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To challenge an aquaintance on bullying

(45 Posts)
atypicalwotsit Thu 27-Nov-14 06:04:40

To cut a long story short one of the NCT mums has a dd that goes to the same school as my dd. The girls are in year 1 and hang around in a little group of six girls. We often have play dates. There is some in fighting but generally they get along.

A new girl has started the class and she has been labelled a bully by a couple of the mums in the group, one of the mums being by nct friend. The new girl has pushed and kicked several of the kids, including my dd. When my dd has told me this she says it in a matter of fact way. I tell her this behaviour is wrong but also try to see if my dd provoked her.

At a recent halloween party I saw my dd and this girl playing roughly but enjoying themselves. There wasn't any worrying behaviour. I also noted when the new girl tried to play with other girls they ostracised her, 'you are naughty! You can't play with us,' and she lashed out at them.

Now the nct mum I am close to, a lovely lady, is complaining to the teacher about new girl bullying her child. New girl has been uninvited to a party. There are lots of gossip between the mums about there being problems at new girls home as the reason for her bad behaviour. We don't know this, its just guesses.

To be honest I feel sick of it. Yes the new girl does hit and push and I am concerned but I don't think our dds are blameless. I think our dds are being provocative mean girls at times and prissy. I mentioned this and got a few retorts, like if my own dd was being bullied more like nct mum's dd I would be kicking up a fuss.

To be honest one of the other mums complaining about new girl has a ds who is a bully but no one says anything to her and she's made the most complaints.

Sorry for rant but it kept me awake last night.

So the questions are:
Am I minimising new girls behaving and defending her over my dd and her friends?
Should I be more supportive to nct mum who I've been friends with for ages?
What should I do? Butt out or challenge this?


JapaneseMargaret Thu 27-Nov-14 06:37:37

You can't uninvited a child to a party, you just can't. That is unbelievably childish and cruel.

You sound remarkably objective and clear-eyed about this.

The other mothers are the bullies.

confusedandemployed Thu 27-Nov-14 06:42:47

I thinl you sound like you've observed the girls carefully and that they seem to be handling it themselves, as far as they can.

I think you sound measured and fair. Agree that you can't uninvite someone. That would be awful.

ArsenicSoup Thu 27-Nov-14 06:43:06

Your position sounds grown-up and reasonable, in contrast with theirs.

Has the suspicion/rumour of problems in the girl's home not increased compassion for her at all?

TicTicBOOM Thu 27-Nov-14 07:02:24

I think the fact they're discussing whether they think this girl may have issues at home, and are still making complaints and being snipey and gossipey, says everything. Of course they shouldn't put up with their children being bullied, but to gossip about it is just awful imo.

A discreet word with the teacher/headteacher, the girl's mother, fine - gossiping on the playground, and obviously doing so in front of their children (hence their bullying back 'you're not allowed play with us, you're naughty') - not fine.

atypicalwotsit Thu 27-Nov-14 07:07:12

arsenic its only rumour, like, 'well she must get that behaviour from her parents.'

The sad thing is I feel deeply uncomfortable whenever when I'm around these mums, like being back at school myself.

JapaneseMargaret Thu 27-Nov-14 07:10:01

Yes, I cannot believe that someone would speculate that there might be problems at home as a reason for questionable behaviour, and then continue cut the child out of the loop.

TicTicBOOM Thu 27-Nov-14 07:13:25

You need to speak up or distance yourself.

Has anyone even spoken to the girl's mother?

ArsenicSoup Thu 27-Nov-14 07:16:21

I see. They sound dreadful. I'm not honestly sure what I'd do in your shoes. I suppose you will have to say something, but will they listen?

atypicalwotsit Thu 27-Nov-14 07:26:06

I have spoken to new girl's mum. She's at her wits end and rather upset.

YouTheCat Thu 27-Nov-14 07:38:17

Bullying is not just a bit of pushing and shoving. At 5/6 a lot of children have trouble expressing their frustration and I'd imagine the girl has plenty of that given that she's being excluded from games.

I know who I'd be calling out for bullying and it isn't the girl doing the shoving.

Could you have a chat with the teacher? Maybe suggest some circle time about being kind/inclusive. They need to help that little girl find some strategies too.

