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To be sick of being caught in the middle of parents, dh and pil?

(53 Posts)
Hurricaneinateacup Sat 22-Nov-14 08:58:51

My parents do not like dh or my pil. It's fair. Some of the things dh has done have been pretty bad but I'm not in a position to do much about it at the moment. Pil were extremely overbearing when ds was born but have backed off now. But my parents don't like how they behaved and some of the things they've done since.

Ds (5) is in a christmas parade with his drama group in a couple of weeks. I asked my parents and my mum was really excited about it, saying we could make a day of it etc. then I told her I was asking pil too. Now she says she and my dad won't come. But how can I ask my parents and not dh's parents? For all their faults they love ds and they are his other set of grandparents. Ds will be pleased they are there.

My mum says she's really disappointed and how she was looking forward to it and she's being really off with me but what else was I supposed to do?! My mum says I shouldn't have told them but dh knows about it and ds would have told them anyway, he sees them every week. And it's not fair not to tell them, I've had my differences with them but as I said they are ds's grandparents too.

Argh. Now I feel guilty and fed up. The whole thing has been ruined for me too, will just have to look cheery for ds's sake.

Aibu to think just for an afternoon they should just put everything to one side for ds and it's not my fault that pil are coming.

ENormaSnob Sat 22-Nov-14 09:01:11

Your mum is a cow.

Let me guess, shes sensitive and everyone must pussy foot around so as not to upset queen bee.

Humansatnav Sat 22-Nov-14 09:02:23

Your dp's are being ridiculous and childlike. If they miss out its their own fault.

RubMyLamp Sat 22-Nov-14 09:03:28

Ridiculous. My Dad despises me exDP for what he did to me but he will stand and talk and be lovely because thats what is best for his grandchildren.

Hurricaneinateacup Sat 22-Nov-14 09:04:24

Good I'm glad everyone agrees. I just feel so guilty all the time. It's such hard work trying not to upset anyone.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sat 22-Nov-14 09:04:34

Of course your parents should suck it up and for one day put aside their differences for the sake of your boy.

Don't feel guilty, leave your Mum to it and if she misses the day that's her problem, not yours.

Can i ask why they despise dh and pil so much they'd cut off their noses to spite their faces?

notadoctor Sat 22-Nov-14 09:05:08

YANBU - you are trying to do the right thing by giving your DS an equal relationship with his Grandparents. It's a shame that your parents can't be grown up enough to see that. No real advice but you have my sympathies!

ResIpsaLoquitur Sat 22-Nov-14 09:05:37

Tell your mum that the only person who is causing her disappointment is her.

And don't tell her anything about what your pils do or don't do. If she doesn't know how they behave, she won't have anything to get judgmental about.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Sat 22-Nov-14 09:06:45

Depends on how bad things are and how your mum said it, I think.

My exMIL and ex SILs - if they were going to an event, no way on the face of God's green earth would I be there. Not ever.

I would just decline though, and not make a fuss.

But I personally could not cope with the thought of being in the same room as them. I'd be a wreck for days beforehand, I'd be in pieces the whole way through the thing and a wreck afterwards. It really wouldn't be worth the stress and anxiety it would cause me to be there.

Thankfully, DD is past the school parade stage.

Humansatnav Sat 22-Nov-14 09:09:54

I used to have a MIL and a SMIL. SMIL was ow ( 20 years previously) . They despised each other.
Then the gc came along, and they had to spend family times together. They were fine, as they both recognized that the hc came first.

WooWooOwl Sat 22-Nov-14 09:10:41

Your mum is the one being unreasonable here, and it's her that's forcing you to feel caught in the middle.

It's your parents choice if they want to attend the parade or not, they have no right to try and control who else you invite. Tell your Mum that you will not be excluding anyone, but that you accept that if she wants to exclude herself then you will be disappointed but respectful of her right to choose.

Humansatnav Sat 22-Nov-14 09:10:47

*gc

BeenThereGotTheTShirt Sat 22-Nov-14 09:12:25

It's such hard work trying not to upset anyone.

