AIBU to miss niece's party?

[Nervypreg]

Please go easy on me - this is my first post. I've been lurking for a while (naice ham, pombears, penis beaker etc) but tonight I need the Mumsnet jury to help.

Tomorrow it's my niece's birthday party - normally it would go unsaid that myself and dd1 would pop along. However, the weekend before last my nieces both came down with a horrific sickness bug (think The Omen).
Now I struggle with sickness anyway, being emetophobic for at least 15 years, but I'm currently 7.5 months pregnant and utterly petrified dd1 will catch it. My anxiety has increased dramatically during this pregnancy, so much so that a few weeks ago I spent an entire weekend crying with worry when a sickness bug went round dd1's nursery (heaven knows how she didn't get it, I'm just grateful she was well). I've read that norovirus can live on surfaces for weeks or months, and having relayed this info to my dh he agrees it's a bit dodgy if we go and I'd be in a right old state if dd1 or I get ill. Dh is being really supportive, he hasn't ever seen me sob with anxiety before so he knows it's out of the ordinary, but am I being completely, totally and utterly irrational? I finish work in just a matter of days and I really want to be there so I can see everyone before I go, and if myself or dd1 are ill I won't be able to do this... I have also limited contact with others because of my phobia, and people already think I'm a bit of a moody arse, but I can't help it. I am looking at counselling or therapy after lo is born as it's only going to get worse with 2 kids!

Thanks for reading, please be nice :)

[Hulababy]

The big was two weeks ago then? Surely they will be over it and it will be long gone by now.

[Nervypreg]

Apparently you continue to shed the bug in your poo for months - I feel really pathetic even knowing this!

[Hulababy]

But realistically are you going to avoid them for several months?

[PreMadonna]

YABU. But me telling you that you are being totally irrational and weird is not going to cure your phobia overnight.

Get some proper help before it ruins your life.

[Janethegirl]

If it's stressing you this much don't go. Just find an acceptable excuse such as you're too tired with your pregnancy and Xmas etc and be very apologetic.

[owlbegoing]

How old is your DN? Will she be aware that you're not there when you should have been?
I assume that her parents are aware of your phobia?
I think YABAbitU sorry

[NeedABumChangeNotANameChange]

YABU and you know it. How do you go out in public? When you go clothes shopping how do you know the person trying it on before you didn't throw up hours before but dragged themselves out?

If your phobia is so bad that you are missing social events then you need some serious help. Cbt can be very useful with phobias. Go to your GP.

[NeedABumChangeNotANameChange]

And an entire weekend crying- this is not normal. Tell your doctor this. Your DP sounds more like an enabler than a support. I'm guessing if your daughter is sick he deals with it for you instead of you having to force yourself to?

[WorraLiberty]

Why are you waiting until after the baby is born to get counselling?

I think you really need it now (unless there's a huge waiting list).

After the baby is born, you'll probably be too tired/busy to sort this out and it could get much worse.

YABU but you know that....because phobias by their very nature are unreasonable.

You know you run the risk of getting all sorts of germs, every time the cashier hands you your change in a shop.

[Janethegirl]

OP has the party tomorrow, she's not going to get CBT before then.
I'd find an acceptable excuse and not go.
Ok long term it needs addressing but that sort of advice isn't going to be useful for an event in less than 24 hours.

[Nervypreg]

Thanks for the responses so far. Like I said, normally I keep it under wraps and am more rational than I have been lately, although it's a running joke in the family not to be sick near me as I'll freak out, so yes dn's parents know about it. I go about normal life fairly calmly, I just get a bit panicky if someone says they feel sick and make my excuses to go somewhere else. Dd has been sick a few times since babyhood and I do deal with it, with dh dealing with dd whilst I clear up.
Tbh I thought the GP would think me pretty pathetic and I'm a bit worried counselling might include exposure therapy which would be a bit much at the moment.

I suppose I was asking for actual real-life medical stats from someone in the know about the likelihood of us catching it tomorrow. My niece is 8, but it'll mainly be her friends who have been invited (I.e. We aren't pivotal guests who will make or break the success of the party iyswim). Thanks again, particularly to worraliberty, needabumchange, owl and Jane

[Nervypreg]

Thanks Jane

[Nervypreg]

Hula - never thought about that thb!

[WorraLiberty]

But the point is, anyone could catch it tomorrow no matter where they go.

