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If your daughter emailed to let you know they were suicidal

(46 Posts)
CorthlessWunt Thu 20-Nov-14 23:46:53

what would you do?

I spent last night in hospital because of suicidal behaviour and now am under care of crisis team. My mum does not enjoy talking to me much, she has no energy due to menapause. I emailed to suggest some help for menapause a few days ago and she emailed back asking how my cat was etc today. So I emailed and said what had happened. She emailed back saying she was sorry, hopes I'm ok, let her know what happens.

AIBU to have wished for a phone call? AIBU to feel that the menapause should not prevent you lifting the phone?

If it is relevent I've never let her know about a crisis before, it's not a freqent event, though she does know about my depression.

Am I being a selfish cunt?

Bowchickawowow Thu 20-Nov-14 23:52:26

No you aren't. I hope you are ok.

SallyMcgally Thu 20-Nov-14 23:54:06

No you're not. thanks

Ujjayi Thu 20-Nov-14 23:54:54

YANBU & certainly not selfish. I am sorry you are going through this.

Has she always been this way? Avoiding emotionally challenging situations?

Preciousbane Thu 20-Nov-14 23:57:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnieLobeseder Fri 21-Nov-14 00:01:07

Oh good lord, if you were my daughter all the powers of heaven and earth wouldn't be able to keep me from your side. I'm so sorry your mum isn't supporting you through this. The only thing I can think of is that it's not just menopause - maybe she didn't want to tell you but she could be struggling with mental health issues of her own.

As for your suicidal thoughts, I hope you're getting the help you need. Whatever you're going through, however you feel, it will get better and there are so many amazing things ahead of you. Hugs.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes Fri 21-Nov-14 00:02:24

No, you're not if you asked her to call you. If you didn't say that a phone call would be nice right now, thwn I think yabu to assume that she would know to call you. She might not feel comfortable talking on the phone, worried she might say the wrong thing, or simply think that phone calls wouldn't be allowed in hospital. Her motives could be concern for you, not knowing what to do for the best etc. A lot of people don't want to talk on the phone when they have depression, or have anxiety which makes phone calls difficult, she may have been thinking that you wouldn't want a phone call for lots of different reasons.

You are not being selfish, or a cunt. flowers

lildottie Fri 21-Nov-14 00:03:57

yanbu and I can relate to the issue of a parent causing you to feel unvalued. i had a really rocky relationship with my father, then about 5 years back he forgot a conversation we had where he agreed to come and see my new house the next day (and demanded jokingly that I should bake him a cake which I did). he didn't turn up and when I phoned him he knew nothing about it. the next night he phoned me and didn't remember the 2nd conversation. he was drunk both times. when I told him how upset I was he told me it was my life and he wasn't interested in seeing my house, seeinh me get married, have kids etc. I have only spoken to him a handful of times since, mainly to be civil for my siblings sakes. when I got engaged he tried yo act like nothing had happened and when I raised what he'd said he told me to f off. my point is as much as it still hurts sometimes that we don't speak, it is far less painful than the pain he caused me that week end and all the years before. I've been much happier not feeling obliged to see him and deal with his issues whilst he had no regard for me. I'm not going to tell you that you should cut your mother out if your life, but I wanted to share my experience.

I have also suffered with depression in the past, often linked to my dad. but whilst I've had suicidal thoughts I haven't been in a situation like where you find yourself now. please do what you need to to get better. there is a whole world of support out there. you deserve to get better and be happy whatever you choose to do about the situation with your mum. thanks

TwuntingCrow Fri 21-Nov-14 00:07:20

You are SO NOT BU

Sending love xx

CorthlessWunt Fri 21-Nov-14 00:09:27

No i didn't ask her to call, because I asked her to call me more last week and she didn't want to due to being tired etc.

Yes, she dislikes emotionally difficult situations. I think it is hard for her no doubt, but at the same time I feel that she will always, always put her own comfort ahead of my needs when it comes to the crunch. And I wondered if I was being U to expect my mum to still do stuff she finds hard to help me, now I'm an adult and she feels I should be able to manage alone or get a partner to turn to when feeling down.

GettingJiggyWithIt Fri 21-Nov-14 00:10:25

You are not worthless. You deserve more support.
If you were mine I would be round like a shot with cuddles hot choc and haagen das.
But that said depression and illness as you know can be utterly overwhelming, debilitating and exhausting. Potentially she feels guilty and is minimising or she does not know what to say and therefore being avoidance or she is in denial about how low you are. Or she is barely coping herself or is scared of blame/rejection/treading on eggshells or she is a complete selfish narcissist.
I hope you get some kind of support on here and from the crisis team. If your mum has not ever shown you a level of concern then I think you would be better off with limited contact and sub expectations. Try and find a decent depression group/self-help group/fellow sufferers and do not blame yourself for the weaknesses of others. You are NOT worthless, no one is.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease Fri 21-Nov-14 00:11:11

Can you have a relationship with her at her level, tell her about your cat? Some people don't deal with mental health very well, at all, my own mother doesn't - she wouldn't pick me up from hospital at 14 after a suicide attempt and I had to make my own way home 7 miles from the hospital the next day.

I just accept that I can only have the 'cat-level' relationship with her these days. Doesn't make it right but I can gain what I do from the relationship she can have, or go no contact and have nothing, and I choose something.

I'm sorry you've reached this crisis point. Have you other avenues of communication and understanding, people to reach out to other than mother?

