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AIBU?? Now DH sharing the childcare

(11 Posts)
peppajay Thu 27-Nov-14 18:16:00

I have gone back to work so this means my DH is having to do a lot more of the childcare and he is finding it really really tough. My son has aspergers and I suspect my DH does as well - and he cant cope with his meltdowns - as long as everything goes to plan everything is fine. He now also has to take them to their swimming lessons after school and he is nearly at breaking point with the whole swimming pool routine. Since the kids were babies we have been going to a community breakfast at our local community centre, and the kids love it however DH detests it and as I am working I cant take them. It was a huge shock for the kids me going back to work as DH rarely did anything with them and it has been tough - but it is generally working now. However he wants to stop the activities they are involved with when he in charge as he says his life and sanity should come first. He hates anything social so when they are with him he can only cope with them at home. We have been doing this breakfast thing since they were babies and they are devastated not to go anymore. Swimming lessons isn't too bad because I should be able to change them to a different day and time when I could take them but it will be disruptive for them as they will have different teachers and they are both doing so well with their current teachers. It is hard for me to unsderstand because I just do these things without thinking about and to me it seems mean to put his own needs first!! AIBU expecting him to carry on doing these things with them or should he upset the children by putting his needs first??? In a nutshell life would be much smoother and stress free if I didn't work but unfortunately we cant afford for me not too!!

Bluestocking Thu 27-Nov-14 18:18:28

He should man the fuck up and put his children first.

Happyringo Thu 27-Nov-14 18:19:39

Hm...he is unreasonable for not wanting to do anything with them outside of the home, but on the other hand I don't think it's fair to expect him to just stick to your routine, he should be allowed to create a routine of his own. When I was a sahm I wouldn't have taken kindly to being told what to do, and now that DH is a sahd I wouldn't dream of imposing my routine on him!

ChunkyPickle Thu 27-Nov-14 18:21:52

How much socializing is there with swimming lessons? I used to occasionally nod 'hello' to the other parents waiting for their kids, but otherwise I'd just do the shopping on my phone or wander the halls with DS2..

I don't think it's reasonable for him to expect either the kids to drop all their activities, or for you to do them all.

Can he compromise? Drop the breakfast, but keep up the lessons?

26Point2Miles Thu 27-Nov-14 18:22:25

I think yab a bit u. devastated to not go to a breakfast club? really? how old are they?

If the DH has Asperger's then it's not as simple as "Man the fuck up". Social events can be extremely difficult, and something like breakfast at a community centre presumably with a bunch of people he doesn't know could be extremely hard for him. I have ASD/Asperger's, and something like that can trigger an almost panic attack like response.

I'd say you need to have a conversation with him and work out exactly what the issues are and whether things can be tweaked or are just not going to work. He also needs to consider the possibility that he will find it harder if the kids are cooped up in the house - DD drives me nuts if she hasn't had a chance to burn off some energy or do something constructive!

Bluestocking Thu 27-Nov-14 18:28:00

Did the OP say her DH was on the spectrum?

Bluestocking Thu 27-Nov-14 18:29:36

Oops, have now re-read. Yes, if he has Asperger's I can see that a social breakfast might be a really awful experience. It just seems very sad that the children don't get to have their social time any more, in addition to having had their DM go back to work.

HedgehogsDontBite Thu 27-Nov-14 18:30:03

I have AS so I understand where he's coming from. Toddler group is my own personal hell. When DD was little great-grandma used to take her for me. Now with DS there's only me so I endure it because he loves it. Although I confess I sometimes miss it when I'm feeling particularly anxious. So I think your DH needs to get into gear and get on with it.

aprilanne Thu 27-Nov-14 18:31:23

my hubby and my younger son have asperger,s .hubby diagnosed after son .my husband would just refuse point blank because he hates social situations .if you need to work then fine you need to but the children will just need to understand that dad can,t take them everywhere mum did .my hubby has refused to take part in birthday parties/ holidays all sorts over the years the kids get used to it .if the children old enough just explain and your son with the aspergers will probably not mind .but telling him TO MAN THE FUCK UP .is certainly not the answer

2minsofyourtime Thu 27-Nov-14 18:58:15

Yanbu, Whilst I understand your dh might not want to take them swimming, it can be a pita changing and waiting and entertaining the waiting do, there real isn't much in the way off needing to be social.

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