AIBU to think housework gets split 50:50?

[Jessica85]

We both wear clothes that need washing, walk on floors that need mopping, eat food from plates that need cleaning and sleep in bed sheets that need changing. Surely we should split household tasks equally?!

I teach, and we earn the same, though he works longer hours than me in the holidays and I work longer hours than him in term time.

So how do you split chores? Does it matter if one person works longer hours, or earns more money?

[JeanneDeMontbaston]

YANBU.

Sounds as if you do very even amounts of work outside the home, so I can't see any reason not to split 50/50.

TBH, I would find it very shoddy if someone claimed just because they were paid more, they should get off part of the housework. Fair enough, if one person works full time and the other part, there's a discrepancy, but just being paid more is a dodgy argument.

[seaweed123]

In your case, I think it would make sense for him to do more in term time, and you to do more in the holidays?

I don't think these things need to be exactly 50/50 on a weekly basis, as long as it balances out long term, and both partners are equally happy to pick up the slack when needed.

[Fairenuff]

How long have you been living together and how do you currently split chores?

[ilikebaking]

Yep, do 50.50, don't bother doing less or more in the holidays etc. Just split it equally. If he won't do his fair share, treat him like a child. Make him a chore list, if he doesn't complete, confiscate stuff.

[StripedOss]

we've never split chores, whoever sees it and decides it needs doing, does it.

we both do all the housework as and when it crops up, but i'm lucky that my DH is probably more tidy than i am.

There are weeks where i do more, and weeks when he does more, its swings and roundabouts!

[elderflowergin]

YANBU, but I agree with seaweed, you could probably each do a little more when you are working shorter hours than the other.
My DH and I both work full time but we don't share 50/50, we each have things we do, but we both do everything and anything if needed (although he pretty much always cooks as he is good at it and I am rubbish!) and I mostly do all the laundry .

[Tobyjugg]

DW cooks. I do washing and w/up. Cleaning split 50/50.

[broccoliear]

Whether you have to actively "split" it or not, you should both be doing the same amount. I would not continue a relationship with a man who was not able to comprehend this.

[Jessica85]

Thanks for the replies. We've been living together for a year, and I started doing more over the summer cos I wasn't really working and he was, but he hasn't started doing more since I've been back at school. I just had a moment of "our house is gross and we have no clean clothes" and realised that I've still been doing all the cooking and washing up.

I think we really do need proper chores otherwise I'll end up doing it all because he doesn't seem to notice when the laundry basket is overflowing or that mould had started growing in the bathroom (it's gone now).

I don't mind doing the deep clean in the holidays, but I think we need to do cooking, washing up, tidying, hoovering, washing, ironing equally between us.

[Mrsgrumble]

I find I do most of it then dh gets perplexed when he sees me stressing over him walk on my clean floors with dirty shoes .. Grrr then I have a bit of a rant. He has never mopped the floor or toilet cleaned or anything in five years

He does do all the bins and now I make m do his own ironing, deliberately leave washing baskets full so he knows he has to put a wash on, strip the beds but leave clean linen put so be has to remake

I do all grocery shopping, cooking but he will wash up

I am the higher Warner but work a shorter day. Things have evened up as he minds baby and I get a break from seven pm.

[BigPawsBrown]

This should not even be a question my mind. Who would do it if he was single?

[Mrsgrumble]

Earner

[Dragonlette]

Our chores are split fairly equally. Dp works 4 days a week all year while I teach ft, so have the long holidays. Dp does take on more during term time because otherwise we'd all live on freezer foods and I do more in the holidays. Some times of year he has to do more childcare because I have parents' evenings, extra marking, etc Sometimes I do more if he's particularly busy at work.

I couldn't be in a relationship where we didn't both pull our weight. It starts out being slightly unequal when it's just the 2 of you, but once there's children around the inequalities increase massively because each chore takes longer/is more onerous.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

We share. Who cooks, doesnt do the pots.

I do the washing and he pairs the socks and irons.

Big cleans, we take on a task each and keep going until it is done. I dont mind polishing if he hoovers.

[NoSundayWorkingPlease]

Of course it matters if someone works longer hours.

I do more housework than dh, but I work 28 hours a week over 4 days and he works around 40 over 5 days. It would hardly be fair if I expected him to take half the household chores when he's in work for 12 hours more a week than I am.

