To feel betrayed by DH over this?

[Funkmouse]

Regular, name changed. I'm hoping you can all offer me some perspective here...

I'd asked DH to print some forms off for me at work last night because our printer was on the blink. I went through his work bag to find them this morning and happened to find a pouch of tobacco, lighter and rolling papers in there. My heart sank. I wasn't quite sure how to react or feel at that moment in time tbh.

DH knows how much I loathe smoking and exactly why I don't like it but worse than that, he knows how much I hate lying even more. We've always (or at least I thought so...) had a very open and honest marriage. I can say hand on heart I've never hidden anything from him and I thought he was the same. The smoking is a problem but it's not the main problem here, the biggest issue for me is that he's hidden it from me- that's why I feel so betrayed and let down. I feel stupid for not realising as well and a bit embarrassed that his colleagues all know something about him that I, his wife, didn't- like I was the last to find out sort of thing. I don't know! It's not a nice feeling though and now I'm concerned that if it was so easy for him to hide this from me what else could he have hidden over the years?

I confronted him about it and he said he started a few months ago because he was stressed at work and was using it as a coping mechanism . But that once this pouch is finished he'll quit and never have another. I don't believe him. My trust in him has lowered drastically...

Another thing is he's been really stroppy the past few months, very much on edge and gets angry at the most ridiculous things. I've been walking on eggshells around him, definitely not how I want to live. When I asked him what was up he always blamed work or the DC or even me! I now think it was withdrawal from the fags because he was unable to have them at home. It all makes sense now...

I'm struggling to just let it slide tbh. Like I say, the biggest problem isn't the smoking although I really do not like it, it's the fact he's lied to me and now I feel I can't trust him. So Aibu? Am I overreacting? Should I just let it go? I'll be grateful for a proverbial slap around the face right now to snap me out of it if that's what's necessary .

[WorraLiberty]

Why do you think he felt the need to hide it from you?

If he had been honest, would your reaction have been sympathetic or angry?

[EnchanciaAnthem]

He shouldn't have lied but honestly - would you have been really hard on him if he'd have told you? I am very honest, but if I was doing something perfectly legal and I was 'told off' about it I'd be very pissed off. How would you have reacted if he'd said 'I'm smoking again'? I'm sorry you're so upset though, feeling betrayed is never nice/

[Bowlersarm]

I'm sorry youre upset OP but I think you're sounding more like his mother than his partner.

I dislike smoking too, but I would hate to think DH would have to hide something like that from me because he felt he couldn't talk to me about it.

[UterusUterusGhali]

Unless you asked him outright and he denied it he hasn't really been lying.

I can see why he didn't tell you.

He's a grown man.

[googoodolly]

I am sorry, but he is an adult and you really can't police him when he's doing something legal, and I think from your post on here you wouldn't have been understanding if he'd came out and told you straight.

What do you want from this? I mean, would you really end an otherwise good relationship over smoking? Or do you want him to stop? Because smokers won't quit unless they're ready, so any pressure from you will be like flogging a dead horse unless he really wants to do it.

Now you've found out, what do you want to happen? YANBU to feel betrayed at the dishonesty but I'm not sure where you want to go from here?

[Funkmouse]

Yeah I hate the fact he's felt he had to hide it from me too... I don't get angry often at all, I definitely wouldn't have lost it with him! I can't say I'd have been overly pleased either but I'd have dealt with it a lot better than having to find out for myself.

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

Can he get an e-cigarette thing as a compromise?

I assume he hid it because he was ashamed/worried about your reaction. Whilst I don't condone that, I can see why he did it. It wouldn't be a marriage breaker or even much of a conversation for me.

IMO YABU with the reaction, but not being U about smoking.

[Funkmouse]

Yeah that's the thing really, I'm obviously not going to end the marriage over this and I realise smoking is perfectly legal... so I'm not sure where to go from here. Like I say, it's how easily he's hidden it from me that's got to me most of all not the fact it's smoking. Just feel a lot of distrust I didn't have before.

[bodhranbae]

He's stressed out.
You need to get to the bottom of what is wrong.
Perhaps time for some tea and sympathy rather than an ear-bashing about him smoking.
"Betrayal" seems a bit OTT - and a bit controlling.

[WorraLiberty]

Yes but it's not affecting you, is it?

I mean, I take it you can't smell it or anything if you found out this way, and he's obviously doing it in private?

Still, it's out in the open now so if he really wants to give up, perhaps you could turn your anger into support?

Do you think he would consider buying an E.Cig? There are many threads on here about them that you could show him...if he's ready to give up.

[bodhranbae]

Oh come on. He hasn't been sneaking off to brothels he's just had a crafty fag. Not really a massive breach of trust is it?

[googoodolly]

Maybe you need to sit down and both have a calm conversation about it? Explain to him that the lying hurts more than the actual smoking, and maybe see what you both want to do now?

