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To ask DH to socialise with this guy against his wishes?

(33 Posts)
DealForTheKids Wed 26-Nov-14 09:17:08

A while ago, the DP of a good friend of mine slept with a prostitute. Not that there's ever a 'good' way to do that, but without going into too many details, the way he did it was particularly cruel. Of course, afterwards he was contrite to all hell, begged her forgiveness, etc.

I have been trying to support her in coming to terms with what happened without going on about what a shit he is and hoped she'd come to the conclusion to leave him, particularly as they don't live together and have no DC. She is young and has plenty of opportunities to meet someone lovely who respects her and their relationship (and women generally).

During this time she specifically asked me not to tell my DH. I know it's wrong that I went against her wishes but I needed his support too. I'm aware that this was a bad thing to do but I didn't think it would become an issue.

Unfortunately she's decided she wants to stay with him. I would love to say I never want to see the bloke again but I feel like that, if this is the decision she's made, I should respect it and not 'punish' her by applying my own feelings to the situation.

She has asked if we can go out to dinner, the 4 of us, and that I can treat this as a fresh start between them. DH really doesn't want to go or spend any time in the presence of her DP. Without the loyalty to my friend that I have, he's said he will find it very hard to spend any time with someone who has behaved in this way. He's said that if I really want him to, he'll do it, but I know it's unreasonable of me to ask him to be in a situation he feels uncomfortable with.

I don't really know what to do. If she does stay with him I can't keep avoiding dates/saying DH is busy, and equally I don't think it's fair to her after all she's been through to make her feel like she can't have dinner with her friends. Equally I don't want to ask DP to spend time with someone when, if the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't want to either.

I'm guessing I have to tell her that he knows and take the flak for that, but how can I manage this situation without hurting her further or asking DH to compromise his relatively admirable morals.

InfinitySeven Wed 26-Nov-14 09:19:51

Is there no way of guiding her more towards meeting up just the two of you, rather than as couples? It sounds as if that would be preferable overall.

LuisSuarezTeeth Wed 26-Nov-14 09:20:35

Tell her the truth. It might wake her up to what a twat her boyfriend is.

LadyLuck10 Wed 26-Nov-14 09:22:59

I don't think your DH is being unreasonable at all for not wanting to associate with this guy. It's best you try meet with her your own and not put your DH in a situation he is uncomfortable with.
I do get that you want to support your friend, however it also indirectly comes across as condoning his behaviour.

AnyFucker Wed 26-Nov-14 09:26:29

Tell her the truth

Don't try to guilt your partner into compromising his stance

If you still want to maintain your friendship, do it just with her alone

Men like this should be shunned by society

If she then decides to isolate herself with him, then so be it, but make it clear you will always be there for her but not him

DealForTheKids Wed 26-Nov-14 09:27:05

Unfortunately she's very excited and loved up, feeling that this is a new start for them, and isn't really letting go of the topic.

LadyLuck - you're right and I am concerned about coming across as condoning his twattish behaviour. I suppose at first I didn't want her to feel like she couldn't talk with me as she worked through it (even though I wanted to shout LTB pretty much every time I saw her). I think at the time I believed she'd come to the right conclusion on her own, with a wee but of guidance/nudging. Perhaps it is time to nudge harder.

Preciousbane Wed 26-Nov-14 09:28:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LegoAdventCalendar Wed 26-Nov-14 09:32:03

What Any said. Tell the truth. And that you cannot associate with him anymore.

Yambabe Wed 26-Nov-14 09:32:50

I would have to be blunt with her I think, and tell her that although I accepted her decision to make a fresh start with him (and would always be there for her) I would prefer not to socialise with him on a one-to-one basis and would not be going to a cosy little dinner with them both.

In the circumstances you describe I wouldn't be able to keep my contempt for him hidden and regardless of my own DP's feelings I don't think it would make for a fun evening!

ilovesooty Wed 26-Nov-14 09:33:32

She's come to what she feels is the right conclusion for her whatever her friends think.
I don't think your husband should have to socialise with the man if he doesn't want to. I don't think you should have told him if your friend specifically asked you not to, or should at least have told her at the time you couldn't keep it from him.

tigermoll Wed 26-Nov-14 09:33:36

Re telling your DH a secret - I would never expect anyone I confided in to keep secrets from a partner, so she ought to have (slightly) expected your DH to find out.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll Wed 26-Nov-14 09:35:24

I wouldn't want my dh to socialise with him as he's a horrendous wind up merchant and it would be horribly embarrassing. Sometimes I can manage to stop him in his tracks but other times I haven't been able too. That's when we have works after when we're alone.

Your friends dp sounds a twat and I hope she wakes to that fact soon.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll Wed 26-Nov-14 09:36:16

We have words not works

ApocalypseThen Wed 26-Nov-14 09:36:40

To be honest, I think I'd be telling my friend that I didn't really want to have any contact with her partner either. You can accept her decision to stay with him without having to socialise with a scumbag.