[Pelicangiraffe]

I think you share all the chores 50-50 all the time with you doing bonus deep cleans and sort through and Christmas/birthday shopping during your long holidays.

How about sharing the cooking,

[Jessica85]

I just worked out that over the last week I've done all the cooking, tidying, cleaning, washing and ironing and he's only done the washing up.

To be fair, I think it hasn't helped that me being back in school coincided with him changing from a desk job to a physical one, so he's knackered when he gets home. And I'm a bit riled because he came in from work and took off his overalls in the kitchen, spreading dust all over the freshly mopped floor!

Need to have a sensible chat about it methinks, because I don't want to become resentful.

[Jessica85]

We can't share the cooking because he when we moved in together he had literally never peeled a spud before, despite living on his own for two years! My mum's a farmer, so I'm used to fresh veg and after a couple of days of freezer food I start to feel crappy. I'd be happy to do the cooking with him doing washing up, if cleaning and laundry were more evenly shared.

[JeanneDeMontbaston]

Ok - have you talked about this properly? Does he know (or think) he's doing as little as he is?

Drawing up a list of chores is great. Someone on MN walked me how she did it, so can I pass it on? She said, you make it very unconfrontational and just each of you brainstorm things that need doing. It is just a way of making life easier, so you say 'can we make a list of what needs doing' and you both do it.

And you work together.So if you say 'ah, we need to empty bins' you write it down; if he says 'we need to wash up' it goes down. When it's something where it's not obvious how often it's done, you check what he thinks is normal. This bit is important. No use drawing up a list if he thinks sheets are changed weekly and you think it's every three months or something like that!

Obviously, if you disagree massively on frequency you compromise in the middle and agree to revisit the idea.

Then, you divvy up chores and try to tick then off on the calendar as you go.

It's not perfect, but it helps get a sense of how much you're each doing. But there's no sense in it if all the organizational work is left to you - so it needs to include the planning and shopping as well as individual tasks, and it won't work if he wants you just to 'tell me what needs doing'.

[JeanneDeMontbaston]

Sorry, that came over as really bossy!

I don't mean it.

It's just, my ex was like this. And it was a right pain getting through it all, and I wish it could have been less of a pain. He did learn to cook (as well as me, and after a couple of years he was cooking more often than me, too). And he figured out what he wasn't noticing in terms of clearing up, too. He'll make someone else a nice husband.

[Fairenuff]

It would be a good idea to do the cooking together, then he can learn all about it. Once he knows how to grill, roast, boil and fry, there isn't much that he won't be able to make. I think it's important that he cooks for you both as often as you do, especially if you plan to have children together.

[NotCitrus]

If you're around at the same time, then you can say "tell you what, I'll do X while you do Y" and then that ensures you both are doing a chunk and that you see the other one doing it. Not so easy if you aren't seeing each other much each day.

Lists are great -they also make it clear if there's tasks where one of you is very fussy about how they are done, eg dishwasher loading, or tasks one of you absolutely hates / vaguely enjoys, eg bin emptying or paperwork.

We found telling each other what we had done to keep the household running made us both better at doing stuff - MrNC doesn't complain I haven't done stuff I find physically hard and appreciates the amount of time I spend on paperwork (he's severely dyslexic). And I try not to rearrange the dishwasher once he's loaded it.

[Greengrow]

We split it fairly and both worked full time. I don't understand women who don't insist on that. It seems strange but them I'm from a line of many strong and very feminist women going back generations so it's not surprising I would not tolerate sexism at home for even a single day.

Also my children's father had a house when I met him so he was the one who knew more than I did about how to operate a hoover or a cooker. He showed me, not vice versa. Also I was only off work 2 weeks to have a baby in so there was no sexist pattern established on that poisoned chalice we call long maternity leave.

In general we each had our own tasks - for a time when we had 3 children in cloth nappies at night he did all the washing and I did not even know how to work the machine. I did our tax returns. I plaited the girls' hair, he did all the food shopping etc etc.

We were/are both tidy though and both very hard working so that obviously meant it was going to work and both feminists.

[sooperdooper]

I think I do a bit more, but DH does cook when he's home from work first, he does washing and emptying the dishwasher - he's just not very good at noticing when the floors need hoovering/mopping, but he certainly does his fair share

[BolshierAyraStark]

I do most of it as I work 18 hours & DH does around 50 so would be pretty unfair to expect a 50/50 split.
If we did the same hours it would be different.