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AIBU and a party pooper to "ruin" a surprise party?

(92 Posts)
notenoughwine Wed 26-Nov-14 14:32:27

I think I may already know the answer to this, and I may come off like a humourless prude but here goes...

My mum, my aunt and a few of their friends are throwing a surprise party for their friend who is turning 60 on Friday. They've know her their whole lives, and she was like an aunt to me when I was growing up.

I've known about and been invited to the party for weeks now but last night I was very surprised to find out that it was going to be an Ann summers night and that they had booked a male stripper. I'm definitely not a prude and I've seen male strippers before, but I really don't think that this is the kind of party she would want. She's never been married and as long as I've been alive she's never had any boyfriend that I know of. She is very quiet and shy, a really lovely woman.

When I raised these concerns to my mum and aunt they kind of laughed it off and told me I was being silly. They obviously know her better than me but I just don't think that this is want she would want. Also given the fact that the strippers I've seen in the past tend to pick on the birthday girl or the hen I'm kind of worried about how she would react to that.

I'm a bit conflicted, do I tell her about it and ruin the surprise (and maybe the party)? Do I gently try to feel her out to see what her feelings are? Do I let it go ahead as planned and maybe gave a word with the guy not to embarrass her?

Please help.

sonjadog Wed 26-Nov-14 14:35:46

I think you should accept that they know their friend better than you and let them plan the party they think she would like.

NeedABumChangeNotANameChange Wed 26-Nov-14 14:43:07

They probably know a slightly different side to her than you do being they have a friendship relationship and you had a adult/child one

CatsCantTwerk Wed 26-Nov-14 14:47:05


CatsCantTwerk Wed 26-Nov-14 14:48:07

blush Sorry I didn't mean to shout blush

ShakeYourTailFeathers Wed 26-Nov-14 14:50:26

yes I'd let them get on with it too and take wine

itiswhatitiswhatitis Wed 26-Nov-14 14:54:01

Tbh unless you know for absolute certain would hate this then I think you should leave it alone. Telling her is a lose/lose situation. Either it's something she would like and you have spoilt the surprised and pissed off your mum or you put her in an awkward position and make her feel she has to put a stop to it and feel bad about doing that or go along with it so as not to hurt your mum's feelings.

They know her as a friend you know her as an auntie type figure so it's natural you would imagine her liking this.

itiswhatitiswhatitis Wed 26-Nov-14 14:54:31

Wouldn't not would

HatieKokpins Wed 26-Nov-14 15:04:24

You've mentioned your concerns to your mum and your aunt, now LEAVE WELL ALONE.

GooseRoasties Wed 26-Nov-14 15:09:44

People can hide what they want to hide from people...

I was very close to my gran for all of my life.. I didn't have out until a couple of years ago how 'naughty' her sense of humour was, how she really loved her drinks and the real stuff she'd get up to.

If you grew up with her, she's hardly going to go around showing off her 'naughty' side if she knew you from a child unlike your mum and aunt

AMumInScotland Wed 26-Nov-14 15:18:54

You raised your concerns, and people who have known her far longer than you laughed them off. It would be incredibly interfering and arrogant to speak to the 'birthday girl' or the organiser, or even hint about the party, since you know it is a surprise.

SaucyJack Wed 26-Nov-14 15:24:04

For all you know she's spent the previous six months saying to your mum that she's frightened she'll die without ever having seen a big dick up close ;-)

TheAlias Wed 26-Nov-14 15:25:13

If she's as you describe, unless they really know a different side to her than you do, then this must be a joke on you surely and they've arranged a perfectly normal party grin

notenoughwine Wed 26-Nov-14 15:39:40

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm feeling slightly better about the whole thing now.

TailFeathers Yes, the wine will be flowing in sure.

GooseRoasties Thats just the thing she doesn't seem to have a "naughty" side. My mum and aunt have no problem letting me know about their naughty side, but she always goes quiet if anything like that comes up.

SaucyJack LOL She's got the Internet, she can see the biggest dicks imagineable any time she wants.

TheAlias Believe me that thought crossed my mind but it's definitely not that, they are 100% serious.

