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to not let my mum take my DS with her?

(31 Posts)
ivybee Tue 25-Nov-14 11:38:10

My mum stays abroad (country where I grew up). She phoned me last night to say my DS (currently 9months) should be christened next year. I've agreed previously we will christen him even though neither me or my DH are religious. However, due to financial reasons and other holidays already booked we won't be able to go to the country where I grew up at least not next year.

My mum then says she will come and take my DS and take him back to hers and christen him...what? I said to her that that won't happen without me and my DH. This really pissed me off.

She has previously said about how she will take our DS on skiing holidays once he is 4 and how he will spend his summer holidays at their house. I realise this is quite a nice gesture. However, she's never actually asked us or suggested it as an idea, just stated it as a fact.

My mum is a bit of a bully, she doesn't have any patience, she always finds something to argue with my dad about, and I don't have many happy childhood memories because of that.

I don't want my DS to experience any of it. I'm happy for them to visit us (which they do every 2-3 months) or we visit them, but I don't want my mum to just take our DS and go places for weeks at a time.

AIBU?

OwlCapone Tue 25-Nov-14 11:41:52

Not unreasonable in the slightest.

Although you might want to reconsider the summer holiday thing once he is a stroppy teen.

LadyLuck10 Tue 25-Nov-14 11:42:57

Yanbu and don't feel bad for it. What she is suggesting is ridiculous. Just set her straight.

Nabootique Tue 25-Nov-14 11:43:16

YANBU. No one wants to be parted from their child for weeks at a time! And a christening is very much a family thing, I would say (have never had/given my child one), so for you to not be there is ridiculous! Is she very religious herself? That's the only reason I might be able to understand why she feels it is urgent, but even so he's your child!

BigbyWolf Tue 25-Nov-14 11:45:19

Wow! Who does she think his mother is, you or her?
You are definitely not being unreasonable!
I would just tell her none of the things she has 'stated as fact' are going to happen (unless you and your Dh want them to).
Also, if you don't want to have your Ds christened, don't do it! It's not her choice at all!
My dc's are not christened and me and my Dh couldn't give two hoots what anyone else thinks. We would not have christened them to keep my parents or his happy.

Aliennation Tue 25-Nov-14 11:54:31

Every time she comes out with these suggestions just say 'that won't be happening'. Repeat ad infinitum. And perhaps a gentle reminder that you, as your child's parent, will decide how his summers are spent.
I don't think, as an atheist you can have your child christened (and why would you?), it involves promising to raise them with the Christian faith (which you won't be).
I remember a relative of mine being appalled I wasn't having ds christened. She did give me a good laugh though when she suggested I should 'just in case'!

AlpacaLypse Tue 25-Nov-14 11:58:50

Don't have your ds christened just to keep your mum happy. Do it only if you want.

RedToothBrush Tue 25-Nov-14 12:00:22

Why on earth do you even need to ask this?

ivybee Tue 25-Nov-14 12:09:36

Thanks all and yes I had my doubts re christening and you've confirmed I shouldn't do it. Thank you

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Tue 25-Nov-14 12:11:06

My Nan had something done to me by a Priest when I was about ten. Not sure what it was...he put something on my head though.

Am I a Catholic then?

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Tue 25-Nov-14 12:11:19

My Mum still doesn't know...

SuburbanRhonda Tue 25-Nov-14 12:17:34

OP, what does your DM mean by "christened"?

Does she mean baptised into a faith? If so, I think it should really be your faith too, unless you wait till your DS is old enough and wants to do it for himself.

If it's a "non-religious naming ceremony", you can do that yourself. You don't have to go abroad for it.

In fact, how great would that be when she brings up the subject again - to tell her you've already done it grin

ivybee Tue 25-Nov-14 12:17:46

Haha clawhands that made me laugh, although I'd be raging if my mother did that to DS...

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Tue 25-Nov-14 12:18:23

ivy grin

It was unintentional! I read it back and saw how it sounded!

ivybee Tue 25-Nov-14 12:19:12

Suburban - that was my DH's response to all this as a joke...I'm actually considering it

BlueGreenHazelGreen Tue 25-Nov-14 12:23:41

Ivybee - it may depend on your denomination but in my church the Parent's promise to raise the child within the Christian family is key. So Whipping the baby off without the parents wouldn't make sense.

If you don't want to Christen your child then don't it's your choice.

Some people are quite happy for GPs to take their children off on holidays so it isn't a completely unreasonable thing to suggest as a request. However it isn't your mother's decision to make. I certainly wouldn't be sending my DC skiing with their GPs at 4 yo and in fact still don't want my children going away without me at 6 yo.

Stand firm and put the baby's passport well out of the way

SuburbanRhonda Tue 25-Nov-14 12:24:51

I'm speaking from the viewpoint of someone who was baptised into the Catholic church as a non-consenting infant, then finding out that that meant I was Catholic forever, despite my views as an adult sad

AMumInScotland Tue 25-Nov-14 12:43:24

Just keep saying "No, that doesn't suit us" or similar, until you get fed up and then switch to "Mother, this is my child, not yours, you don't get to make those decisions" if she is unable to take hints.

And, as others have said, make your own choice about baptism - the ceremony has the parents and godparents saying they intend to raise the child in the faith, and hope to bring them to be confirmed in due course. If that's not true, then there's no benefit to standing in church and saying it.

OhFrabjousDay Tue 25-Nov-14 12:46:05

SuburbanRhonda - I have very little experience with organised religion, but surely you decide whether you're catholic or not? How can having water splashed on your head as a child mean anything if you choose not to call yourself catholic? Someone asks - are you catholic? And you say - no. That's all there is to it isn't it?

NormaStits Tue 25-Nov-14 12:52:02

If she tries to pull the 'just in case' card, list all the other faiths you can think of and their naming/initiation ceremonies and ask when she'll be free to fit them all in, just in case it's one of them who correctly guessed the God thing! :D

Nanny0gg Tue 25-Nov-14 12:54:44

Doesn't matter what she suggests re your DS going to her house abroad.

You will hold his passport.

Just ignore.

MaryWestmacott Tue 25-Nov-14 13:04:24

I think this will all come under the banner of "thanks but no thanks" - perhaps say "oh, I wouldn't be happy for DS to go away without me until he's a teenager."

A 'naming ceremony' would be nice if you aren't religious, can you arrange one when your mum's next over? Invite any or all of your family from your old country, if they don't come, that's not a problem, you invited them.

Treat it as it was a celebration of a new baby with the family on both sides. Not often you get everyone together other than weddings, funerals and baptisms. If your mum takes your DS to her own church to be baptised, your PIL will miss out on that (and most athiests I know, while not being fussed about the church bit, enjoy the family occasion, particularly the 'champers and cake in the afternoon' elements...)

AMumInScotland Tue 25-Nov-14 13:28:17

OhFrabjousDay - I know that at least some Roman Catholics believe that baptism indelibly marks you, so that you are always a Roman Catholic to some extent even if you never choose to identify with that faith.

That's different from protestant belief about infant baptism, where it is more of a conditional promise made by the parents and godparents.

ivybee Tue 25-Nov-14 13:49:11

Thanks all. I think naming ceremony sounds brilliant and means both sides of family will be included.
Also, great suggestions re the passport, I will carry it with me next time she's over gringringrin(I'm only half joking)

Aeroflotgirl Tue 25-Nov-14 14:03:06

No no no what planet is pyour mum on. My DH parents are Italian and very religious and would never suggest such a thing. They waited until we were ready to Baptise the dc, not take them to their own cou try at 9 months old!

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