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To be upset that DP has told people that I am pregnant?

(193 Posts)
ThereIsACarInTheKitchen Tue 25-Nov-14 22:03:48

I have recently found out that I am pregnant but due to a lot of reasons I am not sure that I am going to continue with the pregnancy. I was debating whether I should tell DP or not as he is not the most understanding of people and I was afraid in case he might try and pressurise me into a decision. In the end though I told him but I also explained that I wasn't sure that I wanted to continue with it and because of this I made it clear that I didn't want anyone else to know. That was on Sunday.

Fast forward ahead to today and I was on my break at work. A friend sent me a text just with the word "congrats!" and when I replied asking her what she meant she sent a text back saying "on your pregnancy of course!".

I did confront DP as soon as he got in and he confessed that it had been him who had told her and that he "might" have told some other people.

He doesn't see what the big deal is and thinks I'm overreacting but I didn't want anyone to know and he knew that. He seems to think that if people know then I will change my mind and I will continue with the pregnancy.

I am just so upset and pissed off and I have had a cry. I just don't know what to do now and feel like I can't trust him with anything. He's done this on purpose, I know he has and has put me in an awkward situation. Now people know that I am pregnant (and this friend probably will have told other people as well) I am not going to be able to terminate as everyone will bloody know about it!

Sorry if I am rambling but I am just so upset right now.

wheresthelight Tue 25-Nov-14 22:09:07

your dp is an arse!!!

people knowing doesn't stop you terminating if it's the right decision for you though.

Nancy66 Tue 25-Nov-14 22:12:52

That's a shitty thing to do.

But you can't let his behaviour pressure you into keeping a baby that you are not sure you want.

BestZebbie Tue 25-Nov-14 22:12:55

If termination is what you really want, of course you can still go ahead - sadly even very wanted pregnancies fail all the time at the early stages, so a simple statement that you are no longer pregnant and don't want to discuss it any further should be all that is required to the people who already know.
Should you choose to elaborate/your partner tells everyone that it was a termination, it would also seem fair to explain that you never intended to carry a pregnancy and your DP was trying to put pressure on you/emotionally blackmail you by 'telling' - that action is very much on him, not on you.

HicDraconis Tue 25-Nov-14 22:12:57

YANBU to be upset with your DP. Trying to use social pressure to force you into making a decision is complete arsehattery.

Without turning this into a termination debate and not knowing your reasons for having doubts about continuing, I would say that you are still going to be able to terminate if you want to - who gives a flying fuck what anyone else thinks? You can choose to tell people who ask what you like, but a dignified "thanks, but I am no longer pregnant" when people comment should be enough to shut them up. It's the truth without going into details.

All your options are still open. Including a gentle (hug) if that's OK, you are in a difficult place.

Neverbuyheliumbalonz Tue 25-Nov-14 22:14:31

Oh gosh, I saw the title and was going to come on here and relay my own anecdote about how dh drunkenly told all his mates I was 6 weeks pregnant on a night out, and how I was a bit annoyed but got over it etc etc.

Your situation is a whole different kettle of fish - how dare he do that! I don't even know what to advise. You need to speak to him and ask him how many people he has told and exactly why he told them. And of course you can't let this affect your decision, you have to do what you need to do.

ThereIsACarInTheKitchen Tue 25-Nov-14 22:16:09

Thanks everyone, I am just so upset right now.

I have contacted the friend in question and told her not to tell anyone and told her not to post anything on Facebook, etc. So hopefully she won't tell anyone/anyone else if she already had.

Mrsgrumble Tue 25-Nov-14 22:17:18

Oh my god, he is horrible to do that, it is definitely blackmail

Showy Tue 25-Nov-14 22:18:38

How DARE he?

Do you want to talk about the pregnancy and your choices?

And your relationship and choices as a separate matter, perhaps at a later date.

GooseRoasties Tue 25-Nov-14 22:19:04

Being pregnant and being a mother is one of the most life changing things to happen in a woman's life, but you have plenty of options.. It is your choice if you want to carry on or not, after all it is your body!

Don't worry about what anyone think, your DP was an ass telling people when you were not emotionally or mentally ready and hadn't thought things through yourself. However like the others have posted a simple 'I'm not pregnant any more' will stop any questions in their tracks.

