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AIBU to tell them to bugger off?

(27 Posts)
startrek90 Sat 29-Nov-14 00:30:39

I am the first time mum of a 7 wk old DS. Next week he is due his first set of vaccinations. Fairly standard ones and I am agreeing to all of them.

I was skyping my friend (she is in the US) and was filling her in on my plans for the coming week and told her that I am getting DS vaccinated. Cue MASSIVE lecture about the dangers of vaccinations, MMR/Autism stff the usual. I just nodded and ignored.

Thing is other friends of the family have stuck their oar in as well. Went to a party with DS and was subjected to lecture after lecture. Honestly people were talking to me as if I were an idiot that had never thought it through!

I thought the lectures/telling you what to do/unwanted advice stopped after you had the baby. It really hurt my feelings. Its like everyone is convinced I am such a clueless idiot.

AIBU in telling folk to leave off for a bit? I don't mind advice when I have asked for it but to constantly second guess my parenting decisions is wearing thin.

Anyone with experience in dealing with well meaning but unwanted advice able to give a few pointers in how to deal?

Christina22xx Sat 29-Nov-14 00:35:39

Thats annoying when people tell you how to raise something. I remember my neighbour used to try to give me lectures about my cat and it made me fall out with her, she was such a creepy cat lady lol
But dont be rude just say i know how to raise my child or i know whats best for him or something along those lines.
Youre not wring being annoyed tho

scurryfunge Sat 29-Nov-14 00:37:06

Continue nodding, smiling and ignoring. If you feel the need to justify your position, just say that you have considered all options and that you are the parent and have made your decision.

KingJoffreysDodgyEars Sat 29-Nov-14 00:38:09

I can give you only one piece of parenting advice...

Ignore other people's parenting advice!! Seriously, do what feels right for you and your baby.

Opinions are like arseholes. Everybody has one and they usually stink.

Practice nodding vaguely in front of a mirror.

AgentZigzag Sat 29-Nov-14 00:41:18

Everyone you're talking to loves your beautiful DS so much that they're prepared to take the lecturing option in order to protect him from the nasty shitty world smile

Just carry on nodding/ignoring, they want the best for you/your DS and will STFU given time.

Loving the creepy cat lady, that would have been me if I'd not had my DDs to save me grin

puntasticusername Sat 29-Nov-14 00:46:16

I thought the lectures...stopped after you had the baby.

Ahahahaha. If only. As you've found out, they're only just beginning!

As others have said - nod, smile, ignore. And do what you think best for your children.

catsofa Sat 29-Nov-14 00:51:36

Good god, be as rude as you like! Tell them you've made up your mind so would rather not talk about it. If they keep it up then tell them you've told them once, they need to drop it now. If they still keep it up then tell them to fuck off until they can get their noses out of your business, and that you trust proper scientists over the weird random gurus they read about on the internet.

If only more people were ruder to people like this, they might get the message a bit quicker!

Hope you're ok, I'm sure you're doing a brilliant job and you are definitely right about the vaccines!

scurryfunge Sat 29-Nov-14 00:53:04

You could of course be thoroughly mischievious and say you have recently signed up to a course of trial vaccinations through UNESCO or some such organisation that may show your child is likely ( or unlikely, depending on gasp-o-meter required) to develop Ebola, addiction to Minecraft, reach key stage 4 in reading or embrace glittery sparkling kittens.

startrek90 Sat 29-Nov-14 01:16:53

not sparkly kittens! I already got flak for putting DS in the 'wrong colour' and allowing my 18 month DNephew to play with my SiL toy kitchen. Adding glittery sparkly anything with be the final straw I am sure

mimishimmi Sat 29-Nov-14 01:23:17

We do feel our DS had a bad reaction to his 18 month MMR shots ( he stopped talking within a week for a full six months and continues to have a severe speech disorder). His speech therapist is convinced he is on the ASD but we've had him tested several times for that and the educational psychologists did not agree. Still, I don't bring up our concerns that it may have been triggered by the shots unsolicited unless someone mentions they are concerned about the shot. It's possible that it was just a developmental coincidence. Even then, my advice is never to forgo the vaccinations but just to space them out by two weeks eg one week measles, then a fortnight later mumps, fortnight later rubella.

