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Aibu to stress out my husband?

(24 Posts)
Tingatingatale Tue 02-Dec-14 06:38:59

Please tell me if I being unreasonable please. I have recently returned to work full time. We have two young children. H tends to work long hours sometimes so pick ups and tea/bed/bath are down to me if he's late. Last night he didn't get home until eight. There was stuff that had to be sorted out last night being the the first of the month like payments and the nursery bill and our car is not driving properly. After we'd sat down after id done lunch boxes and sorted clothes for the morning I told him about it all. He then said I had got him stressed and he couldn't go to sleep now

My youngest woke at half five this morning. I almost fell asleep in a meeting yesterday as I was up through the night with him and at five Sunday morning. I asked husband to take him down as I needed some sleep and he's stropping now that he's hardly had any sleep as I stressed him out and be didn't manage to sleep.

Aibu in sharing this with him? We are both working full time and sometimes there's stuff to sort out. There was no other time to do it and payments had to be made

Fizzielove Tue 02-Dec-14 06:43:09

I can sympathize - my problem is that DH only half listens!

Perhaps in future do the talking first then do the lunches / clothes? I know others will say that he should be helping with these chores - but you know what they say - if you want something done right do it yourself - I long ago gave up the idea of DH being able to sort this stuff without issues (he can't find stuff - all he has to do is open the drawers and look! obviously too difficult for a man!)

Good luck!

SurfsUp1 Tue 02-Dec-14 06:51:55

He's just cranky because he's tired?

If he doesn't want you to download your day's tasks just before bed is that a problem?

You weren't U to tell him all that stuff, but if you continued to do it even though you know it makes it difficult for him to unwind then that might be a bit U.

Get him some magnesium to help him sleep better - sounds like you could maybe do with some too.

ihatethecold Tue 02-Dec-14 06:59:53

Bloody hell fizzy
I think the 1950's are calling.
Why should the op do it if it's to be done properly?
Having kids is a joint partnership.
They both work full time.
He should be doing his fair share. Not sulking like a 2 year old.

Pelicangiraffe Tue 02-Dec-14 07:05:36

I'm with your DH. Why stress him out before bed when it will effect sleep

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 02-Dec-14 07:07:37

Why is he working long hours in the first place? Is it a need or a choice?

Why is ok for you to get no sleep and not him?

Inertia Tue 02-Dec-14 07:09:15

You got him stressed? Why is it your responsibility to manage the household when you both work full time? Sounds like he doesn't want to have to do his fair share.

Anyway, if he was unable to sleep it made sense for him to get up with the children , as he was awake anyway.

calmexterior Tue 02-Dec-14 07:12:52

YANBU.

Not sure of best way to even things up though. Perhaps start by one getting up with children on Saturday and one Sunday to give you each a lie in?

guineapig1 Tue 02-Dec-14 07:17:51

I don't think yabu in the slightest! If you both work full time general household tasks and admin that need to be done of an evening fall to both parties. We adopt an approach where as much as possible in terms of both admin so bill paying/form filling etc is done at the weekend and also as much prep as possible so putting clothes put for the week, packing bags, making sure the fridge is full for lunch boxes and snacks and that dinner is sorted. The in the week, basically nobody sits down until everything is done so DH might walk the dog whilst I get supper on, then after food, I might wash the dishes and sort out any osier work that has come in and Dhwill bath AdSand get the packed lunches done! If you were at home all day it would be reasonable for him to expect you to have a handle on these things but if you are working its a bit different.

SurfsUp1 Tue 02-Dec-14 07:20:14

Why is it your responsibility to manage the household when you both work full time?

I assumed it was because he works longer hours? When both DH and I worked FT his hours were way longer than mine so I did more of the household stuff - not out of some 1950s role playing but just because I was home and he wasn't.

If he came home and told me all about his day's stresses then it would effect my ability to relax and vice versa. If it didn't bother him then fine, but he's said it's stresses him, so either don't talk about for daily crap or save it for another time.

Doesn't seem unfair so long as it works both ways.

MaryWestmacott Tue 02-Dec-14 07:22:31

Ok op, you are not wrong to expect your DH to step up and start dealing with some of this stuff as a 2 working adult household, but your way of just talking at him about it late when he's knackered is not a good approach.

Do you both do desk based jobs? If so, then email him a "stuff that needs sorting" list during the day, not just verbally tell him at night when he's stopped.

If you are giving him jobs to do, then don't do it in a way that just suits you.