[WorraLiberty]

Would you feel betrayed if he was secretly binge eating and you'd found a ton of wrappers stashed away?

[Funkmouse]

I'm not really angry, that's the thing. I didn't shout and scream at him or anything. I just made it clear that I was really upset he'd not told me sooner and I'd had to find out for myself.

He does have a nicotine free e cig as weird as that sounds, he bought it about a year ago to 'combat stress' but hasn't really used it that much. I obviously would much prefer he use one of those!

And we've been talking a lot lately about his stress at work, he's looking at getting a new job in the new year and I've tried helping him out as much as I could, doing things so he has to do as little as possible etc. I obviously don't want him to be stressed out... He refuses to go to the doctor though, I did ask if he thought that may be worthwhile but he said absolutely not.

[madsadbad]

I don't like people that lie, I also don't want that in my relationship.

The only big thing I have ever lied about (by omission) within my ten year relationship is when I started smoking again
I had one, which turned into another which turned into another, which turned into buying 10 packs as I WAS going to stop, which turned into buying the 20 packs.
I am a very strong person, my weakness is smoking, I feel ashamed and embarrassed a cigarette has such control over me.

Yes you are quite right to be pissed off.

[WorraLiberty]

He needs an E.Cig with nicotine then.

[WooWooOwl]

I think feeling betrayed is a bit out if proportion to what's actually happened. If your DH wants to smoke then that's up to him, you don't have the right to try and prevent him from doing something perfectly legal just because you don't like it.

Think about why he hid it from you. He's not going to invite you to be upset and disappointed is he? Accept him for his flaws and weaknesses as well as his good points, and there won't be anything he feels the need to hide.

[Funkmouse]

I'll ask him if he'll get the nicotine e cig then, see what he thinks. We did sit down with a cup of coffee today and talk through it. I understand the kind of pressure he's under at work atm and the pressure we've both been under in general lately. I do sympathise with him, just wish he'd have maybe told me about it sooner or not turned to smoking for relief, found something else. I don't know!

[Funkmouse]

I didn't know this was a weakness or flaw though! I had no idea he smoked at all... I accept his other flaws and love him all the same. I love him no less today than I did yesterday, I just don't appreciate being lied to albeit through omission.

[Ledkr]

I gave up smoking years ago but still have one or two on my work days.
My job is very stressful and it's my way of not quitting.

[WorraLiberty]

It's not a flaw, but he obviously has a weakness for nicotine.

It's a very addictive substance.

[googoodolly]

It's not really a flaw, it's an addiction. Nicotine is REALLY addictive and once you're hooked, it's really hard to give up. DP smokes and he's tried to quit several times but it's not easy. I've seen how antsy and angry and frustrated he gets without it - giving up really isn't that easy.

I think, knowing how much you hate it, he decided it would be easier to hide it from you, and it probably also meant he could deny it being a problem. Now you know, he's going to have to confront it and deal with it, which is probably what he's been trying to avoid.

[PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange]

From experience you should have just put the tobacco back and not said anything.

When I have been found out by DH to be smoking again, I just smoke more. I hide the smoking as I know he doesn't like it.

The reason I didn't tell him is because it's my body, it my money and I don't have to share every detail of my life with him. I married him because I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but that doesn't mean he has the right to know every last detail of my life.

[Shedwood]

Well he is an adult and he can do what he likes BUT if he has health insurance where he's put he's a non-smoker he will have invalidated it, so he may as well either stop paying his policy fees or inform them that he's started smoking (if he gets a smoking-related illness/dies a smoking-related death believe me they WILL find out and you and your DC will get nothing).

It would also be sensible for him to go and get a health check.

Perhaps realising the cost implications of his deception (huge increase in health insurance cover) plus a GP telling him he's an idiot for putting his health at risk will make him see sense.

[Funkmouse]

Shedwood this is actually a very valid point. He's already lied to the dentist about it, he's also been lying to the life insurance company because he hasn't altered it. The cost would drastically increase if he was honest about it to them. We took the policy out last year and he claims he only started "a few months ago" but yes, it does have other implications like that... The more I've been mulling over it, the more I've thought about things like this.

I was tempted to put it back and not mention it piper but I guess it was such a shock I wasn't quite sure how to react and I'd be sitting here still feeling how I feel, it would probably be obvious to him something was up and I'd have to tell him I knew. I find it difficult to hide anything from him, that's just how we've always been with each other. Perhaps too honest by some peoples standards but that's what I thought worked for us, being completely open and honest about everything. Now I can see that isn't the case.

I only said the flaw comment, btw, as a response to woowoo who said I should accept all of his flaws. I do else I wouldn't have married him. I just didn't realise he was so good at hiding things... He's masked the smell remarkably well!