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To have said this to my friend regarding her "partner"?

(6 Posts)
ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Tue 25-Nov-14 17:13:24

Long story short...my friend lives alone with her baby. He "Partner" lives in a flat elsewhere.

She moved out shortly after the baby was born because of "the rows" which by all accounts were terrible.

Good.

However she thinks she's still in a relationship with him when he never comes to see her apart from when he wants access to their DD once a week OR when he wants some money.

she's constantly telling me "He did this and he said that" and I keep telling her "If he was a real partner, he'd be helping you to paint your home...not me!"

And I tell her to stop giving him money too but she sort of smiles and says she feels guilty when he's so poor.

He works full time but has debt and another child from a past relationship.

Yesterday I got impatient when she said "He wants to move in with me but I thought that it can't work when he hasn't even helped me move my new furniture....I'm tired of giving him money and getting no help in return"

And I said "So stop! Why do you do it?" and again she gave that odd smile and said "I feel guilty.

So I said "Could it be that you sort of enjoy it? That him "Needing" you makes you feel better?"

And she looked shock

But that's all I can think!

Thebodynowchillingsothere Tue 25-Nov-14 17:17:47

Well makes sense to me. Have you never told her where to get off before?

That's what friends do. You are there but not to be mute about things.

Seriously her drippiness would have got shorter shift from me op.

Viviennemary Tue 25-Nov-14 17:20:27

You are telling her what she doesn't want to hear even if it's the truth. If she asks your opinion then give it but there is no point in going on about what a waste of space he is. As she probably knows this already.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Tue 25-Nov-14 17:23:52

Thanks. I just can't STAND seeing her waste herself on this loser.

He's almost 40...she;s mid twenties and stunning and funny....she's an amazing Mother and works hard at her part time job....but she seems to think she's worthless. sad

AdamLambsbreath Tue 25-Nov-14 17:37:24

Erm . . . this sounds like some kind of emotional game in which your friend has involved you.

The fact that she keeps telling you how useless the guy is (I guess this is what you mean by 'he did this and he said that'?), then says she won't make a change, sounds a bit like she's deliberately drawing you into the drama.

You're ending up dumped with emotions that should be hers - the infuriation and frustration at her boyfriend's crap behaviour. Then once she's displaced it all onto you and you're the one that has to deal with the anger, she can deny those feelings (and you) by being passive and doing nothing about it.

You'll have to let the situation go to a certain extent, I think - it's her choice to have a relationship (or to imagine she has a relationship) with the guy, and it'll be her choice to end it (or own up that there's nothing to it and she's being used). You've made your feelings clear and you're there to support her if she wants it. I think now is the time to withdraw from discussion of Crap Boyfriend, and to ignore any 'lures' to get worked up about him. Stay neutral and deflect: if she starts telling you that she gave him money or something, just go with 'Oh right', 'I see', or 'OK', and leave it.

That's not to say that she's being deliberately manipulative or nasty, it just sounds like there's a bit of a dysfunctional dynamic at work which you could get caught up in.

BadtzMaru Tue 25-Nov-14 17:38:00

She has the child with her yet pays him money, presumably he doesn't pay maintenance then? YANBU to tell her he is a waste of space and she should get rid.

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