2minsofyourtime Thu 27-Nov-14 07:42:05

You nct friends sounds a bit like a bully herself! I wonder what she is saying at home to her dd about how she's not allowed to play with the new girl

lem73 Thu 27-Nov-14 07:42:16

You sound like a fair and decent person while the rest of the group sound cliquey and mean. I feel so sorry for this poor girl who got uninvited to a party. How horrible. I'm not sure I'd want my child to be close to a group of girls like that, nor would I want to be to close to the mums. I'd discreetly make a bit of effort with the mum and the girl. Perhaps you could invite them round for tea or go to a soft play area?

Aeroflotgirl Thu 27-Nov-14 08:00:06

Tbh your NCT friends sound cliquy and gossipy, have really labelled thus poor girl and her family. If you are concerned how she is treated at school, please tell the teacher. It sounds as though kids are bullying her, and labelling her as a bully when she reacts.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 27-Nov-14 08:01:50

Yes you sound lovely, Mabey invite girl round and her mum. I would not want to be friends with parents who can u invite a young child, and be so mean. They are not as lovely as you think!

Aeroflotgirl Thu 27-Nov-14 08:28:20

I wonder if they invited tge girl to the party, so they could uninvite her.

atypicalwotsit Thu 27-Nov-14 08:31:07

I am making a play date with mum and another friend. I know its silly but I don't want to be drawn into this as I feel then I might start behaving badly too. It is very cliquey (sp) but feel like I'm part of the clique as dd is friends with cliques' dd! Its a very parochial area!

Aeroflotgirl Thu 27-Nov-14 08:31:42

No op go to the teacher and inform her/him about your concerns, distance yourself from those mean nasty school girl NCT mums. They sound horrid. I bet when they talk about tgat girl and her family near their children at home, their kids can hear and repeat what mum has said. Poor girl sad

Aeroflotgirl Thu 27-Nov-14 08:33:41

That's good, please be tge adult in all this. You can see that they are acting wrong, please don't you or your children support this! I they are your friends, but you have now seen another more unpleasant side to them and that would be a dealbreaker!

LovleyRitaMeterMaid Thu 27-Nov-14 08:41:19

Yes, be the grown up. The others sound awful.

RubMyLamp Thu 27-Nov-14 09:12:37

Oh ffs... What absolute bitches they are. If the kid is having problems at home she needs compassion. What an absolute vile thing to do, to assume someones homelife is bad and slate someones parenting when they have no fucking idea whats going on.

I'd be giving them short shrift and befriending the other Mum so she knows not everyone there behaves like they're in Mean Girls.

atypicalwotsit Thu 27-Nov-14 09:24:24

Thanks guys for advice. I think what really gets my goat is that their dds have been hauled up on behavioural issues and they wanted sympathy then. Now there seems to be a scape goat, a distraction. I would hate it if my dd started lashing out and everyone thought she came from an abusive home. The two are not always linked.

Selinasupreme Thu 27-Nov-14 09:26:18

Adults should NEVER gossip about a child, the fact that you are going against the grain and thinking about this with a clear head and being reasonable makes you a good person.

When I was at school, a girls mum didn't like me Because she said I smelled like fags (my parents smoked) she invited every child in the year group (60 kids) except me to her daughters party. My mom took me to toys R Us and got me the most expensive barbie and said we are going to the party anyway, I arrived and gave the gift to my friend and started playing in the soft play with my friends, when they called the kids to have lunch her mom said I couldn't come in so I went home after about 20 mins and didn't know why or what I had done. It still upsets me now. I know that sounds silly but I bloody hate that woman.

atypicalwotsit Thu 27-Nov-14 09:45:58

selina it doesn't sound silly. It sounds like an awful situation.

I look back at my childhood. At times I was excluded, at times I bullied others as I wanted to fit in. I don't want dd to be bullied or be a bully. That kind of shit haunts you for the rest of your life.

I think I'm more concerned as there were talks of 'sorting the new kids family out!' As that's the only way they will learn. Its all posturing but its getting to be thug mentality. I preferred it when the conversations were about the weather. smile

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Thu 27-Nov-14 09:50:51

I think the other mums are being very clique and what they're doing is bullying
To un invite a child to a party that is beyond cruel.

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