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To still feel hurt and angry towards mum and sister

(35 Posts)
Adizzylass2014 Sun 23-Nov-14 18:02:45

I lost my day in Dec 2008 which broke my heart. on the days running up to his death I left my home in kent and stayed with my mum in the hospital in London leaving dp at home with 3 dc one of who has SN.
The doctor told me that dad didn't have long but dp was frantic as the children were missing me terribly.
so the Tuesday I decided to go home for the night and go back Wednesday evening. In the morning I got the phone all that dad didn't have long at all so I had friends rally round and get dc from various parts of town and bil came down to take us to London, dropped kids at mil and raced to the hospital knowing I was too late and I was and completely fell apart. That night at mums I overheard mum and sister botching about me saying I shouldn't have gone home, I was devastated at what they said and haven't been able to get past it. I was so torn, dad dying and family needing me.
AIBU to still be hurting even after all this time? I hate Xmas and have mum this year, I feel so bitter and don't know how to get past this it is still so raw and hurts so much. sorry I didn't intend this to be so long.

Adizzylass2014 Sun 23-Nov-14 18:03:20

lost my dad not day

HugeFurryKnittingBalls Sun 23-Nov-14 18:08:08

It's terrible when you're so torn. When my mum was dying I had to make a snap decision whether or not to stay in her city for an unspecified amount of time (could have been a day or a week or longer) or to return to my home city over 300 miles away. I simply couldn't make the decision and a Macmillan nurse came to talk to me and reminded me that my first priority had to be towards my own nuclear family (kids were junior age then).

As it happened I had to catch a flight back a few days later and only just got there in time but what the Macmillan nurse said was absolutely right. You couldn't have known that he would die when he did and when you have kids you simply can't just put everything on hold indefinitely.

Bearbehind Sun 23-Nov-14 18:11:53

Sorry for you loss OP.

How has your relationship been with your Mum and Sister been since then?

Are you bottling up your resentment or do you have a bad relationship with them?

If it's the former then they might not know how much they hurt you. They were grieving at the time too and maybe said things they didn't really mean.

Can you talk to them about it?

Adizzylass2014 Sun 23-Nov-14 18:12:24

Thank you, I didn't look at it like that.

LineRunner Sun 23-Nov-14 18:15:50

We're they really bitching, or expressing regret you'd gone home overnight?

Bearbehind Sun 23-Nov-14 18:16:10

Death and guilt are a horrible combination but you aren't at fault for what happened.

Six years of feeling like this must have been hell.

I hope you can try and make your peace with them.

Adizzylass2014 Sun 23-Nov-14 18:18:31

Our relationship is very strained, so much so I see my sister maybe twice a year and mum maybe every few months.
In a row once I said that I heard them only for my mum to say that the doctor told me to stay so I should have. I'm trying to build a relationship, this time of year is so hard, we buried him Xmas eve. The relationship is definitely not the same and now I am disabled and unwell I get very angry and push everyone away. poor dp of nearly 10 yrs is amazing but he is cross with how they have acted. I am going to try really hard this year and have bought panto tickets for everyone, I just don't know if too much has happened to make things better.

VanitasVanitatum Sun 23-Nov-14 18:21:05

A bit hard of DP to put pressure on you by being 'frantic' at a time like that.

Have you had it out with your mother and sister? Grief can do very odd things to people, maybe they were just reacting.

Poor poor you flowers

HearMyRoar Sun 23-Nov-14 18:22:15

It was clearly a difficult and emotional time for everyone involved. Your sister and mum were grieving too. In these situations people can say things they don't mean or take things to be meant hurtfully when they were not intended that way.

Have you spoken to them about it since? Maybe it is time you cleared the air and spoke to your mum about the decision you made and how hard it was for you.

Adizzylass2014 Sun 23-Nov-14 18:22:36

They were definitely bitching, i don't really give a hoot about my sister but I used to be close to mum, it's so sad and I know it is my fault and I should've been there but they don't understand.
6 years of feeling like this has definitely taken its toll, i'm surprised i'm not single.