FollowTheStarship Wed 26-Nov-14 15:44:29

Also, it's not really your problem. This isn't your DC or someone you have a responsibility for. She's their friend, their decision what they do. Why are you so worried?

FollowTheStarship Wed 26-Nov-14 15:45:41

I have to admit I would be embarrassed to be at a party with a stripper, because I hate that kind of thing - do you think it's your own embarrassment you're worried about OP? I don't mean in a prudish way, just that it might be awkward.

notenoughwine Wed 26-Nov-14 15:59:15

Hi FollowTheStarship I was a bit worried about what she would think of it due to her personality. I'd be worried for anyone I knew who was so reserved having something like this sprung on them. But the response make me think i'm probably over thinking this whole thing way too much.

It's honestly not my embarrassment, I'm not a prude I swear, I've seen it all before at hen nights and the odd birthday bash.

TheAlias Wed 26-Nov-14 16:23:59

Personally, i think surprises are often more about the giver than the receiver. The best bit about most treats is the looking forward to it. If you plan a surprise you get all the excitement but the receiver is deprived of it. So, on that basis i suppose it is possible they've planned the party they'd want rather than one she'd like. Still nothing you should do though

Blueteas Wed 26-Nov-14 16:52:43

I've spoiled a surprise party thrown for my DH, both because I knew he would absolutely hate it, and also because his family assumed I would be happy to spend ages organising the details, persuading him to leave work early, and coming up with some excuse to lure him to the venue (because they live in our home country). So I told him, and he faked (very badly) surprise.

This party sounds absolutely gruesome - there's something so depressing and juvenile about an approach to sex that sees it as a 'naughty' matter of nylon French maid outfits, oiled-up strippagrams and furry handcuffs - but as others have said, you have to presume your relatives know this woman better than you do, and that they wouldn't plan something she would hate...?

Having said that, I think it sounds more than likely to be an absolute car crash, with the friend shocked and humiliated but trying to bear up because her friends have organised it with the best intentions, with the stripper gyrating and everyone else shrieking, tipsy and taking photographs.

A friend of mine worked briefly as a strippagram aeons ago, and said the worst part was having to keep doing what he'd been paid for in front of someone who obviously wanted to die. Once the woman whose birthday it was just got up and ran crying out of the room, and he felt awful.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Wed 26-Nov-14 17:16:52

Do you know what I'd tell her. I'm reserved and this is my worst nightmare. I think you'd be doing everyone a favour and the plans could be changed so your mum's friend enjoys it more.

notenoughwine Wed 26-Nov-14 17:50:59

Hi Ghoul I was worried it may be a nightmare for her because of her reserved personality. How would you react to something like that?

I just don't want her to be humiliated or freak out about it.

TimeForAnotherNameChange Wed 26-Nov-14 18:11:45

I agree with Bluetoes and Ghoul, it sounds awful, and I would be so angry if 'friends', who are supposed to know me well, and care for me and even love me, did this to me. I think you probably should tell her, I would feel utterly embarassed and humiliated to be honest, and it would probably mean the beginning of the end of a friendship for me. I know it sounds melodramatic, but I just can't imagine true friends ever doing that, iyswim?

Hatespiders Wed 26-Nov-14 18:43:46

Well I'd be bursting into tears and running out if such a fiasco were to be planned for my birthday! I can't understand how her 'friends' could think that she'd enjoy an Ann Summers party with a stripper. However I'm inclined to agree with those on here who advise you to stay out of it and to keep the secret. Even if you told her, what could she do if it's already booked and paid for? They sound like ghastly friends tbh.

nooka Wed 26-Nov-14 18:53:24

I would walk out if that happened to me. It sounds absolutely grim. I think surprise parties are very risky, fun for the organisers no doubt but not necessarily for the recipient. Especially if they are naturally quite reserved and may hate to be caught on the hop/ shoved into the limelight.

SophiaPetrillo Wed 26-Nov-14 18:54:42

It would be my idea of hell, and I've been married for a million years and had plenty of (ahem) "experience"...I just HATE this sort of's not your party to organise. If it goes tits up, they'll only have themselves to blame, if it turns out your surrogate Aunty loves a bit of smut and stripper, they hey-ho, a great night out will ensue. (Bloody hell I'm not going though...grin

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