I'm sure there's no more risk at the party than there is anywhere else.

Would taking along a bottle of antibac make you feel better maybe?

It's such a shame to get yourself in a state about this

[NeedABumChangeNotANameChange]

I don't think your GP would think you pathetic. It is courageous to address your fears.

[Oakmaiden]

You are being unreasonable. You are probably less likely to catch a bug from attending this party than from going to the local supermarket. Logically you know this.

However, I appreciate logic doesn't help much, sometimes. If you are getting really anxious about it, I think it is OK not to go - but I would also visit the doctor and tell him that your phobia of sickness has started to restrict the way you live your life, and it might be time you sought some help with it.

[Nervypreg]

Cheers Needabumchange - I know I need to sort it out, I don't want my phobia to pass onto my dc. Is it something that would even cross a rational-person's mind about going somewhere where 2 weeks ago 3 people hurled for England?! I can't even tell!
I'll mention it to my GP next time I go and see what they suggest. I used to love the Winter, now I just think of it as Norovirus season. Horrible bugs - I don't remember it being like this when we were little. Coughs, colds, chicken pox etc yes, but not yearly vomming bugs

[Lauren83]

I have emetophobia and know how hard it is, I know you could catch something of anyone but its the increased anxiety that comes with it isn't it? If I found out after someone had been ill its fine but its the panic before. I had CBT before I tried for a baby so 7 years ago, still no baby and I think the benefits have worn off but you should look into it

[MildDrPepperAddiction]

If it makes you that anxious, don't go. It's not good for you/baby. But do get help for this. With kids you can't really avoid bugs and you need to be able to look after them when they are sick.

[WooWooOwl]

You have my sympathy. Phobias like this are horrible to live with.

Is it something that would even cross a rational-person's mind about going somewhere where 2 weeks ago 3 people hurled for England?!

No, not really. You are thinking like this because you have a phobia. The whole point is that it's irrational.

[Nervypreg]

Lauren - thanks for posting. It's nice to know there's someone else here with it. Good to hear that cbt helped you - I'd heard conflicting views.
Thanks MildDrPepper, I promise I will get help - maybe when I'm on leave I'll find a spare hour to see one of our GPs and get the ball rolling. It's made me realise how little anxieties can grow into something massive, and that's no fun for anyone long term - I don't want to go down that road!

[AgentZigzag]

I think you should make an appointment with your doctor now just to talk to him about this on it's own, instead of waiting to mention it next time you're there.

Crying all weekend is pretty extreme, it's not good to be so upset for so long over something that's a relatively minor concern, even if some of it could be down to being pregnant.

Have your family taking the piss out of you for it made you minimize it a bit do you think? Or could it be that going into a surgery (with all the lurking mankies) is a problem in itself?

I totally disagree with NeedABum saying 'Your DP sounds more like an enabler than a support' it's not for him to (even gently) force you into getting help.

He accepts you as you are, much worse for him to put even more pressure on you to sort it when you don't feel in a position to. At least you know that home is a sanctuary for you with someone understanding to back you up if you need it.

(YANBU re not going to the party. Wouldn't your family be concerned if they knew it had got to overly distressing levels for you? Could you talk to someone you're close to about how bad it's got?)

[Viviennemary]

They are not likely to have this sickness bug over a week later. But if you don't want to go then don't. But I agree you should make an appointment with your GP to talk about your anxieties. I'm quite an anxious person but when it comes to crying all weekend over something like this you need to do something. Seeing your doctor would be a good start.

[Nervypreg]

WooWoo - it's not pleasant and it chips away - I can feel it teaching silly levels now. Eurgh.
AgentZigZag, lovely post, thank you for being so nice. No, my family haven't been piss-taking, just gentle banter. My dad is a bit of an emetophobe too, not that he let it show when we were little, so he understands. The GPs surgery is a bit manky but I'm just careful not to touch my mouth before I get home and wash my hands well.

I might throw myself on my mother's mercy if she probes me about it - she knows I've had increased anxiety generally but I don't think I've been specific about what exactly is making me anxious. She knew I was upset that weekend - time to fess up I think!

[KnackeredMuchly]

I think you shouldn't go - don't push ypur anxieties too hard in this pregnancy.

BUT you should take a penance from missing the party - and force yourself to make a doctors appointment about it.

It wont be exposure therapy, you are merely making excuses why not to go. I can assure you that life is better without the phobia than with it