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AIBU to still be upset / angry disappointed that my mum was put on the Liverpool pathway the week I had DD.

(34 Posts)
Fizzielove Tue 25-Nov-14 14:06:15

Just what the title says really - no conversations with the hospital - just turn up to visit to find out that she'd been hooked up to diamorphine / catheterized, etc. the hospital were aware I was due any day and that I was also having a planned cs - but they didn't care.

This has seriously screwed my head up - AIBU to be unable to let the feelings go - I just can't......

26Point2Miles Tue 25-Nov-14 14:10:28

but your mum was the patient here....their duty of care was to her,not you confused

Goldmandra Tue 25-Nov-14 14:18:02

I don't think it's right to make those decisions without consultation with or at least informing the family but the PP is right. As long as the decision was made keeping your DM's best interests of paramount importance, they probably did the right thing.

Have you considered asking for some counselling?

allypally999 Tue 25-Nov-14 14:19:37

Surely someone in the family had to agree to this?

steff13 Tue 25-Nov-14 14:20:41

I'm sorry about your mother. That's so hard.

As far as the timing goes, my understanding of the Liverpool Care Pathway is that it's end of life care, is that correct? Unfortunately, it may just be time for that.

treaclesoda Tue 25-Nov-14 14:21:38

What is it that you find hard to let go?

That is, I understand why this was traumatic for you, but I'm not sure how it ties in with the fact that your baby was due, because presumably they needed to act to relieve your mother's suffering and that couldn't wait until a more convenient time. Were you the next of kin and feel that you should have been consulted?

Or are you just angry at how unfair life is? Because if that is the case, yanbu, I think everyone who watches a loved one suffering gets very angry about it.

chocogirl77 Tue 25-Nov-14 14:21:41

I take it that your mum passed away soon after this? If so, I'm sorry for your loss. Would it be possible to discuss with anyone why the hospital felt the LCP was appropriate for your Mum? Hopefully this might give you the answers you need for peace.

treaclesoda Tue 25-Nov-14 14:22:31

I mean angry at life though, not angry at the care providers

MelanieCheeks Tue 25-Nov-14 14:22:42

I think you are BU to be upset and angry, and it's a worry that you can't let this go. Is there more to this story?

Fizzielove Tue 25-Nov-14 14:23:03

thanks for that

PookBob Tue 25-Nov-14 14:23:23

Someone, possibly your DM, must have agreed to the treatment, surely?

My grandmother turned down this treatment, it was certainly her own choice.

I'm so sorry your DM is so I'll.

Fizzielove Tue 25-Nov-14 14:27:09

Basically she said she didn't want to be in any pain - the LCP was given.

It was administered in the middle of the night when no family were present.

Surely they could have provided morphine drip with button or something else.... they knew how badly she wanted to see her DGD born......

I buried her on the Friday and DD was born on Monday (in Ireland so we bury our dead quickly) I could have move the CS if anyone had told us how near to deaths door she was.

The day before this she was talking about coming home and that it wasn't yet time for the hospice cos she wasn't sick enough - pulled the wool right over all our eyes!

x2boys Tue 25-Nov-14 14:28:32

I have nursed several.patients on the Liverpool care pathway they were patients with end sat dementia and very physically unwell death is never easy but the idea of the Liverpool care pathway is that the patient has all.medication apart from usually diamorphine and sedation stopped to make their final hours as comfortable as possible.

x2boys Tue 25-Nov-14 14:29:15

End stage dementia.

fleurdelacourt Tue 25-Nov-14 14:31:00

OP - that certainly sounds like a terrible thing to happen. A good friend of mine lost her mother just days after her dd was born and it was a massive relief to her that it happened that way around. She'd have been devastated if her Mum had not met her baby.

I'm not sure why people are asking why you can't let go of this. This is a simple story IMO. My Mum was put onto the Liverpool pathway and died a week later. She herself had made a decision that she did not want to be resuscitated and that permission seemed to be enough for the hospice to act on when the time came. It was very hard as we effectively lost her to a coma a week before she died.

YANBU at all. Can you discuss this with someone to understand the chain of events? There have been cases of people being put on the pathway without consent and it might help you to know the full case history?

In any event, I'm really sorry for your loss - at such a key moment for you as well.

crumblebumblebee Tue 25-Nov-14 14:31:00

I'm sorry for your loss and that you're hurting so much. It doesn't sound like the hospital purposely did this to hurt you, it was just one of those horrible things with bad timing. Be kind to yourself.

PookBob Tue 25-Nov-14 14:31:32

I'm so sorry, that sounds like an awful situation, that was out of your control.

crumblebumblebee Tue 25-Nov-14 14:32:19

Some dying patients can give consent, perhaps your mum was able to consent which is why they didn't consult family.

treaclesoda Tue 25-Nov-14 14:36:29

When I asked 'what is it that you find hard to let go?' it wasnt me saying 'oh, get over it! ' , not at all.

The OP hadn't given all the detail at that point and I was just wondering if there was something in particular about it, if she thought it was without consent or something. I was just wondering if there was something specificl that's all.

It sounds very traumatic and if the OP feels that the hospital would have delivered her baby earlier if she had asked, then I can understand how that feels like a hard thing to overcome.

Goldmandra Tue 25-Nov-14 14:36:33

Maybe you need someone to review her notes with you so you can find out why certain decisions were made and whether is was your mother or HCP that made them.

You clearly need some answers in order to get closure. Was there a hospice involved with her care at all? Could they help you?

Aeroflotgirl Tue 25-Nov-14 14:37:35

I am so sorry for your loss flowers. By the sounds if it, they had your mums consent which is the main thing. Mabey they should have consulted her next of kin, but what if you disagreed with her decision. Also Mabey she dident want you there at the end, as you were heavily pg with dc and she dident want you to be upset about what you might see.

Aeroflotgirl Tue 25-Nov-14 14:39:55

Op people don't know when the end will be, in her last weeks, gran wanted to go to Spain and go home. This we knew was impossible, she was terminal and in a very poor state of health.

TheGirlAtTheRockShow Tue 25-Nov-14 14:41:02

I'm sorry for your loss.
In my experience people can rally and appear to get better before they rapidly deteriorate and pass away. You say she was talking about coming home the day before, so this could be what happened.
The LCP has had a lot of bad press in recent years - people blaming it for deaths rather than seeing it as a tool to help people who are already dying. Is this how you see it? Could this be one of the things you are struggling with?
I think some counselling, or discussing chain of events with the care providers involved could be helpful to you.

Aeroflotgirl Tue 25-Nov-14 14:41:15

Mabey ask her Dr to go through her notes if possible and see if she consented to it.

MagratsHair Tue 25-Nov-14 14:45:33

I'm so sorry for your loss Fizzie

From reading this it sounds as though the decision was entirely your mum's & she felt it was the right thing to do at the time. I have lost my mum as well who didn't get to meet my DS2 but when I feel angry or bitter (as I still do sometimes) I remind myself that I was not in the pain she was enduring & I was not living in the condition she was, & although it would have been nice for her to see him then she had to be the one to make the decision to end her life as that at least allowed her to keep her dignity & she had the final say of when to leave.

Its so hard & I'm wishing you strength but take courage in that she still had control of her life at the end & that the hospital staff were abiding by her wishes & they could not do anything more.

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