It was when I realised that I was concerned about everyone else's feelings but they were not really bothered about mine that I stopped trying to please everyone.

greenfolder Sat 22-Nov-14 09:24:16

i assume ( as you have mentioned it) that your parents feelings are valid? so he has done the dirty on you or similar.

i reckon you need to have a proper conversation with your parents about how you feel. You are right, they should be able to do a simple afternoon with your PIL. However, if most of your dialogue with them is how shit dp is and how unreasonable and unbearable your PIL are, then you are reaping what you sow.

KatieKaye Sat 22-Nov-14 09:38:51

YANBU - but your DM is.

this isn't about her, even if she is trying to make it so. She's trying to make you feel guilty and force you into excluding your PIL and that's manipulative. She is the one who is ruining things and it sounds as if her presence will make what should be a happy event a pretty toxic one. TBH, wouldn't things be better if she wasn't there?

I'd tell her to either come and behave decently or just to stay away because this isn't about her - it's about DS who loves both sets of GP. And it isn't a competition about who DS loves best either.

2minsofyourtime Sat 22-Nov-14 09:57:47

Your dm is the problem, she sounds sulky and flouncy.

The only way to stop it is the stop pandering.

LucilleBluth Sat 22-Nov-14 10:30:00

I'm so glad that the majority seem to be saying it is the the ops mum being unreasonable, I was waiting for a MIL bashing ( I have no idea what they have done but well done to you op for putting the DCs first).

Hissy Sat 22-Nov-14 10:39:43

let her boycott it and make sure she knows that you'll be telling everyone that she couldn't be bothered to come

Nanny0gg Sat 22-Nov-14 10:43:27

I think on the face of it, that your DM is wrong.

However, we have no idea how bad the situation between you and your husband and you PiL has been and what your parents have had to either deal with, or stand back and watch.

You said: Some of the things dh has done have been pretty bad and Pil were extremely overbearing when ds was born but have backed off now. But my parents don't like how they behaved and some of the things they've done since. which to my mind means that they don't deserve some of the things said about them on here. If they have supported you, listened to you and helped you, feeling put out by this situation does not make your mother a 'cow' or 'ridiculous and childlike' etc. We don't have enough information to make that judgement.

However, this is AIBU, so I'm not surprised.

maddening Sat 22-Nov-14 10:49:42

How bad was the stuff that Dh and pil did?

MommyBird Sat 22-Nov-14 10:50:32

My mom hates my MIL because of the way she treated me. She was horrible when I had PND and was constantly letting our DC's down.
You'd never of guessed it though, she was polite and lovely to them when she saw them because its just the grown up thing to do.

Your mum is being unreasonable. She just needs to suck it up and be the bigger person.

maddening Sat 22-Nov-14 10:50:42

Ha nanny ogg - we obviously agree smile

MommyBird Sat 22-Nov-14 10:51:48

But then again. .it also depends on how bad your DH was and what your PIL actually did?

Tobyjugg Sat 22-Nov-14 10:53:24

Tell Mum to suck it up and turn up. We can't stand our DD's ILs but for the sake of the g'kids we have to meet up from time to time and make the best of it.

Hurricaneinateacup Sat 22-Nov-14 10:56:03

Pil were just extremely overbearing. They were quite rude to me and made it clear they weren't bothered about me, they just wanted ds. They put a lot of pressure on me to go back to work because they wanted to have ds. Also they turned up the day after I got home after having had a c section with SIXTEEN assorted family members (they arrived in convoy). They had apparently just invited everyone without checking first. Dh should have out his foot down but won't when it comes to mil. They let me make cups of tea and sit on the floor as not enough seats and just passed ds around all day, I didn't even see him. They stopped for about eight hours. It was horrific.
There's quite a lot more things since but the way they were when ds was born was quite quite made. They have several other grandchildren too, he's not the first. But he is the youngest. Generally they seem to lose interest a bit after the baby stage when the child gains a bit more independence and can't be handed around from person to person.

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