier for everyone if you come to us to see the children when there's two of them, it's just too much stuff for us to lug to you, it'll be easier for you to come to us, and won't it be better for you not to always have to host?"

Don't wait for him to do it, step in and do it yourself. Ideally just before you are leaving and act like it's no big deal to DP.

Littleturkish Tue 02-Dec-14 12:11:42

Your husband sounds like the problem here. If he was more competent, your MIL would barely be a problem.

outtahell Tue 02-Dec-14 12:12:18

TLA yes, I know. I told DP that I was coming on all of DS1's visits to his GPs so that I could put a stop to MIL when she gets too much as DP clearly can't do it himself and so I could make sure DS1 was kept to his routine and didn't stay too long. Funnily enough, since I said that MIL has been much better - don't know if DP said anything or if I'm giving off a vibe or what.

MaryWest as above, I've told DP that I'm coming on all visits because I can't trust him to stand up to his mother so I will do it - and her behaviour suddenly improved. hmm I just thought that these rules being put down beforehand might be better coming from him, but then maybe not.

CocktailQueen Tue 02-Dec-14 12:15:56

Your Dh needs to step up and be a better dad! Not changing nappies when needed, of feeding baby? Crazy. That sounds like more of a problem than your MIL.

After the birth of dcs2, get out of the habit of going to ILs every weekend - ask them to come to you instead or say that DC has a bday party or something.

outtahell Tue 02-Dec-14 12:18:08

Littleturkish Yeah. The forgetting nappy changes/bottles thing is daft - though he's no longer as bad as it was. The not standing up to his mummy thing is ridiculous. We've had rows where he accuses me of treating him like a child and I have told him that if he doesn't want me to treat him like a child he should stop acting like I'm his mummy.

Kab13 Tue 02-Dec-14 12:22:21

It's such a shame that throughout their pregnancies and in the first few months of motherhood people don't just think about the baby and mother bonding and relaxing! My in laws were and still are awfully pushy and controlling.
yadnbu!
He needs to have a gentle chat with them at first and if that doesn't sink in a bit of a more serious chat!
Down to home OP not you.

Kab13 Tue 02-Dec-14 12:22:30

Him* not home!

outtahell Tue 02-Dec-14 12:27:25

CocktailQueen you know why he likes visiting his folks? So he can sit on the settee going on his phone while his mum does whatever she wants with DS1. If he's at home on his day off, he's equally on call for DS1 duties. He's a lot better about bottles and nappies than he was, but still prone to forgetting.

Sometimes I get him to take DS1 while I go for a lie down/nap on his day off - pregnancy+difficulty sleeping due to anxiety+baby = bleugh - only to be awoken with "Baaabe! He won't stop fussing and I don't know why! Help!" so I look at the time and tell him that by now he should have done a bum change and fed him lunch/a bottle and he's like "oh".

Ragwort Tue 02-Dec-14 12:30:08

TheListeningAttic is right, as usual these threads say more about the DH/DP than the MIL.

Why on earth isn't your DP sorting out the baby's bottle, changing his nappy etc hmm. I can't imagine your DP will be able to have a 'gentle chat' with his mother as he is clearly enabling the behaviour, and probably loving being treated as mummy's little boy still. He is just not going to be able to stand up to his mother so not sure what good having a chat will do - preumably you've tried all this before?

These threads terrify me, I have an only DS and God Forbid that I should end up like some of these mothers.

Ragwort Tue 02-Dec-14 12:32:51

Just read your last comment - he's clearly a man child and I would question why you even made the choice to have another baby with him, knowing what his behaviour is like. How old is he? Sounds like a teenager if he can't put his phone down or care for his own child.

There are so many similar threads to this on Mumsnet these days, it is totally depressing.

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