Bearbehind Sun 23-Nov-14 18:25:12

dizzy I don't really know how you can find closure on this but it's deeply unfair of your mum and sister to make you feel so bad about this.

What happened would have happened wherever you were- you not being by your Dad's side didn't lead to him passing.

If you can make peace with that maybe you can begin to make peace with you mum and sister.

HearMyRoar Sun 23-Nov-14 18:25:53

Sorry I cross posted. It does sound like you are having a difficult time all round. Have you considered having grief counseling at all to help you deal with your feelings around your father's death? I think you need to help yourself a bit before you can repair the relationship with your mother and sister.

Adizzylass2014 Sun 23-Nov-14 18:28:11

for a time I blamed dp and was horrible, getting drunk and then breaking down and physically lashing out at him because if it wasn't for him getting so damn stressed with this kids, one who was a baby I would've been there.
grief is a bugger and I guess I'm still grieving, they moan because I very rarely go to the cemetery.
It will be the anniversary the 10th of Dec and every year they go out and toast dad with champagne, they have never invited me and I've been driving for 2 years and only became ill last year, up until then I was very fit and active and could've easily have got the train down to london (i'm only in kent)

Adizzylass2014 Sun 23-Nov-14 18:32:00

I think you may be right, I think I should try grief counselling. Thank you for your input it is much appreciated.

Adizzylass2014 Sun 23-Nov-14 18:39:30

I wanted to design the order of service but my sister kept complaining about what I had done. In the end I had to ask the company who were making them into a little booklet to email proofs for her approval.
I gave up at that stage and told her to do it herself.
The ultimate insult was on the way back from the cemetery my cousin who my dad hated with a passion and she showed complete contempt to towards him go into the funeral car.
The more I talk the more I know that I have so many issues to deal with not to mention present problems. god its a bloody mess!

My dh is in your situation right now. We live in Scotland, and his mum lives in Hampshire. She is terminally ill with lung cancer, and is having hospice care in her own home. Luckily dh's work involves a lot of meetings in London at the moment, so he can travel down to his mum's house, and stay there at least a couple of times a week.

But although this is great, he is feeling totally torn - he is living two lives, one by his mum's sick bed, and his home life up here. His brother lives very close to his mum, so has ended up doing the biggest share of the caring/visiting etc, but he completely understands that dh needs to have some time at home, to de-stress.

It is very sad that your mum and sister can't empathise with how torn you were feeling - our dc are all older (two are away at university) and generally speaking I can cope with day-to-day life, but even so, he is feeling pretty torn between his mum's bedside and his home.

Adizzylass2014 Sun 23-Nov-14 18:47:21

Oh STDG my thoughts are with you and your dh.
Thank goodness his brother understands this,it is such a horrible feeling.
I wish you all well.

inadaydream Sun 23-Nov-14 18:52:38

I can relate to this in a way! I lost my Dad 11 years ago. I received a panic call from my Mum to say she had heard my Dad had been admitted with a heart attack. She was told though he was stable and wanted to see us.

He was in a hospital 30 miles away (specialist heart unit) so we made our way there (though not in a massive rush as we were told he was recovering from op but stable).

My mum called me at 7:30pm he had actually died before this time. My Mum received her information via my Gran who actually already knew at that point he was dead?! Turned out he had been admitted to local hospital 20 hours earlier then transferred out by ambulance for surgery ASAP. Only my Gran knew.

Why we were told after the event that he was ill but fine I will never know. And deep down I don't think I can truly forgive her for denying us the chance to say our goodbyes!

Things have surfaced since Dads death in regards to my Gran that have highlighted her as a manipulative old lady who has a twisted way about doing things. It saddens me she is not the kind old lady I remember as a child growing up but a selfish women.

I didn't have kids when I lost Dad but being in your situation I would have done the same! I will always put my children first over anyone and I feel your family's reaction/comment was unfair!

