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Please help me cope with this

(68 Posts)
Rissolesfortea Sun 23-Nov-14 21:50:28

Not sure if this is the right place for this but here goes. Sorry if this is long but didn't want to drip feed.

When my youngest DD's marriage broke up I moved 300 miles from the rest of my family down here to help her out. I helped look after her 2DS whilst I was working full time, I then met and married my DH. We took them on days out, to EuroDisney etc and cared for them out of school time.

She eventually remarried and had another child, I took early retirement and looked after this child while my DD worked. I bought all toys, food, safety equipment etc with no payment from DD which I was happy to do. My DGG and I had a lovely bond and I love her very much. I still cared for the others when required.

In the meantime I fell out with one of my DS's and my DD took it upon herself to have no contact with him also. In time me and DS made up and all of my family came here for a holiday. We had a great time and DGD got to meet and enjoy time with her cousins. We all went out for a family meal and I hoped the hatchet would be well and truly buried. After the meal I said I would like a photo of all of us as it was rare we would all get together but said DD refused.Probably wrong of me but I said if she couldn't do that one thing for me then I wouldn't look after DGD the next day. She stormed out and told me to "get out of town".

After this DD deleted me off fb and wouldn't have anything to do with me and because my DH and me know no one else down here we decided to move back to where the rest of our family live.

We have now sold our house and are hoping to move in the new year but DD is blaming me for everything and wont let me see my DGC. I have christmas presents for them and I am heartbroken that I wont see them again and dont know what to do.

I have tried to talk to DD and told her how much I love them all but she just throws everything back in my face. I know that my DGD is missing us and I feel so sad that she is not able to see us anymore.

What can I do?

notagainffffffffs Sun 23-Nov-14 21:54:29

What did your ds do? If its something really awful or criminal I can see how she would want no contact. It must hurt very very much though

Suefla62 Sun 23-Nov-14 21:57:15

Sound like you're both a pair of children, throwing ultimatums left and right. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face. Can't tell you what to do because until you both act like adults no telling what's going to happen.

Rissolesfortea Sun 23-Nov-14 21:59:58

Tbh I cant remember what my DS did, it was obviously something trivial but we are ok now, it was nothing to do with DD though.

Rissolesfortea Sun 23-Nov-14 22:01:16

I have tried to be the adult and apologise but she wont back down.

Waltonswatcher Sun 23-Nov-14 22:02:59

You can't remember?!

Rissolesfortea Sun 23-Nov-14 22:04:27

It was a good few years ago!

HedgehogsDontBite Sun 23-Nov-14 22:05:35

If you genuinely want to resolve things with your DD why are you clearing off to the other side of the country the minute you fall out?

Quitelikely Sun 23-Nov-14 22:09:25

Does she not like having her picture taken or did she not want to be in the picture with her brother?

I'm not sure that you have forgotten what he did. Surely a mother doesn't fall out with her fault child and forget why?

seesensepeople Sun 23-Nov-14 22:09:29

Actually I find it strange that you are blaming your daughter for your choice to move house "because my DH and me know no one else down here we decided to move back to where the rest of our family live. "
Either your chronology is out or I've seriously misunderstood - you moved down there, had time to meet and marry a new DH, your DD had time to remarry and have another child and yet you "know no one else".
And why were you punishing you DGD to spite your DD? " I said if she couldn't do that one thing for me then I wouldn't look after DGD the next day"
Sorry but you've made yourself sound a bit silly.

Quitelikely Sun 23-Nov-14 22:11:26

Your threat was quite controlling and very big with both financial implications and emotional ones. Having said that she, IMO is using the child as a stick to beat you with. Unfortunately there is not a lot you can do about that. You have swallowed your pride but she is having none of it.

Rissolesfortea Sun 23-Nov-14 22:16:57

I left work to care for my DGS so lost touch with workmates, my DH works from home so has no contact with colleagues, its very hard to make friends as we have no social life apart from with DD and her family. Also moving back would mean more contact with my other DGC who I feel I have neglected by moving here.

Yes, I was being cruel to my DGG but it was a spur of the moment thing and I thought after all the things I had done for their family they could have done a small thing for me. Silly, maybe but I have apologised and I dont think my DD is being fair to her DC by making them lose a big part of their family by something so silly.

JustWantToBeDorisAgain Sun 23-Nov-14 22:21:00

I'm very sorry for the situation you now find yourself in but your dd is not at fault.