Tonight, when everything is calmer, ask him how he'd like to divvy up the roles now, you sound like you are still taking responsibility for stuff then giving him tasks that you expect doing then, make some stuff his responsibility, and set up a direct debt with your nursery/get them to email the bill to your DH if you want him to sort paying it.

gretagrape Tue 02-Dec-14 07:22:34

Can't you have a catch up about all that kind of stuff at the weekend? Bills and nursery fees are always going to be regular occurances so why wait until the day they need paying and making it urgent and therefore stressful? Unless there's been an emergency that needs sorting we don't even try to talk about important stuff on weeknights because we are too tired and more likely to argue about it.

Theorientcalf Tue 02-Dec-14 07:24:25

Have you not got payments on direct debit so they just go out automatically every month? The only thing we have to sit down and pay is nursery.

YANBU though, it should be both your responsibility to sort these things out and you should take it in turns on a weekend to have a lie in.

SurfsUp1 Tue 02-Dec-14 07:26:10

Is she asking him to share the jobs? I didn't read it that way. I read it that she just wanted to tell him all about it before bed.

LovleyRitaMeterMaid Tue 02-Dec-14 07:27:19

Standing orders? Direct debits? Who actually pays bills anymore? Just set it up to go automatically.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Tue 02-Dec-14 07:29:06

I think telling him about bills and cars before bed is a bit silly. I also think you need to get direct debits sorted.

Guitargirl Tue 02-Dec-14 07:33:22

With the car thing it's more understandable, sometimes people are just about coping with everyday life then one thing going wrong can totally bring down the pack of cards. But the monthly bills, that happen every month? It can't have been news to him that yesterday was the first of the month. And I agree with others, spend an hour or so setting up direct debits and standing orders. Is he worried about money?

Tingatingatale Tue 02-Dec-14 07:51:00

Thanks all. I started the job last week after being a SAHM for two years. He needs to work long hours to get the work done as he's self employed. By the time he got home last night I hadn't sat down and didn't finish until half nine. He knows the bills need to be paid but it always falls to me to remind him. If I didn't it wouldn't get paid. I work standard office hours so do the picks ups and sort the kids bedtime etc.

It shouldn't be stressful though. It's bills that need paying. It's not a surprise. The one payment he doesn't want on direct debit. Once I get paid I'll take it over.

He has got up and gone to work now. Luckily I have been up since six so have got the children sorted ready to drop them off

Sandthorn Tue 02-Dec-14 08:17:48

I definitely don't think you should be taking on all this responsibility yourself, but I'll admit to getting pissed off when my husband brings things like that up in the hour before bed. Often there's nothing you can so about it then anyway, and it just adds to all the other day-to-day shit you're worrying about.

Time to have a "guess what - this is stressing me out too!" conversation, either in the morning, or as soon as he gets home. Then book some time together at the weekend to share out some tasks, and be proactive in putting your bills in order (ie: pay what's due, then set up direct debits for anything you possibly can). Once that's done, you just need a quick review every few months to make sure it's all up to date and you're both paying your fair share.

You might want to look at both your work commitments while you're at it, and divide up some household tasks so you each get some free time. I have no time for this "if you want something done right..." bullshit: that's the self-sacrificing simper of martyrs everywhere. If your partner is a decent human being, they'll try to pull their weight, and if that isn't good enough, you're probably being too precious about it.

IsItMeOr Tue 02-Dec-14 09:21:37

It doesn't sound like he has a very good boss...

But less flippantly, it sounds like you need to have a talk about how you manage all the things that you, as a couple, need to get done, now that you are both working.

Maybe you need to use some of the money he is presumably earning by working such long hours to employ help with things like cleaning, laundry, etc.

I would also be suspicious that it is easier for him to stay at work late than deal with lunchboxes and bills at home.

Pelicangiraffe Tue 02-Dec-14 10:36:23

I'm terrible with being told anything stressy last thing at night and yes it would effect my sleep. We tend to have an on going to do list which we share by email. Means we both do odds and ends lunchtime and relax in the eve. Big problems we save till we have time at the weekend or we might talk lunchtime

Pelicangiraffe Tue 02-Dec-14 10:37:26

Agree with splitting up the tasks

Tingatingatale Tue 02-Dec-14 19:41:00

Thanks all. He's self employed so is his own boss but works long hours so he doesn't have to work weekends. It's my second week after being at home for a while so think he's used to me just sorting everything out. I've spoken to him tonight about how I can't do all the night wakings and early mornings as I spent a lot of my day in meetings and need to be on form. Going to take some adjustment for both of us I think

Nanny0gg Tue 02-Dec-14 19:44:37

I'm with your DH. Why stress him out before bed when it will effect sleep

Aw bless. So none of the household matters are his to deal with/discuss? He doesn't need to get up in the night? Why? He's 'not sleeping' so he might as well...

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