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To be absolutely fuming at DH for applying to University without telling me?

(69 Posts)
MultipleMama Thu 27-Nov-14 16:23:11

Found out yesterday that DH applied for University (start next Sept) to study his Masters in Finance (which is not the problem) months ago and didn't tell me (the problem). The course he has applied for includes studying a semester abroad ranging from Europe to China. Yet he could do the same course for slightly less credits and only have to spend a week abroad at a partnered company.

We young DC, one currently in NICU. So all this has blown up at the wrong time. I am absolutely livid that he has made these decisions without even consulting me and without even considering how him studying away for months will effect them!

He's lied on a few occasions on where he's been, and turns out he's been an hour away at a center taking exams for his application form. Also while our DS was critically ill in NICU, he told me work called and "begged" him to go in and sort out a situation even though he was/is on paternity leave, only for him to tell me yesterday that he was actually at a center taking his GMAT exam!

He slept on the sofa last night because I can't look at him without wanting to hit his inconsiderate ass. I don't want to talk to him. I'm so friggin' hurt that he couldn't bloody trust me to handle his news (he applied a few weeks before we found out problems at our 20 week scan) and felt he had to hide it until his conscience and guilt finally caught up with them!!

AIBU and overreacting or should I just accept it and deal with it how do I deal with it?

So bloody mad.

troyandabedintheafternoon Thu 27-Nov-14 16:26:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MimiSunshine Thu 27-Nov-14 16:35:10

You sit down with him and tell him all of the above, then ask:
- Why did he lie? No blaming of the problems discovered at 20 week scan as he did it before.
- How does he plan to tell his course that he cant do a semester away?
- Oh he thought it would be fine and that it would get worked out? How exactly, and what's his plan to ensure this?

If he cant answer the 3rd one to your satisfaction you tell him that if he goes ahead with it, you will take it as that's him leaving and he wont be welcomed back.

MultipleMama Thu 27-Nov-14 16:36:54

The lying is what hurts the most. We've never kept secrets; we've always been brutally honest with each other. I'd wish he told me when he sent off an email for an application although I understand him not telling me until he actually received the application form in the post but the lying that came afterwards... I know he's been withdrawing since DS was born and we haven't exactly been having in depth conversations but I am so bloody mad.

I'm not going to leave him, we love each other and this is just a situation to overcome. But right now I am so bloody mad, my MiL says I'm just overreacting, am I?

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Thu 27-Nov-14 16:38:09

He sounds like an utter tool. How on earth does he think it's fair that he makes all these decisions without talking to you?

Myearhurts Thu 27-Nov-14 16:38:39

I don't think it's acceptable to make such major life choices without consulting each other. I would be livid too, even without the semester abroad. I'm assuming this will effect you financially?

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Thu 27-Nov-14 16:39:13

You're not over reacting. I'd be sending him to MIL tbh.

Bowlersarm Thu 27-Nov-14 16:39:28

You aren't over reacting. That's one huge secret he chose to keep from you.

SunshineBossaNova Thu 27-Nov-14 16:41:38

You're absolutely not overreacting. I'm shock at his behaviour and the lying while your littlest DC is in NICU.

Does he have a history of prioritising his own wants over the needs of you and your DC?

I don't have any advice, but it might be worth asking for this to be moved to Relationships.

MultipleMama Thu 27-Nov-14 16:41:48

Mimi - Those are good questions. He keeps trying to talk to him but I've kept brushing him off because I just want to scream and cry at him. We're civil when the DC and my DBiL are around but my eldest and my DBiL know something is up. How do I sit down with him when I'm not sure I want to listen to what he has to say. Stupid bloody male.

EverythingsRunningAway Thu 27-Nov-14 16:41:51

You are not overreacting.

It doesn't sound like just one of those things you get over to me.

It sounds like deal breaking dishonesty and selfishness.

You can't trust him and nor can your children.

scatteroflight Thu 27-Nov-14 16:42:55

Bloody hell OP, this is quite mad. Does he have history of withholding info from you? What's his justification for lying? Are you financially ok with him out of action for that long and studying?

It seems like he's very disengaged from family life to do something like this.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Thu 27-Nov-14 16:42:58

He's not stupid. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Quitelikely Thu 27-Nov-14 16:44:34

You love him and this is not LTB? Well are you sure he feels the same way? Because his actions aren't those if a committed family man IMO.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Thu 27-Nov-14 16:46:12

I agree with Quite.

He was planning on ditching his job to do a Masters and fucking off for 12 weeks (a semester?)

That's not a man that is committed to his wife and family.

