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to be pissed off with my parents?

(13 Posts)
NotTodaySatan Fri 28-Nov-14 16:18:33

I'll preface this by saying that my parents have a terrible marriage. I expect they (wrongly) stayed together because of us kids and also because of societal and family expectation in the rural Catholic Ireland they live in.

They don't communicate apart from to snap and sulk at each other. They don't eat any meals together. They sit in separate rooms every night, my mum watching soaps and my dad watching the news. I suspect they sleep in different beds. They do nothing but bitch and moan to us about each other on the phone but won't do anything about it. My mother is obsessed with money and I seriously think she is just waiting for my Dad to die so she can start a new life with his money (he's considerably older than her).

Anyway, my sister recently separated from her husband after he had an affair. He has acted like a total asshole and told my sister she drove him to it because she had no time for him (she works full time, has two kids and did everything in the house. He is a spoilt mummy's boy).

My sister has been devastated but has also started to thrive on her own. She says that looking back she wasn't happy and they didn't have the greatest marriage. She has admitted to feeling tentatively excited about the future. She also has incredibly high standards and can't see herself being able to get past this.

My parents are trying to influence her to take him back. They say it's better for the kids but is it? They are putting pressure on her to get everything back to normal and forget about it hmm . They feel sorry for him double hmm hmm.
AIBU to think they should keep their noses out? And that they should encourage my sister not to settle for being treated this way by her husband? I am aghast that they would want her to continue in an unhappy marriage when they have been living that life for decades.

I know it's ultimately none of my business either but my sister has been confiding in me a lot and I have tried to be as supportive as possible without describing the 5,000 ways I'd like to hurt her H. If she does decide to take him back I'll respect her decision.

Stupidly long post. wine wine for anyone who makes it to the end.

AMumInScotland Fri 28-Nov-14 16:30:28

YANBU to be pissed off at them, but they probably struggle with the thought that she will make a different decision from them and actually be happy, thus proving that their whole life has been built on a lie and their misery has been pointless. They (hopefully) won't actually be conscious that's the reason, but I suspect that will be what's behind it.

since your sister knows they are miserable, I doubt they'll convince her.

NotTodaySatan Fri 28-Nov-14 16:52:06

Maybe AMum. Thanks for the reply.

It's so thoroughly depressing. I can't imagine living like that. Zero intimacy or fun. DP is my best friend. We can have a ball doing even the most mundane things because we make each other laugh.

I have no intentions of saying anything to them. I just wish they could see that the end of a marriage is not the most catastrophic event imaginable and that it can sometimes be a blessing in disguise.

Hatespiders Fri 28-Nov-14 16:52:56

There's probably a lot in this to do with the Roman Catholic religion. Divorce just isn't acceptable to your parents and they'd prefer your sister to stay in a rotten marriage than to get out and make a far better life for herself.
Is your sis a Catholic?
You can only carry on doing what you're doing, supporting her and encouraging her to try for the best life she can. As AMum says, they probably won't convince her as their marriage sounds like a living hell.

MonstrousRatbag Fri 28-Nov-14 16:55:31

Yep. The pressure is all about validating their decision to stay together, by making your sister do the same. And I agree that they almost certainly aren't conscious that's why they think she should have him back.

MoreBeta Fri 28-Nov-14 16:56:35

If its any help I told my mother to divorce my father 18 months ago.

I don't speak to either of them now. I isolated myself from them.

You should tell your sister to do the same. Ignore them. They are toxic to you and her.

Quitelikely Fri 28-Nov-14 16:58:23

Noooooooo do not let her go back!

Your parents have the wrong line of thinking, though tbf back in the day it was the fine thing. Times have moved on now.

NotTodaySatan Fri 28-Nov-14 16:58:47

They're not practising Catholics Hate. My mum is pretty atheistic once she has a few gins.

I think it's more the generational 'done thing' to stay in an unhappy marriage rather than have Dolores in the credit union discussing your divorce hmm .

My sister is catholic in theory (church wedding, kids christened) but not religious. Her H is Spanish and they live in Spain. So she's getting the same pressure from his devout family hmm .

NotTodaySatan Fri 28-Nov-14 17:01:07

They're not toxic Beta.

They're good parents and grandparents. They just shouldn't be together.

I have told them separately numerous times to get a divorce but my Dad just goes quiet (he is very a very honourable man, if misguided) and as I said up thread my Mum thinks it's too late.

Jessica85 Fri 28-Nov-14 17:05:05

OP, if you parents stayed together because thought it was best for their children, it is possible they are trying to persuade her to take him back because they genuinely think it best for their DGC. They are wrong, however, and YANBU for being pissed off with them. Just keep supporting your sister, and don't worry about what they say - if she's happier without him I doubt she'll be persuaded to go back.

outtahell Fri 28-Nov-14 18:56:50

YANBU. I too come from a home where mum and dad hate each other's guts. I used to never want to get married or have children because I figured it would be like my parents' marriage and the kids would be miserable. I remember finding out what divorce was from a classmate when I was little and listening to mum and dad scream and WISHING they would divorce.

ApocalypseThen Fri 28-Nov-14 20:07:09

Well I guess it seems that staying together at any cost is the value they both agree on, so maybe they really would have been no better off apart.

jollyjester Fri 28-Nov-14 20:32:54

Your parents sound very much like my PIL. Can't stand each other but are together as its the done thing and then of course the catholic guilt thing. (Doesn't matter if you dont practice, you're always a Catholic! Good old dara O'brien)

YANBU to think they should leave your sister be and let her decide how she wants to go forward after being cheated on. Probably your parents will worry about the whispers 'oh did you hear about such and suches daughter - she's separated'

As long as your sister is coping ok your parents should mind their own business or be supportive of her.

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