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One more baby...heart vs head

(9 Posts)
tinygrass Sun 23-Nov-14 12:09:57

Does anyone else feel conflicted over this?

I had my DC in my 20s. Always expected to have one more. Then I split with my XP, had a short relationship that ended painfully badly, then spent a long time single. I didn't want a baby on my own but I hoped I'd meet someone eventually.

Anyway then I did. He has DC too. He's not against having any more but pragmatically has pointed out we have a great life as we are (my DC are of an age where they're fairly independent, his DC will be in not too many years) and why go back to sleepless nights etc. Plus we're both quite cautious given the failures of our previous relationships, and wouldn't want a baby til we'd been together at least 2-3 years, by which time we will be approaching mid 40s so it would (probably) be too late.

I know sensibly we have a great life as we are, and 4 DC between us. But I still find myself going proper gooey over babies, and feeling sad I won't do all the baby stuff again sad

wobblyweebles Sun 23-Nov-14 12:41:22

How would your 4 DC feel if you had another baby now?

My dad and stepmum started a second when I was 8 and I spent a lot of time unable to do things I wanted to do because of the baby/toddler.

LadyLuck10 Sun 23-Nov-14 12:46:27

Yanbu to feel this way especially since you are now in a good, stable relationship. Why not give the relationship a bit more time and reassess if you still feel the same in maybe a year from now?

NoSundayWorkingPlease Sun 23-Nov-14 12:48:52

My dad and stepmum started a second when I was 8 and I spent a lot of time unable to do things I wanted to do because of the baby/toddler

Are you still 8? hmm

Plenty of people with 8 year olds go on to have another.

minidisco Sun 23-Nov-14 12:51:07

I was in similar circumstances to you, and went on to have a baby with my new husband, when my son was 11. It has been the making of my son, he absolutely adores his sister. I think that you would never regret having another child, but you would regret not having another.

tinygrass Sun 23-Nov-14 13:45:07

It's difficult isn't it?

My DC are mid teens, I don't think a new baby would bother them too much one way or another, as they are usually off doing their own thing.

My bf's DC I think might find it quite hard, as they are a lot younger. I wouldn't want them to feel pushed out by another baby.

Sensibly I know 4 DC is enough. It would be different if one of us didn't have any DC. But as we do...I don't know. We're definitely not ready to take that step yet. In another year, who knows. Of course, I am in my 40s already, so it is possibly already too late. In some ways if I knew I was no longer fertile, that would make things easier, because there would be no choice to make.

Purplepoodle Sun 23-Nov-14 14:31:59

Would you consider something like fostering?

tinygrass Sun 23-Nov-14 15:13:26

I think (though I'm happy to be corrected!) that we both work FT, and don't really have any family support would mean we wouldn't be considered. Plus don't fostered children need to have their own room? That would mean other DC having to share, not sure how they'd feel about that.

Andrewofgg Sun 23-Nov-14 16:19:02

tinygrass I know that how women feel about having a child or another child is different to how men feel (generalising wildly in both cases) so as I never have been and never will be a woman I hesitate - but I have been a child - I expect most of us have - and if fostering would mean your DC's (or his) sharing a room - don't even think about it.

And frankly, even a new half-sibling would seem like a cuckoo in the nest to whichever had to start sharing. Just not fair in a world where all or most of their friends don't have to.

HTH and that you don't mind what I know could sound male-offensive.

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