She has learnt this behaviour from you, you say you cut your son off, for what sounds like a minor indiscretion if you can't remember the reason! To stop speaking to my dc I would have to have a substantial reason that I would certainly remember. Your dd thinks this is a normal way to behave within the family, only it's not quite so clear cut when you are on the other end of it?

You have chosen to move from your current home ( where you have lived for some years but failed to interact and make friends ( again not your dd's fault).

I think you need to wait for your dd to see if she comes round. Make the most of your life and maybe create a memory box / savings for your dgc , if they do come to find you in the future you ca show that they were never forgotten.

Rissolesfortea Sun 23-Nov-14 22:22:38

OK, I'm willing to accept that its all my fault. I left most of my friends and family to help her out. She has had free child care for 8 years, I love my DGC and I want to be able to see them.

I just want all my family to be friends and to be able to see them all, its not my fault they live so far away and I cant split myself in two and be in two places at once.

LadyLuck10 Sun 23-Nov-14 22:22:56

I too can't believe that you would forget what you fell out with your son over. It seems like you need to sit down and talk to your dd. She does come across as extreme though, going nc with her brother for reasons not concerning her and then cutting all contact with you.

NotOneThingbutAnother Sun 23-Nov-14 22:25:29

When your DD stopped talking to your DS, she was taking your side, I presume? So that was something she did, for you. No wonder then, when you decide its all happy families again, that she was upset. Madness for you to sell your house because she wouldn't have a photo with her brother! I can see that you have been kind to your DD over the years. I would have rather thought that you were kind to her primarily because she IS your DD.

I can't understand it all - sorry it sounds like this has been going on across decades - how old are you all?

Fairenuff Sun 23-Nov-14 22:25:56

You cut your son off and now you can't even remember why? shock

MommyBird Sun 23-Nov-14 22:26:08

I've read this before. I'm sure it's on Gransnet.

Nelehwelly Sun 23-Nov-14 22:32:53

'I just want all my family to be friends'

Then stop falling out with them over things so trivial that they apparently slip your mind, throwing ultimatums around willy-nilly, and using your grandchildren as pawns in your little games.

Though to be honest, I'm not sure I actually believe that people behave like this. An awful lot doesn't add up here, not least having made no friends in 8 years, your husband having no friends either despite (I presume) living in that area before he met you, and cutting your son over done thing that has now slipped your mind. hmm

Nelehwelly Sun 23-Nov-14 22:34:07

/cutting your son off over something

(Apologies for typos)

Rissolesfortea Sun 23-Nov-14 22:34:40

Yes Mommy I did post this on gransnet. it was a while ago then and it has got worse since then. I didn't fall out with my DS it was the other way round. I'm not sying that I have never made mistakes as a parent but bringing up 4 DC on your own is very hard and no one can say they have never made mistakes.

Thank you for the ones who have seen it from my POV and not blamed me entirely, we are not perfect but I am willing to accept that and try and make amends, I just wish everyone could appreciate the efforts I am trying to bring my family together.

seesensepeople Sun 23-Nov-14 22:35:44

Sorry Rissoles but I think there's more to this than you're telling.
I am NC with one of my children - I know why, they know why and I have encouraged my other children to make their own minds up.

You cannot live your life through your children ("I left most of my friends and family to help her out" and "we have no social life apart from with DD and her family") and then expect them to be forever in your debt ("I thought after all the things I had done for their family they could have..." and "She has had free child care for 8 years").

Sounds like you're moving away now anyway so I suggest you send your DGC a book or other gift and tell them you will be happy to hear from them at any time. Tell your DD you love her and look forward to seeing her and her family soon.

Set the example and don't play family members off against each other.

Fairenuff Sun 23-Nov-14 22:36:56

"In the meantime I fell out with one of my DS's..."

"I didn't fall out with my DS..."

Make your mind up OP!

Rissolesfortea Sun 23-Nov-14 22:38:01

I moved here knowing no one, I had just met my DH prior to moving here and he moved to be with me so we knew no one. Due to childcare arrangements and being so much older than most of the school run it was difficult to make friends.

DorisIsALittleBitPartial Sun 23-Nov-14 22:38:59

If your DD was still upset, why did she go for the meal with your DS?
It sounds to me like she feels she had your back when you fell out with DS but that you have turned yours on her now you have made it up with him.

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