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To think that people always expect the weaker person/person being verbally attacked to back down?

(8 Posts)
cheeseandfickle Tue 25-Nov-14 19:54:14

Triggered by I'm a Celebrity last night....

I know Kendra went off on a potty mouthed tirade at Edwina, but to be fair Edwina did start it, and was deliberately being antagonistic and trying to cause an argument. But very few of the others said anything to Edwina about her starting things, and instead the focus was on Kendra to just "leave it".

I have been in that situation before and it really sucks. Years ago when I was at school a girl in my year really had it in for me and picked on me constantly for a couple of years, yet each time I said anything back to her comments I would be told by others to just leave it, or just ignore her. Even teachers just told me to ignore her when she started in lessons, rather than saying anything to her about her behaviour.

A couple of years ago I went on a hen weekend. Someone on the weekend, whom I had never met before, took an instant dislike to me, and was horrible to me for the entire weekend; rude, nasty digs and comments, laughing at me, and saying things loudly to others about me. Each time I tried to defend myself or say anything in reply, again I was told to leave it, and to just ignore her, whilst she sat and smirked. Everyone just looked really uncomfortable when she started but no one pulled her up on her behaviour. They did, however, seem visibly annoyed when I stood up for myself.

I just wonder really why this always happens in this kind of situation? Fair enough if people just keep out of it, but trying to silence the person who is being given a hard time?? Why?

ajandjjmum Tue 25-Nov-14 20:04:38

Edwina was aggressive but I thought what she said was infact right. You can't always look after No. 1. Kendra really lost it though and Edwina kept poking. I actually thought the others seemed supportive of Kendra - which she didn't deserve - although I'm sure Edwina doesn't need anyone's support! grin

cheeseandfickle Tue 25-Nov-14 20:06:48

I don't think that was what Kendra said though; she actually said you can't live your life for anyone else, which I took to mean that you shouldn't care what others think.

I don't blame Kendra for losing it really; Edwina was being really unkind and deliberately trying to wind her up. I bet she wouldn't have said that one of the men shouldn't be in the jungle if they had a young baby.

PoppyWearer Tue 25-Nov-14 20:10:39

I think many people try to either avoid or smooth over confrontation. Except on MN, obv!

For the good of "the tribe" perhaps? Thinking of it in caveman terms, the alpha asserts themself, then is either challenged by another alpha type for the leadership or everyone rallies around them. The tribe survives and carries on, whereas a protracted conflict is no good for anyone.

I've been on the receiving end too and I think the only reason I've been picked on is because I've been perceived as "weak" and unlikely to give as good as I get. I need to do something about that, but my genuine gut instinct in conflict is flight rather than fight.

I haven't seen I'm a Celeb so can't comment on that.

clam Tue 25-Nov-14 20:17:37

In the Edwina/Kendra scenario, I don't see it as weakness vs strength. I think that Kendra expressed herself badly, and before she could expand on her theme, Edwina tried to engineer a debate about it. If hunger, tiredness, possible insecurity (on K's part) and so on hadn't been issues, then they might have been able to have a reasonable debate about it and understood each others' points, but as it was, K flew off the handle.

I think they're both tough old birds, but Edwina had intelligence on her side, along with the "wisdom" that age can bring (debatable in her case, if you tend to disagree with her views), and she was able to shrug it off (on the surface, at least), whereas Kendra was clearly upset afterwards.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Tue 25-Nov-14 20:18:34

They were telling Kendra to leave it because she wasn't entering into any kind of reasoned argument or discussion that could have even ended in a "let's agree to disagree", she just went on a foul mouthed tirade. Once someone loses it like that and especially in that closed stressful environment where there's no space or escape, it's never going to end well.

cheeseandfickle Wed 26-Nov-14 10:20:03

I don't think Edwina tried to do a reasoned argument or discussion either though; she took a tiny snapshot of what Kendra had said, read things into it, said a sweeping statement and then went back to laying down on her bed.

wasitsomethingisaid Wed 26-Nov-14 11:15:32

I get that ~Edwina thought she had a point, but she didn't listen to what Kendra meant. Which was to be herself. I've heard she is a good mother and does put her children first, however that was irrelevant to what she was saying, she was talking theoretically.

I think Kendra doesn't articulate herself too well, but I did notice Edwina backed into the offended upper middle class educated person, and pushed Kendra into the badmouth role. She then criticised Kendra for swearing, which she had provoked.

Both tired, fed up and not trying to understand the other in my opinion. They'll probably be best buddies in a week or two!

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