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To wish DD wasn't quite so friendly?

(118 Posts)
ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Fri 21-Nov-14 23:31:18

She's 6 and she's quite loud, confident and chatty. Unlike me. My older DD is very reserved and quiet so DD2 is a bit of a mystery to me at times.

She will talk to ANYONE with the same degree of open friendliness as she does her mates, her teachers and her family.

Today we got a bus and it was a long wait on a lonely stretch of road in a rural village. A man came along to wait also.

It was raining and the bus shelter offered the only protection...it was a wooden one...you know with three sides and an open front.

Anyway, this man came inside and began smoking roll ups which I cannot abide the smell of...not to mention there were two children in the shelter.

I decided to ignore this and stood at the edge with the DC so they weren't breathing it in.

DD immediately catches his eye and begins chatting to him and I turn to look and he's just filthy dirty and smells of unwashed person...his clothes were tidy and clean looking but his hands were black and he has dirty nails and as I said he smelled really bad...and he just had the air of someone I didn't want to chat with on a dark night down a bloody lane.

I don't know what to do about this? Should her instinct about who to talk to and who not to talk to be in place by now? She turns 7 in March...or am I being awful and should I celebrate my non-judgemental child? He was "alsright" but I was unnerved by him...you know how you just are by some people? My instincts had sort of kicked in and I didn't want to engage with him but there was DD telling him about her singing lessons. hmm

Because of DD breaking the ice I HAD to!

squoosh Fri 21-Nov-14 23:38:01

I think it would be wrong to try and get a 6 year old to suppress her natural personality beyond the usual parental caveats of 'don't get in cars with strangers' etc. This guy may well have been dodgy, he may well have not been dodgy, but she was with her mother and no harm came to her. As she grows she'll learn to pick up on the more subtle vibes that people give off that children are oblivious to.

She sounds lovely!

EdSheeransGString Fri 21-Nov-14 23:39:40

Yabu for judging someone on their appearance but Yanbu about your Dd talking to anyone.

My Dd is the same and I've had several uncomfortable bus journeys etc with her wittering on and on to anyone who looks in her direction.

Most people are happy to chat to her but some are obviously pissed off by it and it's hard to explain to her to be quiet without looking like a twat.

My Dd is 5.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Fri 21-Nov-14 23:42:19

Am I really BU for judging someone on their appearance if they smell AND if they smoke in an enclosed area with DC there? I'm no smoking nazi but I don't think it's at all polite to do it in a bus stop when it's raining!

ticktactoegivemeago Fri 21-Nov-14 23:43:36

Both my older DC know they are not to talk to strangers. It's a chat we have had since they were small.

Yabu for judging him!

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Fri 21-Nov-14 23:45:57

Honestly? You would not judge a smelly person who smoked in an enclosed area near children?

Really?

hmm

EdSheeransGString Fri 21-Nov-14 23:47:59

I wouldn't like it but I wouldn't make the assumption that they were a bad person.

Then again I am one of those horrible smokers.

I would never smoke in a bus shelter if there were other people around though

AgentZigzag Fri 21-Nov-14 23:48:05

Although you should try not to judge people on their appearance, sometimes the stereotypes can be true.

I think you're saying that you don't want your lovely DD to bring on any unwanted attention onto you both (which is sensible in some situations) and that you can't be arsed don't want to be chatting to every tom and dick just because they're stood within chatting distance.

I can understand that, but it would be a shame to squash your DDs friendly onslaughts. Does it make you feel uncomfortable because you're so reserved yourself? That it doesn't feel 'right' and makes you a bit anxious to stand out so much in public?

AgentZigzag Fri 21-Nov-14 23:50:09

I don't think the OP said he was a bad person, rather that she didn't want to be BFF and it get to the point where her DD invited him round for a sleepover.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Fri 21-Nov-14 23:51:06

Ed I smoke occasionally too! When I've been drinking usually...I don't judge as a matter of course but sometimes we all get those feelings don't we?

Agent that is exactly it. I felt very vulnerable there. No houses nearby...just a church hall (empty) and fields. It's not that I can't cope with a bit of a chat...I can and do chat on buses etc but it's because we were in a vulnerable situation really.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Fri 21-Nov-14 23:52:04

Agent grin at BFF and a sleepover!

She bloody would too!

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Nov-14 00:00:47

You making the decision as an adult when/where you want to chat is going to be different to your DD chatterboxing to all and sundry.

