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Can we agree that my ex is a twat?

(21 Posts)
PrincessTeacake Mon 01-Dec-14 19:46:33

Bit of a complicated situation, please bear with me. Names changed to protect the innocent.

Ex is an ex of almost three years ago, and we only went out for a few months. I'm going to call him Leif for reference. He had many issues when we were going out, hence his ex status. But he happens to be on very friendly terms with my good friends, they interact with him more online than in person and they'd be my friends more than his but he still knows much of the ins and outs of their lives.

My friend (Coco) was going out with a guy (Twatticus Finch, or TF for short) and it ended quite badly because TF took it badly. They were only going out for two months but he became obsessed with this idea that she was turning all his friends against him (she wasn't, he was doing that just fine on his own.) He did a lot of low-level crap, rumor spreading and passive agressive nastiness towards us when we were all together. We largely ignored it and he pushed himself out of the group as time went on.

Then, around June of this year, both TF and Coco were given timeslots to talk about a specialist subject that they happen to have had in common, at two different venues. TF was given an hour for his, and took up a half-hour with the subject and the other half with something unrelated. Coco got two hours and used the whole slot on the subject. This is where Leif stuck his oar in.

Leif told TF that the two lectures were almost identical, and since TF's was two weeks before Coco's the implication was that Coco stole her material from TF. He went crazy, smeared her and the company she worked for all over his business webpage and tried to get her fired. He also threatened legal action. I was at both talks and the only thing they had in common was two video clips, both sourced from youtube and both in the public domain. I pointed this out to TF, and have re-iterated it multiple times. Because of the brouhaha TF has been banned from doing talks at several venues and he blames Coco for this, so he's followed up now with online harassment, death threats and threats to beat up her friends. It's still going on. Leif had no reason to fan the flame other than shit stirring.

Coco is understandably furious with Leif, and jokingly said the other day she'd squirt ketchup in his face next time she saw him (Leif has a sauce phobia). That spurred a discussion with our friend group who thought it was inappropriate given that it could drive Leif to a panic attack. I pointed out that as a result of his actions Coco has had several panic attacks and has had to get the police involved, and Leif has not offered so much as an apology. And with that, our well-meaning mutual friend sent him a message asking him to apologize for the trouble he had caused Coco.

And now for what particularly galls me about this twat; he got defensive, as I knew he would, and mutual friend tried to give an equivalency citing me as an example: "How would you feel if someone used PT to get back at you just because you happened to go out for a while?" His response was to say someone had done this, back when I made a public statement about the sexual abuse I had suffered to help other survivors in our community. Apparently someone who had his number and was close enough to him to know we had dated called him at 4am to gloat about it, and he was upset about this not because this person thought my experience was funny, but because he was made an object of fun for it. He took my experience and made it all about him.

The others in the group are always defending him to me, saying he's a nice guy that has issues and he's apparently always nice about me when they talk. I have seen him make disgusting statements about suicide, he bombarded me for weeks with guilt-trippy texts after we broke up and he alternates between giving me the cold shoulder and demanding to know why I don't talk to him.

So this describes a twat, right? Because I really need some back up on this.

19lottie82 Mon 01-Dec-14 19:49:28

A phobia of ketchup???? ROFL grin

ScrambledSmegs Mon 01-Dec-14 19:58:18

Yes, I'd say that's a fair enough assessment.

hesterton Mon 01-Dec-14 20:01:33

I have no idea. Just posted to say what fabulous names you have given your friends.

DiscoDancer Mon 01-Dec-14 20:03:57

Fab names and snorted out my orange squash when reading about the ketchup phobia grin

MyCatIsAStupidBastard Mon 01-Dec-14 20:07:21

Yup, Twat.

BitchPeas Mon 01-Dec-14 20:09:18

I went out with someone with a phobia of crisps.

He was a massive cunt.

So on that basis yanbu, it positivity proves poor character.

I want friends with as cool names as yours. sad

motherofmonster Mon 01-Dec-14 20:14:47

Think we should have a mumsnet whip round and but you a giant foam ketchup dressing up outfit.. We could then take it in turns following twat around and jumping out of bushes Mr Miagui style grin

LumpenproletariatAndProud Mon 01-Dec-14 20:23:17

BitchPeas grin

PrincessTeacake Mon 01-Dec-14 21:21:07

It's not just ketchup. His list of phobias include:

*Pasta
*Dairy
*Vegetables
*Most fruit
*All sauce, including curry, soy, gravy etc.
*This noise that airplanes have when taking off that only he can hear.

He's never looked for any help for these issues, no therapy, no mild safe exposure, nothing. Personally I think he revels in it because it makes him sympathetic rather than just pathetic.

Thanks for the kudos on the names, they are all mildly related to their real names.

ScrambledSmegs Mon 01-Dec-14 21:31:12

What, he's actually phobic of all these things?

I know some people with two phobias at most, how can he have that many? He must be in a constant state of heightened anxiety. Not to mention nutritionally deprived!

Cameochick11 Mon 01-Dec-14 21:42:14

Afraid of most fruit? And veg? Seriously? I'm guessing you never sat down to watch Attack of the Giant Tomatoes together. Yes, he sounds like a massive Ass Hat. You are well rid.

kittykathat Mon 01-Dec-14 22:50:13

Wtf

addictedtobass Mon 01-Dec-14 23:08:27

Wow, I would drop him as quickly as possible and pretend I didn't know him.

Longdistance Mon 01-Dec-14 23:11:03

Is Coco a clown?

CaptainAnkles Mon 01-Dec-14 23:11:24

A great title for a novel - Twatticus Finch and the Great Ketchup Adventure

PrincessTeacake Tue 02-Dec-14 10:58:56

I might just write that, it could be like harry potter if harry spent the whole book whining about his issues and trying to get voldemort fired from the death eaters.

MonstrousRatbag Tue 02-Dec-14 12:34:10

Leif is a massive twat.

The friend group is doing that thing where, because the bad behaviour is not directed at them, it can and will be minimised and brushed away, since that is easier than actually thinking about how it must feel and calling the person responsible to account.

BlueGreenHazelGreen Tue 02-Dec-14 12:39:37

Leif sounds very, very, tiring.

It sounds like you're maybe on FB with him? Don't be.

Don't see him, don't communicate with him.

Stay out of all the rest. You all seem a little over involved in each other's lives.

calculatorsatdawn Tue 02-Dec-14 12:43:53

tell us more about the phobias, how do they manifest?

PrincessTeacake Tue 02-Dec-14 23:04:45

Mostly in just a demand to not have any of these things near his own plate. He talked a lot about it but I never saw him actually have an adverse reaction to anything other than the mystery plane noise, where he started shaking and covering his ears on take-off and set-down. He'd send a plate back to the kitchen if it had vegetables on it at all, but never reacted to me, say, eating curry in front of him.

I actually haven't spoken to him since June, and before that we hadn't spoken in months. We all happen to go to the same events as I do talks on specialist subjects too, and often at the same venues as Coco and TF. I wouldn't call it overly involved, I do actually avoid him and TF as much as possible (TFs' banned status making that much easier) but Coco is a good friend who I see a lot and TF's threats really got to her. Leif was the instigator for no good reason at all, just shits and giggles.

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