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AIBU to set a honey trap?

(21 Posts)
lihi Wed 26-Nov-14 23:50:06

I have just been browsing on DPs phone for photos to print off for Christmas.
Nothing underhand, I wasn't snooping, he knew I was doing it.
I found a picture of what I can only describe as a male model. I then see this photo is being used as a profile picture on a messaging app.
OK, so by this point I will admit I started snooping. He is using this app to chat to other women, as far as I can see they are not anybody he or I know. Also, if he was using this app to chat to genuine friends he wouldn't be using a false profile picture, would he?
So, I guess I know he is up to no good, but WIBU for me to set up a false account on this app and engage with him to see what he is really up to? Not sure I want to know how far he will go, but I want to have rock solid proof when I confront him.
Or shall I just LTB now?

HedgehogAtHome Wed 26-Nov-14 23:54:08

I'd LTB now.

What would you gain by doing this? Do you have a point of no return? i.e. if he's doing X but not Y would you be willing to try and salvage the relationship? If not, it may be best to walk away now.

VanitasVanitatum Wed 26-Nov-14 23:57:13

Can you not see the msgs he has written already? Sounds pretty dodgy, using a male model photo doesn't sound like he's chatting about the football..

littleleftie Wed 26-Nov-14 23:58:56

I never understand this stuff about "getting absolute proof." It sounds like a delaying tactic really.

Proof of what? You can see what he is doing. Is it a deal breaker or not?

JeffreyGartnerEatsWell Thu 27-Nov-14 00:01:41

I agree, proof is a red herring.
Do you feel loved, valued, respected?

Christina22xx Thu 27-Nov-14 00:22:30

firstly you need to ask yourself if he is talking to other women what EXACTLY will you do? will you leave? or stay and just cry over it?
if youre not going to leave him its pointless.
i personally wouldnt allow a cheat but some do so ask yourself what youre hoping to get from setting up a honey trap?
if youre just going to take him back after several sorrys dont bother stress yourself.
then again he isnt really cheating he is seeking attention right now cause hes using a fake photo.
he still hasnt crossed the line yet

nocoolnamesleft Thu 27-Nov-14 00:35:44

Depends on where you actually draw the line, and I think that can vary quite a bit. Certainly crossed a line....

ilovesooty Thu 27-Nov-14 00:53:34

He was happy for you to use his phone knowing you'd find that on it? He must know you've seen it surely?

BestZebbie Thu 27-Nov-14 13:11:12

If you have read the chat he has already had, you know what sort of things he is saying - maybe just set up a profile, make contact, and then call him out in a message revealing who you are and that you saw all the other messages?

Quitelikely Thu 27-Nov-14 13:14:52

Yes set the trap. Join and message him. See how far he is prepared to go.

And to other pp who say why does she need confirmation, well because he will wriggle out of it somehow.

Do it OP.

ovaltine Thu 27-Nov-14 13:34:45

Been here, set a trap, was quite shocked by the convo that followed between him and fake girl (me). We split up. I didn't take kindly to him having a profile on a sex search website then telling me it had been deleted month earlier when in fact he'd been trying to meet the fake girl for sex!! Was worth it to see his face when realised he was caught out

avocadotoast Thu 27-Nov-14 13:55:30

You already know he's been on this site, you know he's set up a profile to message people. Surely that's proof enough to confront him with? I don't see how dragging it out and setting a trap will make you feel any better.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 27-Nov-14 14:11:48

I never understand this stuff about "getting absolute proof." It sounds like a delaying tactic really

I do. I've been there. Sure DH having an affair. No proof. He denies it. You carry on in the hope you are wrong as you just don't have the proof.
Then you get the proof and you can end things 'absolutely' knowing the truth.
It's very hard to give up on years and years with your partner without having the proof. It may be just chat, in which case this might not be a deal breaker for OP. He might be meeting people but she will never know unless she sets it up.

OP, I say go for it. Set it up, see how far he is willing to take things.
Don't bottle it. Keep it up and arrange a meet and then turn up and shock the hell out of him.

DoJo Thu 27-Nov-14 14:33:44

I never understand this stuff about "getting absolute proof."

Really? You can't understand why someone would want to be sure of what their partner is doing before ending a relationship?

You don't think it might be important to understand whether someone is getting an ego boost from flirty messages online or planning sexual encounters with strangers behind their partner's back? Or that some people may have different points at which they would leave a relationship and want to know whether that point has been reached? That sounds odder than wanting proof to me.

cricketpitch Thu 27-Nov-14 15:00:33

I would want to know for sure. If I hadn't suspected and the relationship is fine then I might let "chatting" go - but nothing more.

PurpleSwift Thu 27-Nov-14 15:36:45

It probably isn't sensible but it's what I would do. I wouldn't be able to stand the whole "you've got the wrong idea/it's not what it looks like" lies that could be thrown at
Me. They'd go round and round in my head so I'd want to make sure it is exactly what it looks like.

mummymeister Thu 27-Nov-14 15:40:49

say you pose as one of these women OP. he starts a conversation with you, he asks you on a date sextexts or whatever. when you confront him do you know what he is going to say?? " ahh I knew it was you all along and was just playing along with it" you will be no more further forward in being certain than you are now. Its a deal breaker for me. if he wants to look elsewhere for fun then he can go elsewhere. relationships are all about trust. once its gone, its gone.

milkpudding Thu 27-Nov-14 17:51:28

I would want more information.
Ideally to see his existing messages.
Can you read them? If you don't know password you can click 'forgotten password' and have a new one sent to bis email inbox, then access this via his phone
I did this with an ex, and all the messages were from long before we met
Although later he did cheat on me, I guess my instincts had Bern correct after all
If you can't see his messages you could try honey trap, but if he doesn't respond, what does that mean- that he is innocent, or that he doesn't fancy the model pic you use/ realises it is fake/ is busy with other women on the site?

sherapower Thu 27-Nov-14 18:05:29

I am not sure snout a honey trap as such but in all honesty I'd have to do something. I hope you get to the bottom of it flowers

hamptoncourt Thu 27-Nov-14 19:00:00

I am very surprised do many posters think OP should set a honey trap.It's not exactly the classy option is it?

I wouldn't bother. The fact he was sending those messages would be enough of a deal breaker for me. We all differ but leftie asked if it was a deal breaker or not. If it isn't a deal breaker for OP then good luck to her.

I found letters between my XH and another woman. They didn't prove adultery but I just knew (and I was right)

I didn't bother confronting him with it or digging out loads of "evidence" what would the point of that be? I would have found that degrading tbh.

The relationship was over, clearly, so I left and filed for divorce. I just told him I didn't love him any more. I can assure you this was far more devastating to his enormous ego than any amount of "evidence" I could have thrown at him.

DoJo Thu 27-Nov-14 21:26:53

IMO, it's not really about being 'classy' it's about knowing whether the line has been crossed or not. If the OP wants to salvage her relationship, then worrying about how she 'looks' over working out what has actually happened would seem to be skewed priorities.
I would rather know for sure than risk throwing away a marriage on a situation which might not have meant the end. We all have a different line - your ex obviously crossed yours with the letters you found but it sounds like the things that the OP has found don't mean that her husband is over that line yet, so it makes sense to establish whether that it because it hasn't been crossed, or because he hasn't (yet) been caught.

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