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To not want this mother at DD's birthday party

(217 Posts)
Jomato Fri 28-Nov-14 22:36:30

When my DD was born i went along to a baby group at the suggestion of an acquaintance who had a baby at the same time as me. I had not intended to get a group of "mum" friends but gradually a group developed and we have spent quite a bit of time together over the last 3 years. The group is 12 children, some of whom spend more time together than others. It's always been quite relaxed with no major personality clashes.

One of the children was diagnosed about a year ago with some quite significant developmental needs. His father decided to take part in a sporting event in aid of a charity they are being supported by. The mother messaged us all as a group to let us know and ask us if we would like to sponsor him.

I did not respond directly as I had already made a decision that we are not in a financial position to be sponsoring at the moment. I didn't discuss this with her as I did not feel i should need to discuss my finances with her. However she is aware of our circumstances (i am the main wage earner, about to go on maternity leave, DH works for minimum wage on a 0 hours contract, in the middle of a house move etc etc).

Prior to the event she sent a reminder within a group message to all those who had not yet sponsored, this specifically named those who had not sponsored to the full group of 12. Following the event she sent an individual text message again asking for a donation. I was uncomfortable with this and did not respond as i really did not know how. She then sent a message every day for the four days prior to donations closing reminding me that I had not yet donated. Again I did not respond as I felt harassed and uncomfortable.

The day after she gave the cheque to the charity i had a long ranting message telling me that I was the only person in all their friends and family who had not donated and that this was very unsupportive. She told me that I would no longer be welcome at any events at her home and that my DD would not be welcome at her DS's birthday party (to which she had already been invited). I sent a text back trying to salvage the friendship but she had clearly already decided.

This obviously makes things quite awkward for me although a lot of the group are not currently aware. I told one of the group as when I received the text i was quite upset.

My DD is going to be sharing a birthday party with this friends DD and we had a discussion today about invitations. I had assumed that my friend would that I would feel very uncomfortable having this person, who does not even wish to make eye contact with me, at my DD's party. She had assumed that we would still invite child and parent and she is reluctant to get involved. I said that I am happy to send the mother a text explaining that this is my decision and my friend is simply honouring my wishes. She is going to think about this.

I understand her point of view (although I will admit to feeling a tiny bit put out that she has told me that she does not feel i did anything wrong but still expects me to tolerate this person so as not to rock the boat) but i really can't stand the thought of having this person there.

Sorry for the essay but would I be unreasonable to say to my friend that i really can't go ahead with the joint party if she insists we invite this child?

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Fri 28-Nov-14 22:41:43

God it all sounds so petty and suffocating! If I were you, I'd cancel the shared party and have my own.

If that's not possible suck it up or look a bit pathetic. It's not the woman's child's fault you fell out...OR the other party Mum's!

Pancakeflipper Fri 28-Nov-14 22:41:44

But if you do that isn't it your child who will be affected the most? Are they looking forward to their joint party (or doesn't your daughter know? If she's not aware of planned party then it's easier to change).

I can see why your friend doesn't want to get involved in something that's not about her at all.

I do understand you don't want the mother there - but would she go or would she send her child with another family member? She might not want to go when she's not talking to one of the hosts.

Unexpected Fri 28-Nov-14 22:42:41

Yes you would be very unreasonable. The disagreement is between you and this other mother. You cannot drag your friend into it as well. Your other friend was very unreasonable to harass you about donations but when she had sent her fourth (or fifth or sixth) reminder I would have politely told her that I was not in a position to donate. That was probably the time to communicate with her, not sending a message attempting to reconcile after she had sent a ranting email to you.

Oakmaiden Fri 28-Nov-14 22:44:07

Well, I guess you do have two choices - neither of them unreasonable.

You can insist that the child and parent are not invited. This will probably mean that you cannot have a joint party - and I do think it would be unfair of you to in any way try to guilt trip the co-host about this. She isn't involved, the other person is a friend of hers, she wants to invite them to her child's party. she should be allowed to. So you will probably need to have separate parties.

The other alternative is that you allow the friend to invite the other person - on the understanding that it is clear the invitation is from her and not you. If things are as you say then it is likely the other person won't want to come anyway.

WorraLiberty Fri 28-Nov-14 22:44:50

She sounds like a nightmare

But I don't think it's fair on your friend, her DD, your DD or the nightmare's child.

I'm sure you'll be busy enough on the day to be able to ignore this woman totally.

weresquirrel Fri 28-Nov-14 22:45:46

What kind of donation was she expecting? Could you not have donated a £5er?

OwlinaTree Fri 28-Nov-14 22:46:02

Sounds like sponsorship friend got a bit over invested in it. Did you text back or let her know when she was asking that you couldn't afford to sponsor him?

LadyLuck10 Fri 28-Nov-14 22:48:43

I just can't understand why you didn't send her one text right at the beginning simply saying you aren't in a position to donateconfused you simply ignoring her regarding an issue related to her child's health came across very rude. Now your friend and dd is dragged into this mess. Just suck it up for your dds sake as it's unfair to even think of canceling the party. Sometimes kids seem more mature than adults.