ThereIsACarInTheKitchen Tue 25-Nov-14 22:20:33

I think saying "I'm not pregnant anymore" if I do decide to terminate is a good idea if people ask. Hopefully people will be sensitive enough not to push any further sad.

Drania Tue 25-Nov-14 22:21:32

If your DP has told people with the sole intention of trying to pressure you, he is a huge prick, especially as you discussed your views with him.

Do what is best for you.

Teeb Tue 25-Nov-14 22:22:06

What a complete cunt to do that, trying to remove your choice and minimise your feelings. If a termination is what is best for you, don't let blackmail from him get in the way of that, lots of prgnancied don't go to term of natural causes.

I do hope this reviews your relationship with him.

BOFster Tue 25-Nov-14 22:25:57

You are taking the right approach, I think. He is totally out of order.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Nov-14 22:28:38

You can still do what you wish

Terminate and tell people the truth, terminate and have a "miscarriage", keep the baby

But I seriously suggest you dump the bloke

Viviennemary Tue 25-Nov-14 22:33:21

He absolutely should not have told people when you had specifically asked him not to. Still the decision is yours and you can say you had a miscarriage if people already know. And it's none of other people's business what you do.

StackladysMorphicResonator Tue 25-Nov-14 22:42:25

He is a complete knob and an emotional blackmailer! What an arse!

And I say that as a Catholic who's against abortion (but support every woman's right to choose).

flowers hope you are ok.

TracyBarlow Tue 25-Nov-14 22:46:51

I agree totally with everything Stackladys said.

And also, I'd dump him now then decide what you want to do about the baby. He is an absolute prick and you will be able to think more clearly without having to answer to him.

Make the decision tatis right for you. Anyone who wants to judge you for it is not your friend xx

RiverTam Tue 25-Nov-14 22:49:25

what an utter utter cunt.

I would strongly suggest that you make whatever decision you want with regard to your pregnancy (you can easily say you had an MC) but get rid of this absolute shit of a man. He is not someone you need in your life.

Castlemilk Tue 25-Nov-14 22:52:28

What a horrible, horrible, blackmailing, manipulative, nasty fucking shit of a bloke.

Do not have a baby with this man.
Do not spend your life with this man.
Do not stay with this man for one minute longer.

You weren't sure about him? You are now.

I would go ahead with the termination, but I would not even tell him about it. In fact, I'd ESPECIALLY not tell him about it. At all. Go ahead. After wards, tell the friend he told that sadly you have lost the baby, which you suspected might happen as you had been having problems since the start, which is why you didn't want anyone knowing yet. Then tell him the same thing. And dump him. He doesn't believe you? Who cares. You'll have got 'your side' of it out there before him, if he's vindictive enough to gossip about you, and will look a shit.

SanityClause Tue 25-Nov-14 22:55:08

That's very manipulative of him.

It wouldn't be lying to say a termination was a miscarriage - it's a medically induced one - so no need to worry about judgy people.

Do what's best for you. And really seriously think about your relationship.

Pelicangiraffe Tue 25-Nov-14 22:55:26

You can always tell people you lost the baby if you do decide to terminate.

What a prick

ChippingInAutumnLover Tue 25-Nov-14 22:57:07

He is an arse sad I'm sorry if you don't want to hear this right now, but that would be a deal breaker if it was me. Totally. It's selfish and bullying.

You can't let this sway you one way or another. No-one else (including him) needs to know anything other than 'Unfortunately I'm no longer pregnant' if you don't want to tell them, but I hope you have at least one good friend you an confide in.

Look after yourself

NakedFatGal Tue 25-Nov-14 22:57:36

he sounds really manipulative.

I agree with pelicangiraffe, you could just tell people you lost the baby.


motherofmonster Tue 25-Nov-14 22:59:03

Underhanded, blackmailing , low taking cunt.
i am raging on your behalf op.
how fucking dare he do this to you at such a emotionally uncertain time.
so he is basically trying to use outside influences to try to shame you from your right to choose without having to take into account others.
its no ones fucking business, he knew this and went behind your back thinking he could get his own way.
what a complete prickangry

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