Does anyone else feel that having a baby changes your perception of everything around you(27 Posts)
I used to let people walk all over me, I realise now, and I feel that I have woken up.
I used to hide away from everything and now I am forced to confront stuff and try and be a better person. I can see people for who they really are and am much less tolerant of b*****t.
I know this is a bit random, but did anyone else feel like it was like being drenched in an ice cold bucket of water?
I know it can only be a good thing but it's like I am a different person and feel a bit confused about everything.
My ds is 12 months.
It did change me beyond recognition compared to the person I was a year or two before having DD1, but in a positive and gradual way.
Some of what you say sounds positive, like not putting up with shit any more, but being drenched in an ice cold bucket of water that's left you feeling a bit confused sounds traumatic.
You sound (understandably) shell shocked.
The consequences of not getting it right is terrifying, and having the responsibility of making sure they go right can be difficult to deal with at times, but the rewards are beyond anything I could ever have imagined.
Yea I identify with your post OP.
For example, I used to work in a nursery and was pretty confident I knew how to care for kids and secretly judged several parents in my time... Then I became one, and learned there was mummy guilt, risks like vaccines for example to weigh up, I stopped being able to just grab my coat and walk out the door - now we need several changes of clothes, potty, wipes, reins, beaker,
and the rest incl the kitchen sink before we can simply pop across the hallway to a neighbour.
And the rest. Everything totally changed.
No, I don't feel it's changed me. I feel like me with a kid. But I'm going to snoop on this thread in the future because maybe I have changed and just don't realise it.
Thanks everyone, that's reassuring!
I think that what I meant by the bucket of water description is more the waking up element.
It's made me realise how little value i used to place on myself, as now I know that my role as mum is extremely important.
But the problem is I don't believe in myself and that's something I know I have to fix in order to do the best job I can.
I had a few anxiety issues before my baby which i have been forced to live up to because its not just me anymore and now i have overcome then.
I also dont take shit and im definitely more confident.
I also have more motivation to better my life for my child and myself.
Yes. There's one of the those ecard funnies that says 'you don't scare me, I have twins'. It's so appropriate. I feel like I've got through the hardest year of my life and am more confident, and even more confrontational (I was a proper doormat before) as a result. I say what I think a lot more too, which has had varying results, but is generally positive!!
yes absolutely. I'm much more confident, much more comfortable in my own skin and much more able to stand up for myself and my beliefs (mainly with regards to raising my children but on other matters too). I now tell my MIL to stop when she does things I don't agree with, I will point out to friends if they are doing something I believe unsafe (winter coats in car seats was the last one I mentioned to a friend).
but on the other side, I struggle to watch the news, I struggle to handle any stories which involves children being hurt or treated badly (I can no longer watch ER/Casualty which I used to love). normal things make me think twice, I make sure my smears and asthma checks are up to date, I always drive so I know I wont have to get into a car with someone who thinks one drink is ok (I have a personal zero tolerance on alcohol and driving)- I HAVE to be healthy and get home in one piece and I feel that responsibility enormously.
i have found motherhoods a hugely transformative process, it has awoken the tiger in me. I used to be a walk over, people would treat me badly, but the protective instinct I have for my children has turned me into a very confident woman. Like others I also feel much more sensitive to others too, I cry watching the news, I am much more patient with others, including elderly or those with mobility problems, I am a much more patient driver.
Yes, I also felt very different after having my son. Hard to explain how, just my perspective I guess. He became the centre of what was important to me and I felt an almost physical shift away from things I previously valued.
It's interesting that several of you say you feel more confident and able to stick up for yourself, because it's had the opposite effect on me.
Whilst I feel "strong" in the sense that I have that protective instinct towards my kids - that if anyone tried to harm them I'd fight like a tiger to save them - I feel very vulnerable in other ways. At work for example - being asked to do extra, being expected to stay late if we're busy, feeling guilty because I can't always go the extra mile due to childcare responsibilities and so on. Being a working mum is quite a scary juggling act.
I also can't watch things on the news any more that involve kids. stories of child abuse always used to make me sad, but now they make me cry! I worry about getting ill myself, and I challenge any mother to watch that scene in Terms of Endearment (when she tells her kids she's dying) without sobbing!
I know what you mean. I used to be a pushover but since having DC I have a new strength. I think particularly having DC with SEN and realising I would need to fight for them for everything has really changed me.
