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To think my daughter should not have been branded a racist?

(199 Posts)
Nikinakin00 Tue 25-Nov-14 20:42:44

I'm really not sure what you're all going to say...
My DD is 13 and has a diagnosis for ADHD and also for ASD.
She struggles in school, with her anger and in social situations but we are getting there and she is improving.
Unfortunately, because she is loud and can display inappropriate behaviour, she is always the first one the teacher notices and tells off or blames.
She is used to this now and kind of just accepts it most of the time!
She is very literal and will often refuse to talk to a teacher because she looks like a thumb, laugh at a teachers name that sounds like her favourite ice cream. So she can be immature.
Today in school a girl started taunting her saying she (dd) had problems and saying 'so glad I've not got your problems though' and pulling a face to insinuate she had learning difficulties (iyswim) whilst others laughed. So my Dd jumped up and said "well you're ugly with a squashed nose and you look like a monkey!'
This girl is mixed race (i know this because her mum is known in my town and she is mixed race) and reported a racial attack to the teacher and as a consequence, my daughter was told her behaviour was disgusting and excluded
I only found out when I'd finished work because the school called my parents, who collected her from school and they left me a voicemail.
I've been to the school and the head teacher basically said that the girls family are feuding with another family, it's become quite serious and they think my DD was goaded to make a racial comment to this girl. They also said that they removed her from the situation to protect her getting into further trouble and also the girls mother reports every racial abuse to the police and I'd have them knocking at my door if he hadn't of diffused the situation. This girls mother is coming to the school on Thursday with a solicitor to demand all kinds (not about todays situation) the head basically said any row or anything said to her dd results in racial accusations so I know there is lots going on.
My dd is adamant she wasn't goaded and says that she does look like a monkey and that's why she said it.
My dd's half brother is mixed race as are her cousins, we are not a racist family. I'm so upset that the school have publicly excluded her for racial comments, that they had to call this mother and say that she had been removed and that nothing was said to the girl or her mum about what she had said.
What about the comments she was making to my dd? Why aren't they equally as damaging? My dd has no self esteem, she has self harmed many times, the amount of effort to even get her to school is enough, but to deal with this aswell? She has been doing amazing lately.
The school have said they will have her back tomorrow but she is so upset. It took her 10 minutes to even get in the car because she was having a meltdown on the pavement outside of school. In her eyes, the girl said something bad so dd said something back.
I feel so sorry for her, she is 100% not racist but she as been branded one.
She very openly admits calling her a name and says "she knows it is naughty but it wasn't because of who her mum is and she said bad things to me that I can't help and she knows she has to be told off"
It's heartbreaking for me to see her not understand and I don't think the school have protected her.
Aibu?

ThereIsACarInTheKitchen Tue 25-Nov-14 20:46:10

Didn't we just have this? confused

Nikinakin00 Tue 25-Nov-14 20:48:07

Oh wow! It took me so long to write this that I didn't see the other!

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 25-Nov-14 20:49:27

But...it was a racist comment?

Metalguru Tue 25-Nov-14 20:50:14

I didn't want to read and run, especially as I'm not sure what kind of response you might get on here. Your daughter was wrong to say what she did, as you know, she still needs to know this was wrong even with her ASD diagnosis. But the other girl was also wrong for her mocking of learning disability, and this needs to be addressed too, with equal rigour. It's horrible when our dcs are hurting, I know it must be hard for you, hope you are ok.

ThereIsACarInTheKitchen Tue 25-Nov-14 20:51:19

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fairenuff Tue 25-Nov-14 20:51:46

She isn't being 'branded' a racist. She made a racist comment.

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 25-Nov-14 20:52:21

Wrt your daughter being bullied, the only thing you can do is go to that school as many times as it takes for the management to do something about it.

Funkytown Tue 25-Nov-14 20:52:35

you maybe not be racist but the comment IS racist
i am mixed and i would be disgusted if me or any of my children were told they look like monkeys and to say she has a squashed nose is racist as most people know that very many black or mixed race people have wider noses .

just because your daughter has learning difficulties does not excuse her behaviour and you don't know if the other girl has been self harming or has low self-esteem or body issues.
and as you said she knew it was the wrong thing to do but instead of getting help or speaking to a teacher she chose to make a racist comment

Nikinakin00 Tue 25-Nov-14 20:52:53

No it wasn't!
My daughter has autism, she doesn't get the racial undertones in there.
She totally doesn't! she called her a bad name and I'm supportive of the school punishing her.
My daughter has disabilities and was teased for them.

whois Tue 25-Nov-14 20:53:18

Other girl should be in equal trouble for teasing your DD about her learning difficulties.

Your DD shouldn't necessarily be branded a racists for saying a mean comment to someone of a different race.

Coconutty Tue 25-Nov-14 20:53:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usualsuspect333 Tue 25-Nov-14 20:53:44

Both the girls were out of order.

Has the other girl been punished by the school?

Fairenuff Tue 25-Nov-14 20:54:11

If you are supportive of the school punishing her, what is your thread actually about?

ThereIsACarInTheKitchen Tue 25-Nov-14 20:54:52

Funkytown did you miss the part where the OP said this girl was making fun of her DD's disabilities?

Nikinakin00 Tue 25-Nov-14 20:55:27

This girl isn't black, just to clarify.
I get that she called her a name and she accepts it was wrong, but is it my daughters fault for having learning difficulties?
Is one worse than the other?

Funkytown Tue 25-Nov-14 20:55:32

and i agree that the other child should have been reprimanded for her behaviour too

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 25-Nov-14 20:55:41

1) yes it was racist. It is not the intent which matters but how it is perceived by the person on the receiving end of the comment.

2) go to the school about the bullying your daughter is experiencing

Nikinakin00 Tue 25-Nov-14 20:57:00

And no, the other girl has not been punished because the school say that the mum will cause more trouble. That is the best way to deal with it apparently.

manicinsomniac Tue 25-Nov-14 20:57:22

I don't quite understand. It seemed like the school were excusing her a bit and saying that they believed her to have been goaded into the comment by a third child? But then your daughter insisted that it was her own comment and that the girl did look like a monkey. That is racist.

I don't know enough about ASD and ADHD to say whether or not your daughter can be expected to take full responsibility for her words or not.

The other girl should have received the same punishment as your daughter for her disablist comments though.

usualsuspect333 Tue 25-Nov-14 20:57:26

The school need to take the other girls mocking of your DDS disabilities as seriously as your DDS racist remarks.

lemisscared Tue 25-Nov-14 20:58:06

Your dd made a racist comment so the school were right to exclude her. However i would be wanting to know why the other girl wasn't excluded for her prejuficed comments . From what you say, it sounds like the other family have had some problems with racism so the school need to be strict about this.

The irony is they will likely be friends in a week or so

Nikinakin00 Tue 25-Nov-14 20:58:29

I have been to the school.
I'm very very supportive of them as dd is hard work, I know that but she should have been protected too. She is a vulnerable person and their safeguarding and equality policies state that.

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye Tue 25-Nov-14 20:58:45

I have ASD and ADHD. It's really not an excuse for racism.

Really, it isn't. No.

Squashed nose and looks like a monkey is pretty racist.

However, the other girl needs to receive the same treatment. Taking the piss out of learning disabilities is easily as bad as racism.

Boomtownsurprise Tue 25-Nov-14 20:59:15

To be clear she said monkey because of the squashed nose or the colour of her skin?

Sorry but here, this instance, it's a massive difference in comprehension.

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