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To think there's no good reason for DH to do this?

(37 Posts)
hesgonenow Sun 23-Nov-14 18:47:17

My husband left about 5 weeks ago, just before my birthday. There had been a lot of arguing, I felt he was abusive and he said I was. I have post natal depression and have seen the GP about it and been referred to a CPN and for counselling/CBT.

DH has said repeatedly, often during rows/when in very upset, that he doesn't love me. However, we have agreed to go to counselling and try and save the marriage. He visits most days to see the DC/help with bedtimes and usually has dinner here. Sometimes he leaves straight after that, sometimes he stays a while.

He occasionally asks if I want a hug, sometimes gives me a quick 'peck' as he leaves. He's never been overly affectionate. He says he's a angry and hurt, but I'm not sure if he is deliberately withholding affection to 'teach me a lesson'.

He went out last night with some friends. It turned out their wives went too and he mentioned it when he got here at lunchtime today. I said I felt a bit upset as I hadn't been invited and although I was upset, I was just taking to him, not arguing or anything. He told me to 'stop fucking going on' to which I replied taking to me like that wasn't likely to help and he then got up and left. His phone has been turned off since. I've sent a few texts, at first just saying I didn't wasn't to argue and to come back and we could just enjoy the day with the DC. Then just to say I was a little worried and could he please let me know he's ok.

He was upset when he left, he looked close to tears and although turning his phone off or ignoring me is typical behaviour, not for this long. He lives at his work and his car isn't there and he hadn't got much money or anywhere else to go.

I'm not sure what to think tbh.

mouselittle Sun 23-Nov-14 18:54:48

If you are separated (albeit as a trial/ temporarily) I don't see why he would invite you to the night out.

hesgonenow Sun 23-Nov-14 19:00:10

I suppose so. Although originally boba's also going out with a friend and he'd suggested meeting up for a drink. He has also invited me to his work Christmas party.

Tbh, I can't really think straight at the moment. I'm concerned that a) something has happened to him as he has mentioned suicide before and b) that he is having an affair, although as said, I'm not thinking straight at the moment and I am extremely anxious/paranoid a lot of the time.

vanessalightyear Sun 23-Nov-14 19:06:03

I think you are going to need to firm up living arrangements so he can't just be popping in and out, and so you're not giving him the opportunity to talk to you like that.

ihatethecold Sun 23-Nov-14 19:08:39

He is just sulking. Let him get on with it.
I have to say your boundaries seem very blurred which must be confusing for you both.

AnyFucker Sun 23-Nov-14 19:10:56

I would just ignore him, tbh

Are you together or are you not ? Socialising as a couple and attending Xmas parties together ? I don't get it

Sounds like you both need to make your mind up what you want

Only1scoop Sun 23-Nov-14 19:15:45

Are you separated and attending the counselling together?

I don't understand really why you would be invited out by him.... The lines seem a little blurred?

socially Sun 23-Nov-14 19:17:18

Are you separated or not?

You need to define some clear boundaries.

If you're not together then it's really not usual to be hugging and pecking in the cheek. Inviting you as a plus one when you've split up is just odd tbh.

WooWooOwl Sun 23-Nov-14 19:20:45

It sounds like you are both finding things incredibly difficult at the moment, and it could just be that as your curry arrangement is that you're not living together, your husband wants a bit of time without talking to you.

hesgonenow Sun 23-Nov-14 19:21:10

I want to make the marriage work and have made that very clear. Some of his actions indicate he wants that too, but I suspect he also enjoys pleasing himself. I have no family nearby so he knows exactly where I will be at all times and that is looking after the DC. He has had the DC for one weekend since he left, the rest of the time he sees them here or we take them out together. I suggested he have them next weekend but he didn't like that idea.

We have an appointment for a counselling 'assessment' tomorrow and then can go on a waiting list for couples counselling.

I feel very upset, hurt and confused by the whole thing and I can't work out if it is his behaviour or my mental health issues. This isn't the first time he has moved out. He usually comes back in a day or two. I think he uses it as a method of control, he says he just needs to get away. He know it upsets me and makes me extremely anxious/panicky due to my mental health issues.

ExtraVolume Sun 23-Nov-14 19:21:53

This is very typical of an abusive partner, claiming it is you being abusive, messing you around, threatening suicide, throwing you a bit of hope now and then. Is this how someone who respects you behaves?

You have to stop trying to work out what is going on in their head. What do you want? I know, trying to make it work seems like the right thing to do but what is going on right now seems mserable. It will be think about things clearly if you have less contact.