Have you told them outright how they have made you feel?

My youngest sister was travelling abroad when we lost Dad - was in Europe at the height of summer so it took four days to get her home. She has never forgiven herself for being away but no one would EVER hold that against her.

Hope you can resolve this in someway as it's hard enough this time of year for you without having to struggle with those who are meant to care!!

Am here if you want to talk x

inadaydream Sun 23-Nov-14 18:59:39

Sorry I have somehow missed half of this thread blush so hope my reply doesn't seem too odd or out of context! But what I meant to say was that death can bring out some odd behaviours from people - can bring our the best or worst in folk!!

Your family were out of order though! It's hard enough trying to tear yourself in two with what was probably one of the worst decisions you ever had to make! Just wanted to offer reassurance that people can be awful at these times but being in your shoes I would still have done the same thing flowers

Adizzylass2014 Sun 23-Nov-14 19:01:44

Oh bless you inadaydream how awful, she sounds like my dp mother. she is currently dying of the same thing that killed my dad but we don't see her. She is a very manipulative old woman. I told her that she would end up a sad lonely old woman because of the things she does and sadly all she sees now is carers 3 times a week.
I don't think they will ever forgive me and I definitely cannot forgive myself.

Hairtodaygonetomorrow Sun 23-Nov-14 19:07:08

Adizzylass I hope I am not speaking out of turn, but apparently it is quite common for people to die when their loved one has gone home for a rest, or out for a while, apparently they can 'let go' and die. So, this is a very common occurrence. It might not be the case here if your mum/sister were there but perhaps it is a thought that might comfort you- your dad 'let go' when the opportunity came.

Otherwise I think grief counselling is a good idea, it all sounds a very fraught and difficult time.

We have been told exactly that, Hairtoday.

Adizzy - thank you for your kind words - and I am so sorry for your loss. My father died suddenly in 2000 - he died in the morning, at home, but my mum waited until the evening to ring me - she wanted to time it so the boys would be in bed, and dh would be home. Unfortunately whilst she was spot on with the first, dh was over half way to London, on his way to York for a meeting the next day - so had to get off at Limehouse, turn round and come home, but my lovely friend from across the road came over with wine and kept me company 'til he got back.

My heart goes out to you because the pain of the loss is being compounded by the unkindness of your mum and sister at the time. Hopefully talking about it here will help, a bit.

{{{hugs}}}

Wh0dathunkit Sun 23-Nov-14 19:45:03

Gosh, I was about to post precisely what Hairtodaygonetomorrow just posted. My ex-mil waited until we took a break away for an evening. We didn't know precisely what her timescales were (and quite frankly it's impossible to tell whether someone's going to keep on keeping on, or call it quits), and the night away was booked about 6 months in advance.

It's not the first time it had happened within the ex's household, ex-fil sent ex-mil out on a short errand, but long enough that he could die peacefully when he knew it was time, about 20 years prior to that.

What we, as the living relatives don't seem to acknowledge is how common this is, and also, how one person's priorities are never going to be the same as anothers' - and that includes the person who is dying. I'd hope that your DF, OP, would understand that you had little ones that needed your attention (and equally, you probably benefitted greatly from the love & hugs they gave you) - my DM's side of the family sound somewhat similar to your family - goodness knows how I'm going to manage them / their expectations when the time comes. I wish you luck, and I hope that somehow you manage to ignore your DM and DSis's sniping - they don't live your life day in day out, and they quite frankly shouldn't be judging.

formerbabe Sun 23-Nov-14 19:51:47

Hindsight is a wonderful thing...I have heard many stories of people who have been sitting by hospital beds with a dying relative and decided to step out of the room for one reason or another and that is the moment their relative has passed away. Like another poster put, i have also heard the theory that the person dying 'waits' till their relative has gone so not to put them through that.

You had a really tough decision to make...so many people to consider. Your mum and sister are IMO being quite cruel to you and I wonder if they are taking out their grief and anger on you.

Sorry for your loss flowers

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