When you are part of a family you just don't make decisions like that without discussion! You don't decide that you're going to go to uni, doubtless affecting the family finances, without discussion. You absolutely don't decide you are going to spend a semester living abroad and leave your other half holding the fort with multiple children (assuming he's not taking you with him of course!) without discussion.

And you sure as hell don't apply for the course, lie multiple times, sneak off to do exams, and leave your wife looking after your sick baby in NICU whilst you go off to pursue the course you haven't even had the respect to discuss with her first

DixieTreats Thu 27-Nov-14 16:47:49

That's not on. Totally disrespectful.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Thu 27-Nov-14 16:47:59

And if he had to go to do exams and stuff he lied over and over.

how are you expected to support yourself and your children while he is off twatting around being a Financenob?

Purplepoodle Thu 27-Nov-14 16:48:30

Right he lied which is not on. But sounds like he made the application then u had bad 20wk scan news. I can see why he didn't tell u at the time but the lies about where he was are so hurtful.

You need to hear him out no matter how hurt you are. To discuss the options. Could he change to the other masters with the week away?

skylark2 Thu 27-Nov-14 16:51:12

I think he's dug himself a hole. He didn't make a big deal of it until he knew whether he was likely to be accepted...and then the problems with your DS blew up and suddenly there wasn't a good time to tell you at all.

My reaction would be based on whether he's said "look, I wish I'd told you at the time but I didn't, what do you think we should do about this, should I drop it or apply for the closer one instead?" or "bye love, I'm off to China for four months."

But yes, I think you are overreacting based on not being told that he'd sent off a form. Especially since he's still only in the application stage. I certainly would not feel the need to tell DH that I was considering applying to take a course, and I know he wouldn't tell me because he told me yesterday that he'd been accepted to do one! Okay, it is not on the scale of your DH's, but still, the point where I get a say isn't "shall I look into this?"

DC in ICU, though? You are allowed to overreact. I hope things are improving.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Thu 27-Nov-14 16:52:10

But Skylark, if it's a full time masters, there should surely have been a discussion about what the fuck they were going to live on whilst he did it?

AnnieLobeseder Thu 27-Nov-14 16:53:51

When I first read your thread title I thought you were being a bit unfair. I mean, applying doesn't necessarily mean going and perhaps he wanted to see if he was accepted before bringing it up.

But on reading your OP - he has actually lied to your face rather than just not mentioning it, and sneaked off while your baby was in NICU. Whatever the reason, lies like that would be an absolute deal-breaker for me. If you don't have trust and respect in a relationship, you don't have anything.

You do need to listen to what he has to say, though, I'm afraid. That doesn't mean you have to accept what he says. But hear him out. Then you can get on with killing him.

MultipleMama Thu 27-Nov-14 16:53:57

Myearshurt - No, it won't effect us financially. We knew he wanted to go back eventually, so he's been saving for years.

Sunshine - No history. We've been together just over 8 years and this is probably our first major argument. Never kicked him to the sofa before. He's a wonderful dad and husband. He always puts the DC first, always has time for them, and we don't prioritize over each other; we've always talked and discussed things that effect us or the DC. So this is completely out of blue and why I'm so shocked and mad.

Not really asking for advice, just that my anger and hurt is justified and that I'm not overreacting and that I shouldn't just "forgive him and get over it" like my dear MiL says.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp Thu 27-Nov-14 16:57:51

Wow. Not overreacting at all. What an idiot (your DH that is). I thought from the title this would be an application on the off-chance and then talking about it as an option once application was succesful - which on the face of it would seem fine - but expecting to spend a semester abroad when you have children together (unless he's suggesting you also have the equivalent amount of money to spend/time to yourself when he will be sole carer for the children and you can pursue your own things?) and the lying about his whereabouts when your child is in hospital - that's really shockingly appalling behaviour. If he's been taking exams etc, has he also be spending family money on this? Would you be able to spend similar amounts of money without his knowledge?

Very sorry to hear that your son is unwell. Your DH is beyond inappropriate IMO. This would be a potential dealbreaker if I was in your shoes. You definitely do not have to just accept it!

I'd be expecting him to deal with it btw, not you. He's the one that's got himself into this mess. Show true remorse for lying to his wife. Fix the situation by pulling out of the application (especially as it sounds like there's an alternative qualification that would fit in much better with family life?) . Start a deep, ongoing conversation about how he views you and your relationship together, parenting commitments etc because he sure isn't showing you respect as his equal at the moment.

It's completely understandable that you'd be too angry to discuss things right now, btw. Telling him that you will take some time away from him (if that is practical) before you discuss it would be completely acceptable I think.

Kitsmummy Thu 27-Nov-14 17:00:29

I would just never be able to move on from the fact that he lied about going into work to sit a fucking exam when your son was critically ill. Absolutely unforgivable.

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