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to not apologise to my mother

(11 Posts)
wheresthelight Tue 25-Nov-14 18:15:42

My mum and I have a long history of not getting along due to her ignoring an awful lot of abuse I suffered at the hands of my dad both as a child and as an adult. she is incredibly over bearing and from the second I gave birth to dd has tried to take over and muscle in for example demanding that she gave dd her first bath when we came out of hospital, demanding to be at the birth and threatening to turn up even after u had told her I didn't want her there (had to inform the hospital to send her away of she turned up). I have bitten my tongue til it bleeds over virtually everything until she started telling me that I was doing a crap job and everything I was doing was wrong at which point I told her a few home truths and refuses to speak to her until she apologised which took about a month. since then things have been fine until today.

she phoned this morning to see if dd and I were free to meet at a local shopping centre as her sister is up visiting. now I get on very well with my aunt and we are exceptionally close which has always been a bone of contention for mum. we were sat having a coffee and I gave dd her snack pot - now she has had a nasty tummy bug and hasn't eaten for nearly 3 days. the pot ignore of those nuby monster things where they have the rubber fibs to offer a bit of resistance and stop kids grabbing everything in the pot at once. dd is 15 months and has been using it for a while but new treats take her a few minutes to figure out how to get out. it was some organix sweetcorn rings if that matters. So mum took it away from dd and started trying to get the snacks out and I very quietly said to her to leave dd alone with ot as she is quite capable of getting them out if she wants them. mum ignored me and carried on so I asked her again to leave dd to it as she is happy enough just playing with the pot and will figure it out in her own time. so out of the blue mum throws a proper tantrum and making snide remarks about having her head bitten off which I certainly didn't do (I didn't my aunt if I had been rude and she agreed I hadn't) so I ignored mum's frankly embarrassing behaviour and then took the pot off dd. mum had loosened the lid so I was putting it back on and I think mum thought I was taking the snacks out to give to dd so started saying to dd that I was a nasty and being horrible to Granny and biting her head off for doing nothing. my aunt told mum that she had said enough and to stop it. mum made another snidey remark so I quite firmly told her to pack it in or I would take dd home. I wasn't rude and didn't shout but mum has sulked all day and refused to speak to me.

my aunt told me to ignore her but it is praying on my mind. so wibu?

sorry for the essay

wheresthelight Tue 25-Nov-14 18:29:51

apologies autocorrect on my phone appears to have had a field day!

Sn00p4d Tue 25-Nov-14 18:33:41

Nope, she was.
Sounds toxic I wouldn't waste the energy worrying about it, she sounds like more of a child than your dd :/ x

NynaevesSister Tue 25-Nov-14 18:35:21

If you didn't raise your voice and only said what you said here then no because you've nothing to apologise for. Just stick with this approach, keep boundaries, and disengage so you don't get upset by her behaviour.

CakeAndWineAreAFoodGroup Tue 25-Nov-14 18:35:57

Your aunt is right, try to ignore her. Easier said than done, I know.

BTW just googled that snack pot and I want one! They are great! grin

Bulbasaur Tue 25-Nov-14 18:41:03

When people act like toddlers, you need to treat them like toddlers.

Which means, don't take it personally and take the same stance you would with a tantrum. "Getting upset doesn't change my answer".

wheresthelight Tue 25-Nov-14 18:45:00

nyn done exactly as said here! I even asked my aunt as I thought maybe I had been louder or sharper than I intended but she agreed I hadn't done anything and mum was just being stroppy.

she is toxic but she is my mum and I would love to have a good relationship with her. dad and I had the mother of all fights in the middle of the street about 9 years ago and I told him exactly what I thought of him and since then we have got on great. he has apologised for his behaviour and whilst I will never forgive him I am happy to put it behind us and move on but mum seems intent on reminding me every time I see her why I do my best to avoid spending time with her.

she loves dd and I want them to have s good relationship but equally I won't stand for being constantly undermined. I know dd won't have understood what mum said and I maybe should have just ignored her but I do not want her thinking she can slag me off to dd because she will get into the habit and I don't want dd being out in the middle or thinking that it's on to ignore me cos Granny says I am mean to her.

she does ot with dsc's so dp is not a huge fan of her either!

wheresthelight Tue 25-Nov-14 18:46:19

cake they are amazing!!!! I have one of them and a couple of tesco imitation ones which aren't as fun!

bulb I love your retort and will be borrowing it for next time!!

JackieOLantern Tue 25-Nov-14 18:56:52

Well your DD is 15 months so just view this as good practice for handling the Terrible Twos when they kick in.

Maintain a neutral tone of voice, don't escalate the emotional situation, give your toddler space to calm down, count to three, outline the unacceptable behavior and then move on calmly.

Oh sorry, your mother was the one throwing a tantrum over a snack pot? I guess just apply the same tactics and see if your mother's behavior improves once she realizes she can't get what she wants by tantrumming grin

Lagoonablue Tue 25-Nov-14 18:59:00

Ugh. Your mum has issues. You were not mum can be like this. Very toxic. It's no fun and I sympathise.

Janethegirl Tue 25-Nov-14 21:01:11

Pls try to keep your mum out of this. She is never going to be helpful or positive. Try to minimize her influence brew

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