CorthlessWunt Fri 21-Nov-14 00:12:13

I've asked her if she's felt unwell with depression or similar, because she is so distant, but she insists it's her hormones and that she has a contented life with my stepfather and sister.

I feel like a big thorn in her side.

mymummademelistentoshitmusic Fri 21-Nov-14 00:13:07

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

nocoolnamesleft Fri 21-Nov-14 00:13:55

Thank you. For reminding me to appreciate my own parents, who when I rang them from hospital, as an adult, dropped everything to come help me. Which is the normal reaction: you are not selfish.

But I'm not going to condemn your mum, because only you know:

Can she not be arsed? (In which case I'd like to tell her what I think of her!)
Or is she sitting awake thinking "I'm really worried about CW but I don't want to upset her more on the phone, and if she wanted to speak on the phone she'd have rung me, but I want to talk to her and see if she's okay, but I don't know if it's the right thing to do"?


scousadelic Fri 21-Nov-14 00:15:12

Definitely not unreasonable. If I had that email I'd be in the car and on my way in seconds.

Menopause is not an illness, it's rather like pregnancy in that it can make you feel odd, grotty, allsorts of things but it is not that debilitating so there is either more going on with your mother or she is being a real wet lettuce. I can say that as one going through it myself

Hope you are ok

CorthlessWunt Fri 21-Nov-14 00:17:40

I've tried having the 'cat level' relationship (thank you for making me smile at such a bad time!) with her when I can, but I always feel I am pretending to be ok, even when I am genuinely trying to talk about upbeat things and talk about books or something we have in common she isn't very interested and that ends up making me feel crazy.

I am having memories of childhood abuse and she said she doesn't want it to be true (so I know she cares on some level) but it makes me feel not believed, which again doesn't help our relationship.

GettingJiggyWithIt Fri 21-Nov-14 00:20:54

Sorry x-posts and that should say avoidant above. My DD will always be my baby even when she is an adult. I always say it is easy to love someone at their best, at their worst behaviour or lowest ebb it is harder but that is what unconditional love is. I feel for you. I am probably old enough to be your mum but I still need mine too...Sadly I am in the boat that I cannot talk to many family members about mental illness as my family are into competitive hardship and I will no doubt be told to pull myself together so I do hear you and I think you need to accept that maybe your mum is not able to be emotionally available.
You can either try once more and tell her she has hurt you or her apparent indifference has or you should limit your contact for the good of your own self-esteem.

CorthlessWunt Fri 21-Nov-14 00:22:18

No, I'm not suicidal right now at this minute. When I was genuinely afraid for my safety I went to the hospital last night. I am now under the community mental health team, calling when I need to and daily appointments when I start to feel unsafe.

I have also taken rather a lot of sedatives, so I can think about this more objectively and make this thread.

But last night I was pretty damn close. I chose my hotel to book. I have access to over one thousand units of insulin which would send me off in a nice peaceful way along with a bottle of vodka and a handful of pills to make me sleep so I would not feel the low glucose take hold.

Hence going to get help.

GettingJiggyWithIt Fri 21-Nov-14 00:29:41

X-posts again. I try to only ring home these days when I am positive/can fake is not worth ringing to vent or cry as the support is lacking. I am sorry she doesn't sound that interested and cannot help.feel it is masochistic to continue giving a damn although hard not to.
Suggest you talk through past memories with trained professional. I believe you. So will they. Whatever happened still WASN'T YOUR FAULT. You are correct in saying your mum's reaction means she does care BUT to try and go lalalalalala and bury her head about it hoping it goes away won't help you at this point. Please seek/continue therapy so that you can begin the healing process. big hugs xx

PrettyPictures92 Fri 21-Nov-14 00:34:17

Cause calling someone who's feeling suicidal attention seeking just because they're able to talk on mn is such a great idea mymum

OP I hope you're ok flowers You're not selfish, you need a bit of extra support and your mother isn't there for you. That's one of the hardest things to deal with when you feel this way. I was made to apologise at 15 after I overdosed, I'll never get passed that. For now surround yourself with people who can and will support you, you deserve that. Be kind to yourself - never underestimate how much it can help! You're incredibly brave and strong for seeking help when you needed it, I hope you know that flowers

CorthlessWunt Fri 21-Nov-14 00:36:47

Thank you so much. The kindness and gentleness here means a lot.

GettingJiggyWithIt Fri 21-Nov-14 00:38:17

Good girl. Continue to get that help or reach out even if on Mumsnet. Have lurked on the mental illness boards - they seem like a decent bunch over there and can empathise/will also have been there. Not sure the insulin OD/vodka/pills is a) good thing to mention here as it can be triggering b) a hypo is not going to help you if you are hurting as you cannot access that help once it takes hold. Hand your insulin stockpile back to your care team. Unless you have a life-changing illness and that option gives you comfort then it becomes a morbid thought/temptation that could put you in danger. same with sedatives. You need a talking therapy as opposed to self-medicating my lovely. Please seek further help tomorrow.
Take care of you.

Butterflywings168 Fri 21-Nov-14 00:42:55

Oh CW, I'm sorry :-( flowers

GettingJiggyWithIt Fri 21-Nov-14 00:44:12

excellent post Pretty pictures. flowersThat comment boiled my piss too.
No one who has suffered from depression themselves would ever dismiss you as attention seeking OP
cakebrew Get a cuppa and I will try and think of some slab twaddle to divert you !

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