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Aibu to not be considering giving up? 7th miscarriage (long)

(38 Posts)
SlicedAndDiced Sat 29-Nov-14 16:33:38

Just that really.

I am actually going through our seventh miscarriage as I type, though this time at least it is mercifully early at 7 weeks.

I actually posted back in August when I had just lost our son Alex after going into premature labour, who was just under the cut off for still birth so also classed as a miscarriage.

I do have a uterine abnormality, a kind of bicornulate uterus with a septum. After we lost Alex the consultants told us of an operation I could maybe have that would reshape my womb.

However after viewing a 3d scan of my womb I was told that it would be a much bigger operation than previously thought and that there were only a couple of surgeons/ hospitals in the country that would try it. I'm waiting for a meeting about it but don't have my hopes up, as I was basically told it probably wouldn't improve my chances anyway.

So should I be thinking of giving up and being grateful for the lovely miracle dd I do have?

I should say it is others opinions that has me asking this. My parents I think were worried after the complications with Alex (haemorrhage) and I am getting the distinct impression from people that I should be wanting to stop putting myself and my partner through this now.

But to put it simply I don't. I don't want to give up. Right now I don't care how many more times this happens, as long as I get a breathing baby at the end of it all. I think that to just give up would cause me more pain than all of the losses put together. It would make it all seem for nothing if you see what I mean?

Or am I just being a selfish cow? I just can't tell anymore, my emotions are all over the place having basically spent the last four years pregnant.

PotteringAlong Sat 29-Nov-14 16:36:32

I think the only opinion that matters here is yours and your DH's.

I cannot begin to imagine how hard it has been and nor, I'm sure, can others so they don't get to choose flowers

ghostyslovesheep Sat 29-Nov-14 16:37:03

you are not being selfish or wrong or daft or - you are grieving xxx

give yourself a break - and be kind to yourself - I'm very sorry for your loss

(after my 5th MC my DH wanted to give up - I begged for one last go and she's 6 next week - I had non of your issues but I also totally get your need to keep going)

CatLady25 Sat 29-Nov-14 16:38:31

When the time is right it will happen.
Everything happens for a reason.

Nomama Sat 29-Nov-14 16:41:00

Oh I am torn on this. My aunt carried on, 12 times, and then had her 2nd child, to her and my uncle's delight.

But a good friend ended her marriage with her obsession with having a child. Her DH couldn't bear watching her so ill and yet so hopeful all the time. He begged, she screamed, he left. She too spent about 4 years pregnant. She quickly found a new partner and after another year or two did carry to term. Dad, sadly, was just a means to an end and she threw him out.

My aunt remains 'delicate' but happy with her 2 fully grown children.

My friend remains somehow confined by her choices - the now 5 year old DC isn't exactly house trained, iyswim.

But I do know that you absolutely must have this conversation with your OH. Whatever you decide will have more chance of being the right decision if you make it together.

Good luck and big hugs (())

SlicedAndDiced Sat 29-Nov-14 16:42:32

Thank you for your quick replies

I'm just in a state at the minute, I started to think maybe I was wrong to keep trying.

But that is still the plan.

Tonights plan however is to have a stiff drink at home as I've procured a babysitter. It's been a few years.

I'll be back to the thread later when I've calmed down a bit smile

SlicedAndDiced Sat 29-Nov-14 16:45:07

I will say I am lucky in that DH is completely agreed that we should keep trying at the moment.

I think if he had doubts then that would be a completely different matter.

dancestomyowntune Sat 29-Nov-14 16:46:05

YANBU.

I had a miscarriage, then a live birth (she's almost 12!), then 10 miscarriages before finally having Ds1. I now have four beautiful children and a fifth on the way! I came so close to giving up. I looked into adoption, fostering, I Damon near killed myself with depression but now I am happy.

Monmouth Sat 29-Nov-14 16:53:31

Obviously I don't know the full details of your condition but if it's the case that your miscarriages are down to the uterine abnormality (you don't seem to have any trouble conceiving) then an operation, albeit a big one, is worth a go.

I would at least go a see one of the specialist surgeons and discuss your options.

Good luck.

Kundry Sat 29-Nov-14 17:34:52

In your situation, my mum (including the bicornuate uterus) decided to be grateful for the DD she had (me). She had many miscarriages and a late stillbirth who would have been my sister. I knew about the miscarriages but only found out about the stillbirth a few years ago - my parents never mentioned it when I was a child.

She and my dad were amazed they had me but when my mum also turned out to be rubbish at giving birth both of them decided one was enough -even to the extent of my dad having a vasectomy.