Whatever anyone says about not being ridiculous he's only a bloke waiting for a bus, sometimes you can read situations when you don't want to draw attention to yourself/small children.

Have you tried to explain the social norms around interacting with people you don't know in public to your DD? It's different now because you don't let her go anywhere on her own, but in a few years time she'll be off out with mates getting up to all sorts down at the library doing her homework and it's not always a good thing to chat to whoever you're stood next to on the bus going home.

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Nov-14 00:02:54

She sounds bloody gorgeous ClawHands, people will be drawn to her like a magnet for all the right reasons smile

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Sat 22-Nov-14 00:06:06

I have told her not to talk to people who make her feel uncomfortable or who make her unhappy...that's just basic and she takes that as meaning kids at school who're not so kind or something.

I think I might tell her, if Mummy's chatting to someone we don't know, then it's ok to join in...but you're not to initiate conversation yourself as Mummy must be the one to do that. But then....that might stop some of the nice chats she has....like the other day in the queue in a shop she turned to a lady behind us and just grinned and the lady admired her missing teeth...and then they had a long conversation about teeth.

Or the elderly man on the bus who told her about his old job as a train driver...he gave her 50p in the style of the old Northerners around here...as we got off and I know some people might refuse it but I didnt...

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Sat 22-Nov-14 00:06:41

Thanks Agent She is rather cool grin

Metalguru Sat 22-Nov-14 00:09:37

He smelled of unwashed person and has dirty nails? hmm Is that really how you want your DD to judge people as she grows older? What is the relevance?

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Sat 22-Nov-14 00:13:21

No....its more than that...he smoked in the small area of the bus shelter...and sometimes instinct just makes you shy away from someone. OR have you never experienced that Metal?

Coyoacan Sat 22-Nov-14 00:13:30

She does sound lovely, OP. But I'm not certain whether her talking to a person is really liable to make them more of a threat to you?

I remember reading somewhere that it is harder to mug or attack someone who is pleasant and friendly.

FelixTitling Sat 22-Nov-14 00:20:40

I think this is a lovely trait which will get her far. She sounds engaging and confident and I'd just let her get on with it. It's going to be several years before she's out and about on her own and by then she will know more about personal safety, I can only think that her ability to connect and communicate is a good thing that should be allowed to develop.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Sat 22-Nov-14 00:23:21

Coy that is a good point. I am nervous of getting into a situation where someone could say inappropriate things for some reason...I've had a few nasty experiences in the past when alone and I think it's coloured my reactions. sad

Felix you're right. The odds of her chatting to someone who was "bad" are probably very low. My Mum always says children have very good instincts.

SurfsUp1 Sat 22-Nov-14 00:26:03

The whole reason I have always encouraged my children to talk to strangers is to activate that instinct we all develop about there being something "not quite right" with someone. My ds1 is 7 and ds2 is 5 and by now I think they would both choose not to talk to someone as creepy as the guy you describe.

Telling children not to talk to strangers doesn't work at all, so that's really not the other option.

Maybe discussing the situation with her afterwards would be helpful. Mention that the guy gave you the creeps and didn't she think he seemed a bit off?

I would have thought she'd have learned to be a little more discerning by her age but then every child is different. She may just need a nudge.

Hakluyt Sat 22-Nov-14 00:33:13

"Maybe discussing the situation with her afterwards would be helpful. Mention that the guy gave you the creeps and didn't she think he seemed a bit off?

I would have thought she'd have learned to be a little more discerning by her age but then every child is different. She may just need a nudge."

Or maybe she's just not a judgemental person? Which is, surely, a good thing? We don't all think dirty nails makes somebody a danger to the public hmm

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Sat 22-Nov-14 00:33:44

Surf It's like she didn't even see the things about him which might make most children recoil a bit..she didn't react to the smell or his filthy (and I MEAN filthy) hands...she just saw someone to talk to. I should have said afterwards maybe that I didn't like the man?

Thewrongmans Sat 22-Nov-14 00:40:53

You have told her not to talk to people that make her feel uncomfortable? But what about her making others feel uncomfortable? While you may think she is 'rather cool' others may see her as highly annoying and obnoxious.

Hakluyt Sat 22-Nov-14 00:42:10

"Surf It's like she didn't even see the things about him which might make most children recoil a bit..she didn't react to the smell or his filthy (and I MEAN filthy) hands...she just saw someone to talk to. I should have said afterwards maybe that I didn't like the man?"

Well, you could. If you want her to be the sort of person who judges by external appearance...........

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