DoJo Fri 28-Nov-14 22:48:52

I think YABU - you effectively ignored her when she was asking for help (no need to have disclosed any financial details - you could have just wished her husband luck or offered to help some other way) and now you are expecting a third party to intuit that you still have sufficient bad feelings over the matter to want to get someone else's child involved by bringing your spat into their party.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Fri 28-Nov-14 22:48:52

Good lord! This all sounds overly dramatic!

Jomato Fri 28-Nov-14 22:49:51

No I didn't text back, i really didn't know how and to be honest it was the least of my worries at the time. In hindsight i recognise that I should have told her directly but I felt annoyed at being forced to discuss my finances with her. It's not a case of being able to afford £5, it was the amount of requests around the same time coinciding with house move which meant i just felt I needed to say no to everything.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 28-Nov-14 22:50:26

She sounds very hard work. You çoukd have messaged her saying yiu cannit afford to donate, or donate a very small amount. She should nit have been harassing you. Suck up tge party, be polite and civil, don't have a joint one next year.

AgentZigzag Fri 28-Nov-14 22:50:52

You'd just be taking out your frustrations out on the little girl by not inviting her, it's not her fault she's got a fucking nightmare difficult mother.

Have a heart, she's got to live with her! grin

The mum was freakily weird in harassing you for a charitable donation, it's not for her to say how you should spend your cash! The cheeky cow, but you can't drag in your (co-party) friend and the nightmare's daughter, it's not fair.

Brazen it out, if she doesn't make eye contact or says anything on the day then it reflects on her (if you can keep your cool and not rise to the bait).

saoirse31 Fri 28-Nov-14 22:51:02

sposnoring mother was clearly unreasonable but am wondering could u not have sponsored 5 or 10 pounds? given she's or she was friend?

re party yabu trying to drag other mother onto ur disagreement. tbh I think yabu re not wanting her child there. What does ur dd think? its about her not you.

RJnomore Fri 28-Nov-14 22:51:49

YAbu because the party is about the children, not any of the parents and you are dragging a grown up childish squabble into it.

And forcing someone else to take sides.

Purplepoodle Fri 28-Nov-14 22:53:09

If your having a shared party your friend can invite who she likes. Yabu to dictate who she can invite.

The ex friend shouldn't have harassed you for a donation but u could have stopped it in the beginning by replying to her original messages and not ignoring subsequent messages.

Chocovore Fri 28-Nov-14 22:55:20

But you didn't say no. You ignored her which she found hurtful. Can't you both just move on for the sake of the children?

SaucyJack Fri 28-Nov-14 22:55:44

Just to clarify..... it's the disabled/ill child that you want excluded from the party?

His mum might well have acted like a loony, but don't you think they've had enough crap to put up with without you joining in?

SnowSpot Fri 28-Nov-14 22:56:31

I don't really understand why you didn't simply say that you weren't in a position to donate at the time. Ignoring someone is pretty rude. I expect she would have accepted any answer at all apart from radio silence.

I also don't really understand why she felt she was entitled to harass you in that way.
But to drag a third party into this row about an occasion that is meant to be happy just descends it all into schoolyard pettiness.
Keep the party as it is, and if you see her then why don't you be the bigger person and say 'hi'. I expect your other friends have picked up on all this and it's probably very awkward for them.

Purplepoodle Fri 28-Nov-14 22:56:33

But you ignored ALL her messages and you were supposed to be a friend. I wouldn't dream of blanking a friend even if they were being ott

chickenmadcat Fri 28-Nov-14 22:56:35

I think that regardless of the fact that you didn't sponsor her husband, this woman was out of order to send such a ranty, harsh message to you. I'm guessing that she's a very pushy person who has a tantrum when someone doesn't respond with "How high?" when she tells them to jump? I don't think you're being petty at all to not want to have anything to do with her. I don't understand why some on this thread are referring to you as being childish. Surely no one on here could condone sending someone such a poisonous message??

I think though that as someone else has suggested you should just brazen it out on the party day. Be the bigger person. Be polite and civil but have as little to do with her as possible.

And then next year plan separate parties!

Jomato Fri 28-Nov-14 22:56:44

To clarify i didn't respond in the first place as it was a general request and I have always taken sponsorship requests as something you can choose to take up or not without having to justify anything to anyone.

I hate the tension and I would have had no problem with her raising it with me. If I have a problem with someone i try to resolve it, I've never been in the position of someone just deciding to completely cut me off.

manicinsomniac Fri 28-Nov-14 22:57:22

I think YWBU not to do the joint party and U not to invite the charity event woman as it would be awkward for your other friend who is an equal host.

I don't think YWBU not to donate but I do think you should have responded to the first message and offered some support in some other way. This is a friend whose child had being diagnosed with something serious - you should have helped in some way. Or at least wished them good luck and explained that you couldn't help. Ignoring must have felt like a slap in the face. And the repeated ignoring led to repeated hassling until it became a vicious cycle that ended up wrecking your friendship.

Only1scoop Fri 28-Nov-14 22:58:40

You should have nipped it in the bud either sponsered a small amount or told her you wouldn't be able to donate. Not just ignored her.

She was out of order to hound you though and dreadful to say your dc wouldn't be welcome at party. Awful.

However I'd either let your friend invite her and be the bigger person or just have your own party.

All sounds very groupy and irritating....

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