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to ask strangers on mumsnet for advice as I have no-one to talk to in RL...

(3 Posts)
teaandcakesagoodmummakes Sun 23-Nov-14 19:53:20

I am so upset this evening and feeling quite low, my husband and I are going through a bad patch at the moment. We have a 7 and 4 year old, both work, him full time, me part time (27 hrs), although a lot more unpaid at home ( one source of tension). We have no family support, my mom and dad live close by but they find it too hard work to babysit the kids and see it as a hassle, even though they say they are lovely and she loves them she doesnt want to be very involved with me or us a family unless it suits her. (this upsets me). We are both feeling down from a lack of 'us' time and finding family life hard. My husband refuses to hire a babysitter as will only leave the kids with someone we completey trust. My brother is having the kids overnight for us for his chrsitmas do, which I am greatful for and looking forward to but it is only really an annual thing. Anyway, today things came to a head today, he snipes a lot of me and I take it as crtitism, he opened the cupboard and I had put a carrier bag in there empty (in a rush, I actually dont know why I did!) and he just went off on one about how I am a slob (I'm not), after a weekend of putting up with little digs I retaliated and said 'well when are you going to move the pile of crap in the corner of the kitchen', he just blew a gasket and started chucking it all outside, once he saw it upsetting our 4 year old he stopped and stormed off to bed and hasnt been down since 5.30, I have just put kids to bed and ignored him. I am so angry as the stuff has been there since April, apparently there is no room in his shed to put it (tools, paint, general crap) until he can clear the shed out, a few months ago he decided he needed to re-build the shed first so that has took lots of weekends of him doing that leaving me on my own with kids and yet it is still there! Yes I am nagging now as want the house to look nice for Christmas and am slowly trying to decorate and tidy up. He also makes me feel rubbish for not contributing much financially, I returned to work 6 months ago (we both decided I would stay at home after our 2nd because childcare cost too much). I re-trained last year as an early years practioner and became employed at our local pre-school, which is ideal for me as its in walking distance of my house and childrens school (I dont drive) and I get school holidays off although unpaid. It is minimum wage and I dont get paid for planning, learning journeys and time spent at home which is annoying to him (and me but I am looking at it as a start), he is always saying whenver I say 'oh please dont spend too much when you go out tonight', like last night he went out for a few and spent 40 quid (he doesnt do this often) but we are just starting to get ourselves straight, he retorts 'well get a better job then that pays more'. If im working when he comes home he just moans about it. I feel like im drowning with work, housework, kids homework, hobbies, sodding christmas pegs I've just quickly had to do and organising christmas. He does work hard at work and he takes our daughter to her hobby on a saturday and picks her up and he did clean the oven saturday but its always begrudgingly and usually followed with ' I need to get on with my shed'. Sorry this is a rant, my head is so fuzzy and I am crying as I write this. I have friends but I suppose I put on a happy exterior and dont want to ring anyone up and be negative as a lot of them have their own problems (new baby, divorce etc). Not really sure what I am expecting, maybe some advice on how I can improve things..

happybunny2014 Sun 23-Nov-14 20:45:42

OP, you're DH sounds a bit of a git at times. I hate the "he works hard" stuff and you don't?! And the get a better job remark?! I'd have told him to naff off. I worked as a TA and know how little you're paid and how much you do at home which is unpaid and yes, fucking annoying but you do it as part of the job. Do you enjoy your job btw??

I can sort of understand him wanting a trusted person to look after the kids as it is nice to have them in the care of a person you know well but may be once in a blue moon it would be good to get someone in to do it, do a background check etc to put his mind at ease may be? Depends how happy you are to pay someone to do it? I can see why your parents attitude would be a bit upsetting but they probably view it as they've had their time looking after kids and don't want to do it now, my MIL is the same and it fucked me off until I decided it's best to have my DD looked after by people who WANT to do it and don't see it as hassle.

All I can suggest is you try and sit him down and discuss things as calmly as possible with him and how you feel some of his remarks and attitude are very much unwelcome as you are doing your bloody best with what you have and are trying to provide for the family as best you can. Good luck with it all flowers

BuzzardBird Sun 23-Nov-14 20:56:40

I would say "you can either do this thing as a team or we can see how it works out doing it individually". It's his choice, it is either 50/50 as a couple or 50/50 separately (when you would get a break too)

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