VanitasVanitatum Wed 26-Nov-14 09:37:28

I have to admit I would probably say that he overheard a conversation or something and that's how he knows (I'm a wuss re confrontation). I would expect her to be angry and defensive though, she has put herself in such a difficult situation by letting this guy back in her life, and as she's all 'loved up' she will be very unwilling to have him judged or criticised.

annielouisa Wed 26-Nov-14 09:38:01

I think you need to confess the truth and perhaps the fact another man is disgusted with her DP may help her to see what an absolute slime ball he is. If you and your DP go and he feels uncomfortable questions maybe asked and it would be better to be honest up front.

AnyFucker Wed 26-Nov-14 09:38:34

All this mess because of secrets and lies

The only way to salvage this now is to bring it into the open where it should have been in the first place

Keeping the grubby little secrets of men like this causes misery for all around, but lets them sit pretty thinking they have got away with it

I would have immediately shunned him myself and told my friend, my husband and also him exactly why

DealForTheKids Wed 26-Nov-14 09:39:02

I am aware that I'm in the wrong for telling him against her wishes Sooty, and like I say up thread I do recognise that she is the only one whose opinion on staying with him matters. Apologies if 'right decision' came across otherwise.

I know things are going to be strained but I guess all the above is right - even ignoring DH's feelings, I should be able to tell her that I don't want to spend time with someone who would do this. Ugh. Selfishly I'm pissed off that he's the one that's done this yet it's hers and my relationship that will suffer as a result sad

NoArmaniNoPunani Wed 26-Nov-14 09:42:47

I think your friend could do with some nights out without her partner. Tell her neither of you want to socialise with him. I find it very hard to believe sex with a prostitute would be a one time only thing

WooWooOwl Wed 26-Nov-14 09:43:08

I think I'd tell my friend the truth.

If she's made a choice to stand by this man then she has to accept that there will be consequences to her decision. She can't expect other people to want to be around him just because she does. If you don't want to tell her that you told your DH, then tell her that it's you that doesn't want to be around her DP, but if she's in a relationship that she thinks is positive and successful then she should be able to understand that people do share thus sort if thing with their husbands/wives.

LadyLuck10 Wed 26-Nov-14 09:44:49

I think you don't even need to tell her you told your DH. Just say that you know he won't associate with someone like this and you don't want him to and as a matter of fact you don't want to either. It's not fair that everyone else needs to tip toe around this when he can carry on as normal. Your friend really needs a wake up. He is not her DH, they have no kids so this is the best opportunity for her to leave him. You can support her into choosing better for herself, rather than support her to get back with a twat.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Wed 26-Nov-14 09:45:06

I tell dh everything. He's my sounding board and my support. I certainly would have needed to discuss this with him.

Personally I would not be able to socialise with her partner myself. I think your dh has excellent boundaries. In your position I would be saying, "look, I've had a good think about all this, and basically it's entirely your decision what you do in your relationship, but I would never socialise knowingly with someone who thought women could be bought and sold. So whilst I love you and want to see you often, it would be really false of me to see your dp. I can't pretend to be friends with someone who did what he did. I'm sorry if this hurts you, I've been agonising over how to tell you."

It's hard because you don't want to alienate her, but pretending to be friends with him could do the most harm of all.

MaryWestmacott Wed 26-Nov-14 09:47:15

Actually, I do'nt believe anyone should have the right to tell a married person to keep a secret from their spouce, you can ask if they won't, but once you tell a secret, it's no longer yours.

I would tell her the truth, you told your DH early on, you didn't want to tell her you'd told him becuase you thought she'd be ending the relationship and didn't want her to feel embarrassed around your DH, but now she's continuing with the relationship, unfortunately, you can't keep that secret from her.

I'd also refuse to socialise with him, say that you and your DH don't want to be in the company of a man like that, and that you'd still like to be her friend, but unless you can see her alone, you'll have to go your separate ways as he's not the sort of person you can possibly have in your life, and that you are quite frankly baffled she doesn't feel the same.

You'll probably lose a friend, but in my experience, woman who are determined to be in a relationship with a man no matter how shittily he behaves are not possible to help without getting very mentally hurt yourself.

If you are lucky, it might shock her into stopping minimising it. If you have been her supportive friend, then it could well be she's kidded herself into believing it's not that bad, because you are OK with it.

ApocalypseThen Wed 26-Nov-14 09:47:45

It might wake her up to the reality of what he did if she has to face the fact that others don't care to associate with prostitution clients. Everybody pretending its all fine and normal will only collude with the delusion she's chosen.

Castlemilk Wed 26-Nov-14 09:51:26

What FuckYouChris said.

You don't even need to tell her you told him. Make the decision yourself
not to socialise with him.

And if she says - how could you, new start, you're making it more difficult for us etc. you could bite the bullet and say yes, I hope I am. Even if you fall out with me over this I'll still consider I've done the right thing and if it wakes you up to what a horrible mistake you're making, it will have been worth it.

You could also say that you simply can't ask your DH to socialise with him as if he ever found out the truth, he'd be disgusted with you for not telling him and letting him think this guy was decent when in reality he's no more than a scum and a rapist (yes, he is).

Wake her up.

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