to let this "friend"&a
cute;s comments bother me?
Bit of background: I live abroad and have found it very hard to make friends with like-minded people. I have known an English girl for a few years now and she has become a "good" friend. We see each other regularly.
Granted I don´t live in the prettiest of areas, it´s very urban and on the outskirts of a very big city. However, there are worse places and it´s my "home". I live in a flat.
Recently, said friend has started making comments about where I live. She makes references to the large amount of immigrants living here, the transient population as she calls it, the fact (according to her) that the schools aren´t so good, oh and a more recent disparaging comment of how I live in a flat, implying that this is a bad thing.
In truth I am not sure where she gets her "facts" from being that she doesn´t actually live here herself
She seems to think that by living in a house out in the suburbs this makes her somewhat superior to me. Or at least that is the impression I get.
I suppose I should just let her comments roll off my back but it´s starting to really niggle me. If she is so shallow as to be bothered where I live then I suppose she isn´t a friend at all...or am I being over-sensitive?
I have so few friends where I live I admit to holding on for the sake of company, somebody to have a chat and a moan with. In other ways she´s really good.
What would you do? I don´t really want to tackle her over it but if I start making excuses not to see her she´ll smell a rat. Maybe I should just cut my losses...life´s too short.
Anybody offer any witty retorts if nothing else?
You could always ask if she's worried about you because you've noticed that she brings it up a lot - something non-confrontational as she might genuinely not realise that she's doing it, or even believe that you are unhappy there and so she is trying to commiserate.
I would also think that it depends how much it bothers you. If you enjoy her company in general and would find yourself at a bit of a loose end without her then you can just accept that part of her and ignore it. If you find the comments more annoying or rude than you find her friendship enjoyable, then cut her loose.
If she is a good friend, tackle it head on instead of letting it fester.
Give her the opportunity to save face over it so you don't have to get into an argument and she doesn't have to be mortally embarrassed if she has just been a bit insensitive.
For example, next time she makes a comment: "Oi! Are you dissing my neighbourhood?" Or tease her about her bland suburban life while you are keeping it real next time she carries on. Or ask her if she can give you £x,000 pa so you can have a better lifestyle.
I have a much richer friend who I love dearly but who regularly forgets that everyone else can't afford to live like she does. Seriously, why don't you just move to a bigger house near a lovely organic butchers? You do know you could have someone do all your gardening for only a couple of hundred pounds a month? Mockery and direct challenge work best, always with a smile.
I dunno i guess it depends how bad your area would seem to someone who doesn't live there. my friend lives in a flat in a dangerous area so I refuse to go there. I don't feel safe and im honest about that. in my group of friends we are all honest with each other though
Thanks all for helping me get some perspective!
Also perhaps point out that you are both immigrants? She probably means non-English or non-white ones, but it might shame her a little to point out that to natives of the country you two are also 'other'.
Agree with PPP that some gentle challenge is required here. I have friend like this, and it was rally beginning to grate when she slagged off the area in which my husband grew up, my kids were born, and where we will be living for the foreseeable future. In the end I said "are you going to give me the extra £200k so I can live next door to you?" Funny enough a cheque has not been forthcoming and she's shut up
Have a similar problem, short on friends right now and one of them is a pain in the rear always talking about her kids top rated private school.
It's hugely boring for one thing and she seems quite snotty about the fact my kiddo goes to the state school at the end of our road. I am having a real dilemma about it. She just keeps on and on about it. Is your kid doing this subject? Does your kid really have 30 in the class?
Not sure how to handle the unfair comparisons to be honest. She even said one day "you have CHOSEN not to send yours to private school"
Chosen? What.. because I don't have thousands spare for the next 15 years? She knows we aren't well off, she knows the small house I live in and the fact I don't have hols or buy new clothes. What the heck do I do?
Changing the subject is a toughie as its her main subject!
Sympathies to you fedupfriend, but when you have no one else to turn to, you end up sucking it up and then feeling a fool.
Was going to say what NormaS said.....the tell her to grow up. Your not asking her to pay the rent FFS
Have I read this right? You both live in a country that's not England and she's complaining about immigrants? Even though she is one?
I am Australian and always find it quite odd when English immigrants complain about ... immigration.
I sympathise - I've been an expat due to my/DH's work for years, moving around quite a bit and it's never easy making friends. I've also found myself in "friendships" at times and wondered "would I actually bother with this person back home?!" It's tough, but I have to stick to my values. So when someone was recently talking about "immigrants" being given social housing in her upmarket neighbourhood in Paris (which wasn't fair to the immigrants, you see, because they would feel so out of place and wouldn't be able to find their "ethnic" foods!!), I pointed out that we were both immigrants and had probably contributed less to the local economy than these people had!
It sounds to me like she's more a friend of convenience - perhaps you just need to make an effort to meet more people you have more in common with? For me I know overcoming language barriers was the most important thing, and then joining groups, activities, sports etc to try to meet like-minded people. And overcoming shyness and taking the first steps to follow up with new people I do like.
I've had similar happen to me. I grew up in an area that while not considered the worst in my home town, was not desirable. People would make judgements about 'chavs' and 'scum' and one particularly memorable comment was 'I'd like to bomb the whole place....not you though' like adding the last bit made that incredibly offensive bullshit okay. Well I liked where I grew up and I would still be happy to live there now (moved due to uni/work).
If a friend judged where I lived in the way the OP describes then they would be no friend of mine. And if someone refused to go to my home because of the area it was in despite the fact that I happily live there, same applies.
Thanks again for the comments
And as some of you quite rightly point out, it´s a bit rich to say the least her making disparaging comments about immigrants when she is one herself.
And yes I often wonder if we would be friends had we met in England and the truth is I very much doubt it...and I suppose there lies my answer.
Having said that, not sure I am capable of burning my bridges just yet...
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