Calloh Sat 29-Nov-14 01:41:50

Second Pun, the endless advice never stops. I wouldn't know how to handle this, perhaps smile politely, say you disagree and ask them how the weather is where they are or what that think of some other ransom piece of news

SorchaN Sat 29-Nov-14 01:43:38

Practise in the mirror: "Thanks for the advice; I'll bear that in mind."
Then continue ignoring.
For what it's worth, I've kept a VERY close eye on the debate about MMR and ASD, and I'm satisfied that the MMR is safe. One of my kids has ASD and I'm certain it's nothing to do with the MMR.
But of course, in response to my comments, you're perfectly entitled to think/say, "Thanks for the advice; I'll bear that in mind," and then completely ignore it!

divegirl77 Sat 29-Nov-14 10:28:20

Im very happy to buy you the following

addictedtobass Sat 29-Nov-14 11:06:13

To be honest I just tend to say 'you can dress your opinion up as fact all you like, doesn't make it fact.' That's generally when I'm really annoyed with them though, does tend to shut them up smile.

People will always offer their 'advice' and often opinion as fact, just deal with each one each time because more will come around the corner.

bigjimsdiamondmine Sat 29-Nov-14 11:33:16

oh this used to drive me crackers, I found it hard to commit to vaccines for dd even though I'd looked into it and knew it was the right thing to do. People sticking their ore in trying to make you feel guilty makes an already difficult decision even harder angry I had a sanctomummy friend who had an opinion on my parenting, everything from not breastfeeding indeterminately to letting her have dairyconfused one day I just flipped and told her where to shove her opinions, don't speak anymore. be firm with them from the off that you call the shots else they'll keep giving their 'helpful' advice.

jerryfudd Sat 29-Nov-14 12:02:29

I read these threads and always come away thinking I either a) have lovely non-judgmental friends and family or b) I'm such a bitch that nobody dared question my parenting decisions because I was never questioned on how I fed the kids, what immunisations they had etc.

Smile and nod and do what you want

BlackeyedSusan Sat 29-Nov-14 12:14:39

my cousin was once being given advice after advice by the older generation after the funeral of one of her parents sad I think the advice from my mum was the best though... she said that she should take the advice and do what she liked!

in your case though finding a polite way to tell them to fuck off is a good way to go...

(aware that I am now giving advice and might well get told to fuck off!) fgrin

Shedwood Sat 29-Nov-14 12:29:50

You could always say:
"On behalf of all the people with Autism in the world, I would like to say I am disgusted that you would rather my child became vulnerable to killer diseases than turned out like them."

That should get them to back off.

catsofa Sat 29-Nov-14 15:27:59

^ Yes! The short answer is simply "Well, I'd rather he turned out autistic than dead." That's probably rude enough if you say it in the right tone of voice wink

IKnitYouKnot Sat 29-Nov-14 16:29:09

I used that very line when someone said that the MMR causes autism!

It's still never been proven, but even if it does, I'd far rather learn to cope with a child with autism, than one who died from a disease I could have prevented.

I weighed up the options for all 3 of mine individually when getting vaccinations.
And the one I was most conflicted about? The flu vaccine my DD had recently.
My DD gets poorly very easily for some reason, (at one point it was never ending between illness and teething) and has has some sort of reaction to all other vaccinations (nothing major, just a bit of a temp and a red injection site and a bit of grouchiness, nothing calpol didn't cure)
So I debated whether it was worth giving her a vaccine for flu, that she might not get, even though it could give her flu like symptoms. I decided it was and she had no reaction what-so-ever.

It doesn't matter how old your children are, some people always think they know better! non-parents are a fountain of knowledge don't you know

CatLady25 Sat 29-Nov-14 16:40:44

Erm hes your child they need to shut up

carabos Sat 29-Nov-14 16:52:12

When people are dressing opinion up as fact, it's often helpful to ask them what outcome they are seeking.

Downtheroadfirstonleft Sat 29-Nov-14 17:50:38

"You could always say:
"On behalf of all the people with Autism in the world, I would like to say I am disgusted that you would rather my child became vulnerable to killer diseases than turned out like them."

That should get them to back off."

What a SUPERB reply.

Ragwort Sat 29-Nov-14 17:57:01

I agree with jerry - I don't think any of my friends or family have ever commented on my parenting skills - the only rude comments I get are on Mumsnet grin.

Just learn to smile and nod, or pretend to agree and then change the subject, who cares really?

larryphilanddave Sat 29-Nov-14 18:51:12

Unfortunately it is one of those things you have to get hardened to. The earlier the better grin

If it's well-meaning I just nod and say thank you and move on. I don't want to offend when I know it comes from a place of love, but likewise I'm not going to change the way I parent. If it gets repeated then we just say thank you again and move to a different topic.

The only really harassing type approach we have experienced had been from complete strangers (only a few times though) and one particular relative. With the strangers, when they become pushy we move away or say enough is enough and ask to be left alone.

With the relative DH pretty much says the same thing: enough is enough and we are not discussing any further. I don't mean to leave it all up to DH, he is just a lot swifter at moving in!

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