(By the way it is also typical of abusers to pull a big stunt on your birthday or other significant day, often they don't like anyone else getting attention. Ditto PND and being in an abusive relationsip)

ExtraVolume Sun 23-Nov-14 19:23:02

You can't make a marriage work on your own.

WooWooOwl Sun 23-Nov-14 19:23:43

Where would he stay with your children if he has them next weekend?

AnyFucker Sun 23-Nov-14 19:25:30

Ah, you are letting him treat you badly

Cherry picking the best bits of parenting, getting his evening meal cooked, fucking of when you raise anything as a problem

I hope the counsellor you are seeing tells you that this is not the way to "save a marriage"

Doing the Pick Me Dance, bending over backwards to keep things "nice" for him so he doesn't do one, chasing him texts while he leaves you wondering

You can't save this by yourself and making a mug of yourself is not the answer, sorry

CocktailQueen Sun 23-Nov-14 19:25:56

Sounds like he wants his cake and eats it too. Likes having his freedom but likes playing happy families when it suits HIM.

Time to man up, OP and tell him where to get off. Either he's part of the family or he's not. Sort out definite times when he can see the dc and stick to them. And get him to have them regularly on weekends so you can have free time too! Don't be a doormat.

CoolCadbury Sun 23-Nov-14 19:26:07

Get this moved to relationships as you will get a lot of support there.

If you think he is abusive, then you shouldn't really go to counselling with him. Him threatening suicide is one way of controlling you to make you feel bad and guilty. You need to firm up your boundaries for your sakes and the children as they will be all confused with all this popping over. Hopefully the counselling should help with that.

MsPavlichenko Sun 23-Nov-14 19:31:08

I think he uses it as a controlling mechanism too.

I know it is difficult, and possibly scary but try to take some control back.

He's moved out Set up firm arrangements for him to see the DC, away from your home. Stop cooking his tea. This will not only help you but be far less confusing for the DC. You might also find that you find, over time that you are far less anxious with him not there,

hesgonenow Sun 23-Nov-14 19:34:08

I just don't know what to think. I was convinced it was him that was abusive but he's somehow turned it around to be me and the CPN hasn't said anything to suggest otherwise. Maybe they wouldn't though? I have behaved horribly at times too, although I know that it is at least in part down to him.

I do know I should walk away, but I just don't think I'm in the right place to do that yet. I have very low self esteem and am hoping my counselling will help with that. If we split for good, the practicalities of that, finding a house etc all seem so challenging too. I have no network of friends, except the wives of people he knows through work (army) and my family aren't supportive. I've spoken to them since he left but they haven't phoned me once.

If he has them next weekend then he'd have to stay in a 'contact' house with them, which is where he stayed before. He has to pay a nominal amount for this which isn't he says he doesn't want to. He suggested I go away for the weekend and he have the DC here, but that would cost more and I have nowhere to go.

socially Sun 23-Nov-14 19:42:32

He needs to be paying for the contact place, he can't just say he "doesn't want to".

Have a search for SpottyPony. She was in your position last year. She got a council house back in the UK - I think her exH was stationed in Germany.

It's hard but not impossible to extricate yourself.

ExtraVolume Sun 23-Nov-14 19:43:19

You have to stop trusting his opinion. Abusers aren't going to admit it, they usually can't ever see it because of their ego, so give up on that.

Mental health professionals usually want you to come to conclusions for yourself so you can help yourself. Try Women's Aid.

You can get lots of advice on here about housing etc. Yes it sounds tough the situation you are in but getting through this and standing up for yourself will help you to get stronger (been there, got the tshirt). And you are strong, you have given birth to your children, you are surviving in this hellish situation of pnd and imploding marriage.

Coconutty Sun 23-Nov-14 19:54:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hesgonenow Sun 23-Nov-14 21:02:55

I've tried that sadly Coconutty, he's just very non committal and says he feels empty. I'd hoped the counselling would help but now I'm wondering if this is all a stunt to avoid the appointment tomorrow.

hesgonenow Mon 24-Nov-14 08:16:45

I'm getting a bit worried now. He was very upset when he left, almost in tears and his phone is still off. He would usually have it on for work purposes by now.

Coconutty Mon 24-Nov-14 08:20:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hesgonenow Mon 24-Nov-14 08:22:15

I don't have his office number, but I need to drive past on the nursery run this morning, so I'll check if his car is there. If he's in work it will be and if he's not at work then something is very wrong. He would never miss work.

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