To ask for your consequences for older children?(84 Posts)
any threat to disconnect WiFi usually works with mine.
DD1 - aged 12 has stages of warnings and can end up without her phone, lap top and grounded if she pushes it (rarely does as she knows I mean business)
DD2 - 10 - get's her X-box controller and/or tablet removed after 3 warnings
BUT I prefer to use rewards - so they have jobs to do and get pocket money - if they don't then they don't
I also chose my battles and try not to let the small stuff become a big issue
If she is the only one who eats the junk/drinks the pop then stop buying her it.
Stop washing any of her clothes that arent in the laundry basket.
Let her leave her uniform in a crumpled heap, then send her to school wearing it the next day.
Does she have pocket money? If so, tie it in with respectful behaviour. If she doesnt, and you just give her money for stuff willy nilly then stop, and introduce behaviour dependent pocket money.
No advise but watching closely! I could have written this myself have blown up today and dd, 12 in Feb is now grounded.
I feel your pain
I have one wildly in the throes of teenagerhood. It's not pretty. You have my sympathy.
You are the adult. She is the child. I assume there is a Father who is also responsible for DDs upbringing. If she's 5 you are being unreasonable to ask her to be anything other than a child. If she is 10 you have a reasonable expectation that she start to learn some elements of family values, consideration for others, manners and morals, but even so, she's 10 and she deserves the right to be a child for as long as you can shield the world from her. Either way, you are the adult and you are responsible for both her attitude and her moral outlook. She got them from you, or she got them from someone else because you chose to abdicate your responsibility to teach her.
To my mind, you can never blame a child for wrongdoing. You can only blame an external source (society/TV/friends/school), and even then, ultimately, those sources only teach your child because you have chosen to not do so yourself. The buck stops with you I'm afraid. We live in a world where it's nice to be able to blame everything on someone else, but our children are our responsibility, and any perceived FU in our child's behaviour is our fault, not someone else's.
TBH, all I read in your complaint, if it is not a joke, is selfishness and self-absorption. You have a child, not a slave. Let her be, and maybe she'll appreciate you more. Really, between 'do I want a happy daughter?' and 'do I want a sweetly papers on my carpet?', I'd choose a happy daughter. You seem to have issues greater than an untidy daughter who won't play fetch when you need her to.
My sister was like that for a time. And then so was her daughter, my niece, and I had no sympathy with my sister who had it coming to her.
Good luck OP - you are going to need it. I hope it does not sound sexist if I say I am glad I only ever got the blue model. If they go wrong they go really, rally wrong, but if they don't I am convinced (from what I have seen of my own one and DW's four nieces) that they are somewhat less bloody awful in their teen years than the pink model.
Natural and logical consequences. Rumpled uniform; not your problem. Dirty knickers in bed; disgusting but not your problem. Food and wrappers in the main part of the house; absolutely your family problem. No junk gets bought if the wrappers are dropped. If she's buying it for herself, I might ask the GPs to be part of this if need be and not give her money to filthy up your home.
Make as few things as possible an issue. Lots of I statements. "When you left a wrapper on the floor, I was in pain picking it up." No shouting or praise, just fact.
elephantspoo x-posted. Now a bit more serious: at 12 they can be expected to do their bit to make the household work. My DF was blind which restricted what he could do in the house and DSis and I as a matter of course had our share of the duties and did them. OP has arthritis which probably restricts her and DD can be expected to help in the same way.
My dd can leave whatever mess she likes in her room but not in the rest of the house.
Every Saturday she cleans up her shit or she goes nowhere!
If her washing is not the wash basket, I do not wash it.
Let your dd wear crumpled school uniform, you won't see it!
Honestly. The pride will come!!!!
No food outside the kitchen/dining room, it's hard at times, but I can't abide stepping on crumbs and spilt drinks.
Consequences/sanctions don't work on DD1 (ten in March)
The only way to get her to behave is to catch her in a good mood and to keep the momentum going through praise and explaining things reasonably.
But when it's gone, it's gone.
Elephantspoo is talking rubbish. Ignore that op.
I sympathise but have no advice as my eldest is 5. You sound like you're doing a great job
your big voice won't help. and it'll be a long few years.. ive just witnessed it from a close friend, but as a PP said, just lots of i statements that will eventually hit her consciousness. my friend also found humour helped.
"i was sad to see you slept in a smelly bed with those underwear"
"it hurt me to pick up you cola can. it may hurt me to buy more"
OR do what my mother did and take her rubbish to her bedroom as soon as she's left it. it'll soon piss her off and she'll bin it!!
and Elephantspoo what a horrific reply. i will be shocked if you have teenagers. and if you do what spoilt brats they must be!
Does a happy child need to be a selfish one though Elephant?
Young people will be happier in the long term if they learn to take others' needs into account. Otherwise, they could be 'that' person at work, or in uni halls, that winds everyone up by leaving crap everywhere for others to clean up...
Agree with Crockershite and MrsTerryPratchett. If she wants to wear un-ironed clothes then fine, she can go to school looking like a bagwash. If those dirty knickers dont make it into the wash then she will be going commando.
Ask GPs to stop giving her the cash. Explain what the problem is. Most GPs would not want to be facilitating slovenly behavior. How about asking them to open a bank account for your DD and paying the money into that?
What interests does your DD have outside of school? Any chance of interesting her in one of the guide/scout/cadet organisations? These are great for instilling a sense of pride (it sounds like she has no pride in herself at the moment).
Lay it on thick won't you.
OP, I agree with those saying use rewards, especially if your dd is stubborn.
Mine isn't 11 yet but whatever you take off her doesn't matter, clothes being a mess or missing, doesn't bother her.
Threatening to not take her to rehearsals is the only thing that works atm.
There will be something that will work, teaching her to be responsible for herself and letting her do it for herself for a few weeks will give her the confidence and ability to keep it up.
I used to follow dd round until she went to bed, saying, I'll get that, I'll do that etc. Then after a couple of days and nights she was so sick of me following her, she did it herself
Keep trying, something will work.
elephantspoo - do you live in the same world as the rest of us?
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