Talk

Flip

1 2

AIBU?

.....to not wish to return to my wife who has accused me of abusing our daughter?

32 replies

IrishNoodles · 30/11/2014 14:43

I left my wife of 10 years just over a year ago now and it’s been a very difficult process. My wife is a beautiful, loving and caring woman who, because of the sexual abuse she herself suffered as a child, has had on going issues for as long as I have known her with social anxiety, trust, intimacy etc. When we met, as with all new long term relationships, she excited me beyond imagination and I fell in love with her very deeply and quickly. In our time together she has always been someone who suffered anxiety socially and I have helped her hugely along the way to cope. From the beginning she was very honest with me about the sex abuse she suffered as a child and I understood that she had received help for this, I too was always there as a shoulder to lean on when she needed it. Our marriage had been turbulent as various events along the way (abortions x 2, I wanted the child on both counts; no follow up counselling after either; very little intimacy following these for obvious reasons; money worries mainly arising from my businesses failure). She has always been very controlling and very volatile (very high and low mood swings) and in the last 7 years or so of our sex life was very infrequent (perhaps once every three weeks or so, and less often) - I always wanted intimacy, not just simply because I am a man, but rather because I loved her and fancied her like crazy, in all honesty, part of me still does to this day. Over years of constant rejection, this wears you down.

When our 9 year old boy was born (3 years into marriage), he was a ray of sunshine and we were naturally besotted - she is and was an amazing all consumed mother, perhaps to the detriment of not having a balanced life with other interests too, but still an amazing mum. When our 7 year old daughter was born (18 months later), she was equally beautiful and we were equally besotted. I'm a hands on Dad and I am always very involved with everything to do with our children. I love(d) every aspect of raring them, however things began to change whenever my wife would see me alone with my daughter. Sink baths, baths, bed time story routines as a baby and up until I left (when she was 6) turned into "do you have to clean her down there" or " do you have to clean her so intensely" or "you're hurting her" or "why are you lying so closely beside her", all said without good reason, all a mixture direct and/or passive aggressive and all very hurtful. Essentially over the years, it was obvious, she didn't trust me with our own daughter and it was beginning to affect my relationship with my daughter too. I was feeling guilty for doing the most innocent of things and my daughter herself was not as close to me as I felt she needed to be - the over protectiveness of her mother was rubbing off on her I believed. In truth, I was heartbroken that A) my wife could think I could do such a thing and B) because I felt my relationship with my daughter, whom I love(d) dearly, was being threatened. I was made to feel guilty about the most innocent of things and my wife and I had no longer a fully functioning marriage. I believe my own personality changed and I too became angry and aggressive in retaliation for her own controlling, accusatory and non-understanding attitude. Again, in truth, I still loved her very much and understood and believed strongly, that our marriage was failing as a result of the sexual abuse she suffered as a child and the resultant effects it had on her. Even amongst all the heart break, I wanted to help and understand. My professional life (I am and have been successful at work) really suffered as a result, I do believe you are only as successful outside of your home as you are within your home, and unfortunately I worked from home as a consultant!

I asked my wife to seek help many times over the years for her own sake and for us as a family, to this day she says she can’t remember my asking. We separated briefly for 1 month three years ago after I had had enough - I said that I would return once she sought help and that I needed to refocus on my own career. We attended Relate for 5 months or so and it was a huge help - I can honestly say, I fell back in love with her all over again and we were becoming close again. Relate counselling finished (I was very happy again) and after 1 month and after being out for dinner together, we went to a village dance where after too much to drink, my wife became intimate with another man, not sexually I don't believe, but engaged in pretty heavy kissing I understand. She was always so loyal, but how can a woman who refuses to be naturally intimate with her husband be so intimate with another. When it all sank in, being honest, it broke me, over the following months and year, I was slowly broken down. More counselling and sex counselling at Relate followed and it was suggested she needed her own private counselling, as I had always requested and suggested. Whilst on holiday 9 months later and after spending a fortune for a fabulous resort to treat us all and relax together, my wife accused me (passively aggressive, not direct) again of touching our daughter after she got herself covered in sand, was in pain as the sand got into her privates and I attempted to clean her down. This lead to arguments, drinking, aggression from her and, well, an end to the dream holiday I had planned. That was it I guess, the last straw and three months later having planned my exit, a nice rental property for my kids and I, we separated. Once again I said I was not closing the door but stated I could not live in a marriage where these accusations floated, where my relationship with my daughter was suffering, where I was suffering with guilt for no reason and where my professional life was being destroyed. The plan was to see the children 50/50, or so I hoped.

This separation has led to this past year of hell. A week after I left my wife self-harmed and/or attempted suicide after drinking heavily in the morning by cutting her wrists, on a Sunday after I had taken the children out to play for the day. She had written 3 suicide letters to our children, her Dad and her Mum, the saddest notes I have ever had to read, all stating how she could not live without her children full time. No letter was written to me. Whilst a section of her family hastily and aggressively pushed for solicitors involvement, I have managed to keep them at bay believing their involvement would only destroy her further - I am not interested in removing our children from her and believe strongly that they need her as much as she needs them, a woman in ill mental health does not need to be stressed with the possibility of having to fight for her children. There was never going to be a fight from me. At present we amicably see the children half the week each. A year of intensive therapy has followed, thankfully all under the supervision of a psychiatrist including 'family therapy' where I have attended each and every time - I will do anything and everything to help my wife, I love her, I feel I owe it to her and I feel I need and want to for the sake of our beautiful children. She has been diagnosed with bi-polar and is now beginning the long road of therapy under the direction of a clinical psychologist also, therapy she has always deserved and needed. I pray it works. No matter how hard it has been, I am determined if at all possible to have a good friendly relationship with my wife and again, at times I still love and want her very much, indeed I miss her.

My wife wants me back and for the sake of attempting a 'happy family' scenario 'one more time', part of me feels I could do it, my heart wants it......so does my bank balance. Another part of me, my head, tells me not too, I am too scared of a repeat, to scared of being hurt all over again, too scared of her attempting suicide if we break up again, too scared of the constant rejection, of being accused of being inappropriate with my daughter again (this has all stopped now, separate houses has made it so and my relationship with my daughter is better than it has ever been, we are best friends!!), too scared of the repeated aggression, lack of respect and fight towards each other and, I too, have found myself again, the old happy self who is confident without any self-guilt. I am not there yet, but I am slowly rebuilding my professional career also, the appetite for calculated risk and entrepreneurial flair is slowly returning.

I am now at the stage, 14 months on, where I want a relationship again with a woman. I want to love again and be loved.

I am right, am I not, to turn my back on this past relationship and to maintain whatever amicable friendship we have, and search out a new, fabulous and exciting romantic adventure with a whole new woman? Am I?

OP posts:

Report

Nomama · 30/11/2014 14:50

YANBU in any way shape or form.

That your wife has had a hard time and is now wanting you to be there for her own reasons, may be less stable than she should be and may be making you feel guilty for not agreeing to help her regain her 'happy family', is not a reason for you to jump to order.

Be sure you can do what you set out to do, make no promises you cannot keep, look out for your own best interests as they may well be best for your kids too, and good luck.