The key thing is they decided together at each stage. If your DH is a good one, don't throw away a marriage over it, make sure you are united and if one of you wants to give up, listen. As currently you both want to carry on, go and see the surgeon and discuss you options. You don't have to make any decisions right now.

I know your family may not feel complete yet, but I would say being an only child is ace! Don't believe all the prejudiced rubbish out there - our family of three was perfect.

makeitabetterplace Sat 29-Nov-14 17:43:29

My dear friend of mine had ten miscarriages over ten years to make her two beautiful boys. I completely understand that some hope is better than no hope. If you feel supported enough to carry on then carry on x

RaisingMen Sat 29-Nov-14 17:47:48

I'm so sorry for your losses. Only you and your DH can decide if and when you give up, nobody else. I wish you all the luck in the world x

rumbleinthrjungle Sat 29-Nov-14 18:10:15

I'm so sorry for your losses. thanks Dsis and I had multiple mcs between us due to a shared in the family condition. As wise pps have said, there's no set number or right time, it's all up to you and DH as to whether you feel ready and able to keep trying.

Wowthishurtsalot Sat 29-Nov-14 18:13:50

At the very least give your body a break, regroup with your DH and decide together how to go ahead.

We have had 3 losses and between us decided we would keep trying until it gets too much for one or both of us.

It takes a great deal of resolve and strength to work out which side of the fence you're going to fall on though. My thoughts are with you.

strawberryshoes Sat 29-Nov-14 18:16:51

If you still want to - then you should. You and DH agree on this, stay strong, and do what you as a family want to do.

I am so sorry for your losses.

toomuchtooold Sat 29-Nov-14 18:19:38

It's up to you (and to a lesser extent your DH). You're not being selfish at all. To be frank I think your family should butt out, however well-meaning they may be - whether you continue or give up, you're the one who'll bear the consequences of the decision, and in any case nobody around you knows miscarriage better than you do.

Really sorry for your loss, and I hope if you do carry on that you are successful, and if you don't carry on that you have some peace with the decision.

LucilleHendrixForTheWin Sat 29-Nov-14 18:21:00

if they were like that with me they wouldn't get in through the door!
poor you, get them told respect you in your own room or don't bother coming....

IKnitYouKnot Sat 29-Nov-14 18:28:11

Your friends and family are probably worried for you, it's hard to see some one go through that pain.
However, it must be harder to be the one experiencing it, and if you feel you can cope with trying again and again and again if you so wish then that is your decision to make.
If your DH is supportive, and you both feel emotionally able to carry on, then you should.
Tell your friends and family that you do appreciate their concern, and you know it comes from a loving place, but that you are not ready to simply 'give up'

You may however want to in the future, and you should be prepared for subtle or not "I told you so's" because some bugger will be insensitive enough to do just that (someone was very blunt about it when my aunt miscarried again and again)

Just because you want to keep trying doesn't mean that you are not grateful for the DD you already have.

I'm sorry for your losses, and I wish you all the best of luck for when you are ready to start trying again.

jellybeans Sat 29-Nov-14 19:01:32

YANBU at all. I lost 4, two were after 20 weeks. I was desperate to try again every time and was luckily blessed with 4 healthy pregnancies I needed help, heparin, cervical stitch etc and had life threatening births but I just HAD to try again, it was a deep need. Wishing you lots of luck.

Trooperslane Sat 29-Nov-14 19:05:40

confusedconfused
How could you be selfish?
Don't know what to say but you're a wee Trojan and I am lighting a candle for you now xxz

LumpenproletariatAndProud Sat 29-Nov-14 19:43:11

As long as you and DH can continue then blow what anyone else says.

hackmum Sat 29-Nov-14 19:44:09

Have the doctors told you what the chances are of carrying to term if you don't have the operation?

SlicedAndDiced Sat 29-Nov-14 20:33:38

Sorry very drunk at the moment.

Yes the consultant said he personally didn't think the operation would improve chances.

smile

Thanks we are willing to try again at the moment, though obviously I appreciate that others may be worried for us.

saintsandpoets Sat 29-Nov-14 20:42:39

If you both want to carry on, sod what anyone else thinks.

Lucyandpoppy Sat 29-Nov-14 21:51:01

Sorry for your losses ((((hugs)))))

If you google 'missy lanning' her youtube channel should come up (on phone so cant link) she does lots of youtube videos about her experiences with a uterus with a septum and her losses as a result of this and her recent surgery to remove the septum. About a year ago she had a heathy baby boy before her operation on her uterus.

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