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By refusing to be flexible over X's visitation with the DC?

(72 Posts)
TrappedInThePast01 Wed 26-Nov-14 17:12:32

I really don't know if IABU or not here so I could really do with some other perspectives.

Long story short: I split up with H a little over a year ago. We agreed that he would have the DC twice a week for tea (in reality this is just an hour and I give them their meals) and EOW. I find him very difficult to deal with and every time he contacts me or sees me, will pass comment on the way I parent our DCs and the way I live my life. He is highly critical and hypocritical.

I basically do everything for the DCs. I do all school runs, activities, play dates (which have to fit around his visitations), wash, clean, cook etc. I pack their clothes for his visits and he returns them dirty for me to wash. He insists on me doing half the drop offs/pick ups for his visitations despite the fact that he has an all expenses paid company car and earns a lot more than me.

Despite all this, I don't mind doing it all until he whines about how unfair he has it (hmm) and when he is being downright nasty to me and the DC.

So to the problem: I've been trying to get DC1 into an activity for the last two years. A space has become available but it happens to fall on one of his weekday visitations.

He is basically demanding I swap days so she can still go or that I don't send her at all. He is insisting that I be the bearer of this news but has actually already told DC1 this. She really wants to do the activity and is naturally upset at what her DF has said and is putting pressure on me to swap days.

However, I really don't want to. I have a routine already set up where I do things for the hour he has them and it will disrupt this for me. Also, I kind of feel like he should just suck it up because I take them to all their activities on 'my' days and actually get relatively little quality time with them after doing everything else (washing, cooking etc). Additionally, I don't want to bow to his demands because he makes them all the time (control issues) and he's so nasty, I don't think he deserves it.

Having said that, AIBU to not go along with his request? WWYD?

angelohsodelight Wed 26-Nov-14 17:19:26

Tell him to fuck off!

loveareadingthanks Wed 26-Nov-14 17:24:29

Wait a minute. So he sees her twice a week and there's a new activity which clashes with one of his days.

I don't think he is at all unreasonable in wanting to see her another day instead. And your daughter should still be able to see him twice a week - it's not her fault that the activity clashes. You essentially wanted to cut down his access by 50%? Perhaps he feels the only way to pressure (yes) you into keeping up 2 days is to make the threat to not see her at all. I'd pull any stunt I had to if someone were cutting my access visits with child by that much.

He is being an arse in lots of ways, yes, but your daughter is the one who will suffer. You are being asked to be flexible about days to visit. He is being asked to accept a drastic cut in access.

cestlavielife Wed 26-Nov-14 17:24:57

tell dc that it is on dad's day and she needs to have it out with dad.
up to her and dad.

if he wont he wont.

tell her you take her to xxx activity on your day so it is down to him. sorry and all that but fair is fair.

googoodolly Wed 26-Nov-14 17:27:36

I think he's well within his rights to demand another day. I know you take them to activities too, but you also see them before and after school, for bedtimes etc, and realistically get a lot more time with him than he does.

Tell her she needs to ask her dad, and if he says no, then it's tough, really. It's his access time and upto him what he does with the DC.

26Point2Miles Wed 26-Nov-14 17:30:18

whats the activity? what activity will be more important in her formative years than forging a relationship with a parent

TrappedInThePast01 Wed 26-Nov-14 17:34:34

Sorry, just up clarify - he's saying I either swaps days or she can't go to the activity, not that he won't see her on that day.

I see the DC more because I work part-time for part time wages. All childcare falls to me, including paying for he. It's not something he has to even think about.

Also, it's not cutting his access by 50% because he has them eow Friday to Sunday. I should have mentioned that one of the weekday visitations is over night on alternate weeks so he would still see her after.

Thank you for the responses so far.

crumblebumblebee Wed 26-Nov-14 17:35:02

YABU, you've complained about him not seeing them, which is fair enough, but now you're complaining that he is asking to see them. confused

How old are the DC? Old enough to give their views impartially?

TrappedInThePast01 Wed 26-Nov-14 17:38:05

I haven't complained about him seeing them?

To be honest, the weekday visits are a total pain in the arse for me to facilitate but I do it anyway. I believe it's standard for eow and one evening a week so he already gets more with the DC than a court would award.

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 26-Nov-14 17:38:42

I would refuse to provide any required items or meals during contact time -that is his responsibility.

I would swop his day so she can still attend the activity without missing out on contact and I would also refuse to do any contact related travel.

You are not helping him to parent by doing it for him

TrappedInThePast01 Wed 26-Nov-14 17:39:13

DC concerned is 6. She wants to do the activity. She doesn't always like going to her DF's but even at the age she is, understands that her DF is an unreasonable man.

needaholidaynow Wed 26-Nov-14 17:44:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess Wed 26-Nov-14 17:45:40

I think you need to seperate out the issues.

I would stop doing 50% of the travel for starters and stop packing their bags... he needs to provide things for them and wash them etc.

TrappedInThePast01 Wed 26-Nov-14 17:46:19

He won't have to take her to it. It starts before he arrives to collect her. He will still have DC2 on this day. He is essentially missing out on 1 hour of contact a week with DC1.

TrappedInThePast01 Wed 26-Nov-14 17:48:21

He will not allow me to stop doing half the travelling. He will also not provide their clothes - that's what my maintenance is for apparently.

Monathevampire1 Wed 26-Nov-14 17:52:21

What does DC1 want to do and what is the activity?

HonestLie Wed 26-Nov-14 17:52:51

Personally I'd tell him to fuck off and allow you're child to go to the activity providing that was what she wanted.

TrappedInThePast01 Wed 26-Nov-14 17:54:18

The activity is Rainbows. She's been wanting to go for a long time and I've had her on the waiting list since she was 4. X knew about this as I did it when we were still together.

Waitingonasunnyday Wed 26-Nov-14 17:54:20

I would 'give' him an hour extra another day. Or two hours added on to weekend or something.

I would stand up to him about the other nonsense but I wouldn't let DC miss their activity or their time with their dad.

It's worth remembering the more time they spend with him the quicker they realise he is an arse and adjust their expectations accordingly wink

Waitingonasunnyday Wed 26-Nov-14 17:55:00

Rainbows is ace. Definitely make sure she gets to go smile

HonestLie Wed 26-Nov-14 17:56:22

Totally of topic but are waiting lists really that long? Think I'll enquire iny area now!

PurpleSwift Wed 26-Nov-14 17:56:46

Yabu about the day swapping. He sees them so little as it is, so yes I would swap. The rest he is bu about though, you need to put down some rules.

TrappedInThePast01 Wed 26-Nov-14 17:58:26

Waiting, that seems like a reasonable compromise. The problem is, he is more concerned with frequency than quantity. The other thing that has annoyed me is that he is being specific in which day he wants to swap for without checking that this is ok for me. It just feels like my entire life is run around my DCs but also his demands. He just doesn't appreciate what it takes to look after 2 small DC.

HonestLie Wed 26-Nov-14 17:59:01

More con

TrappedInThePast01 Wed 26-Nov-14 18:00:23

Honest, I put her name down in good time but they changed their system at some point and her details were lost. It's taken another year to get her a place. It's very popular in our area.

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