Yanbu. I agree, though for me it was a very gradual process. I'm much more motivated now though, to provide a better life for dd and I. I'm much more patient too.
I think I've become much more cautious re money, I save more in a pension now, put a little cash into a junior isa each month for dd when she's older. I drive more carefully (responsibilities) try to eat more healthily (want to see dd grow up and grow old). The list of positives is endless.
The only negative is that i feel quite invisible career wise now, I feel my options and attractiveness to employers has reduced, largely due to having been rejected at lots of job interviews.
It's made me view my own family (parents and sisters) differently, and made me realise what an unhealthy family dynamic we had...not abusive btw, just not productive.
Having dc made me think about what upbringing I wanted them to have and it was quite surprising to realise that it was completely different to the upbringing I had.
I do feel changed, some positive, some not so.
Like some others I am more cautious with money. I am overpaying the mortgage as much as possible, I really want the damn thing gone, so I can spend that money on DC. It's not going fast enough.
The first year of having DC I felt very anxious and worried about dying. I have heard other mums saying this, guess it is the sense of responsibility. This has lessened as time passes, but I do have a strong sense of wanting to live as long as possible in order to be there for them and share DC lives.
to add, after having the DC we got organised - DH and i both made our wills, discussed gaurdians for the DC and put that in the wills, we both have life insurance policies and are paying as much as possible into a pension fund.
I feel more confident in myself in that I no longer care very much what people think of me. I used to worry and try to impress people, now I haven't got the energy or inclination. I'm perfectly happy to just shrug it off and not spend time on people I don't care about. It's very liberating.
Yes, but not necessarily in the same way. I was very anxious after DS was born, obsessively worried about everything, and became unable to watch anything remotely dark or scary on TV (including the news!) because it would prevent me from sleeping at night. It would be 4am, I'd finally have got DS to sleep and I wouldn't be able to sleep myself for worrying about the woman in India who was gang raped on the bus, or the situation in Syria... I just stopped watching the news in the end. It
gradually settled down, but then I had a late (21 week) miscarriage earlier this year which brought back the same feelings. I'm mostly ok now, but still can't shake the feeling that the world is actually a bad place, which is not something I've ever felt before (previously I've always been happy, optimistic and not worried about a great deal!). I also find myself not really caring about my job the way that I used to, which concerns me as I'm in a caring profession. All in all, not good. I love DS to bits but don't think that motherhood has affected me all that positively!
Yes. Absolutely. It's also made me more aware of little inequalities that I'd never really seen or noticed before.
Hard and confusing. I now understand why people wait to have children - I had him really young and thought that I knew it all, of course I didn't.
I find that being on constant alert is very tiring.
My mind is always racing and I have personal goals but don't know when to find the time to achieve them. Or where on earth to start. That can be very frustrating.
I hate feeling chaotic. Not that I was particularly organised before but I would love to be better at being focused.
My DS has completely turned my life around.
He is my strength, my reason, my love and my light.
Before him I was in a very dark place, struggling horrifically with anxiety and depression.
Now my shit is firmly together, he's given me strength I never thought possible.
bigbluestars 'a post sums up most of it for me. About six months into motherhood, I felt like ringing everybody I had ever been a dick to and apologising (I don't think I've ever been that horrible, just the usual stuff, being mean to my mum when she wanted the best for me etc.,) and it also made me realise how neurotic I had been. (Working on that!) I definitely think it has made me a better person, more patient, more empathetic.
However, I hadn't bargained on the nascent tiger mother within. I didn't know I would obsess over the right schools, the best reading books, the right activities, all that kind do stuff: I slightly horrify myself with how much opportunity I want for my DS. I also never knew I could be capable of extreme physical violence towards anyone who so much as harmed a hair on my child's head. (Luckily that has never proved necessary, just the awareness of the lengths I would go to to protect my DS.) And from being a hippy liberal who was anti anti anti death penalty, I now secretly think 'hang the bastards' whenever I hear about cases like April Jones. (That one in particular left me in bits for ages, I still can't read about it now, my heart breaks for her family and it makes my blood run cold.)
bertie- your post made me smile. Like Artemis, ancient Kali- mothers are not to be messed with!!
I opened this expecting to disagree but I did feel the same as this. For me I think a lot of it was before my DS I over thought things all the time which made me anxious and unsure. I just don't have the time or energy to do that now so worry less and am more decisive.
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