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To really not like last minute arrangements being sprung on me?

(36 Posts)
allyjay Thu 20-Nov-14 17:46:52

I have a friend who often texts me last minute to try and get together. So for instance last Friday just before I was about to set off with the children on the school run, I noticed a text from her saying 'do you want to go into town after dropping the kids off at school today?' I said no because I had my youngest DC with me all day and it would have been a real chore with him in tow. I suggested we went Monday instead if she could make it, because then I would be child free. She said fine. So no problem.

Then today about an hour or so ago I noticed another text from her from this morning saying 'can I pop down in an hour for coffee'? Obviously I missed it ( don't check my phone all that often), so will have text her in a bit to apologise for not replying earlier. This has happened quite a bit since we've been friends, only about 6 months, and sometimes I will just say yeah fine but more often than not I will say no can't do\make that.

My question is: am I weird for really not liking spur of the moment arrangements? My DP thinks I am bit. In his opinion I should just go with the flow, if I can. I, on the other hand, prefer to have someone say to me 'are you free later on this week or next week, for catch up/coffee /whatever'? Also, this same woman often gets in touch last minute to change arrangements too, for example if we've arranged for her to come at 2pm, she will text to say can I come at 1.30 pm instead? Which drives me mad. Is she a bit of a boundary pusher or am I just bloody strange for not liking arrangements sprung on me/changed at the last minute? Does anyone else feel like this?

Bit of addional information: I have three children, 2 of whom under 6 and one who is at home with me most of the time. I am a very introverted person, so sometimes struggle with socialising and I am also pregnant and feeling really quite down at the moment, and wanting to socialise even less than usual. She knows that I am feeling down and not great company at the minute.

So should I say something to her about not always being able/wanting to do things with her last minute or keep quiet and stop stressing about it? Because it is starting to stress me out a bit. She is a lovely woman and I don't want to hurt her feelings by saying something but I am starting to feel quite resentful about it. I often can't just drop things to see her or do something with her and I often don't want to anyway. Proper arrangements, made in advance, no problem whatsoever.

Any thoughts? Anyone else feel like this? Is it me that's out of step?

MrsHathaway Thu 20-Nov-14 17:57:55

I wouldn't cope well with her either.

I can't have people just pop round in case I haven't tidied enough and I can rarely just pop somewhere - I don't take a purse or changing bag on the school run, for example.

On the positive side, my planning capabilities mean that when someone comes round by arrangement there will be cake and I'll have found the book I said I'd lend.

allyjay Thu 20-Nov-14 18:01:38

Yes it is partly about not being ready or having a messy house. Mainly for me though is because I need to 'psych' myself up for social encounters. I even find the school run difficult sometimes. God I'm so sad aren't I? sad

BertieBotts Thu 20-Nov-14 18:01:48

It's just a personality thing I reckon. I like last minute arrangements and if stuff is arranged too far in advance I forget about it, but not everyone is the same. I would say something, she might not realise.

LadyLuck10 Thu 20-Nov-14 18:02:03

I think yabu. She's only asking you not summoning you. As in the first case which you arranged for the Monday and it wasn't a problem, so just do that then.
I just can't get annoyed or bothered by these types of things. either you can't make it or you can.
Wrt canceling at the last minute maybe you can ask her to give you more of a heads up because an arrangement was made?

DoJo Thu 20-Nov-14 18:09:14

I don't think either of you is 'wrong' to do things the way you do - it's just a preference. I am somewhere in between, in that sometimes I love a last minute arrangement and sometimes I feel caught on the hop. I also make both types of arrangement, and can plan things months in advance sometimes, and half an hour in advance at others. I try and keep the house reasonably tidy, but have been caught out before and just apologised - nobody really cares as much as you do, but I can understand the feeling of chatting away to an unexpected visitor and suddenly noticing a spiders web the size of Norway dangling above their head!
If you think she's starting to be upset by you turning down her offers, then mention to her that you aren't often able to make short-notice plans and suggest that you make firmer arrangements for a few days in advance to ensure that you still get to see each other.

allyjay Thu 20-Nov-14 18:12:03

Yes I think it is a personality thing. Also, she's outgoing and I'm not.

I know it's daft to get stressed about it. My DP thinks I'm crackers, but it keeps happening and more often than not I turn her down then feel bad for doing so, even if I then make other arrangements with her. I would have hoped she might have got the message by now and stopped asking me last minute, and realised that I very rarely say yes to these things.

allyjay Thu 20-Nov-14 18:23:42

I don't think I am upsetting her by saying no because I always make sure I make alternative arrangements with her. I think I might have say something like DoJo suggested about not always being able to do things last minute.

slinkyfiggy Thu 20-Nov-14 18:29:05

I too am somewhere inbetween the two!

I don't mind making last minute arrangements sometimes, eg if I see a friend on the school run and they suggest a quick coffee, however I wouldn't want to do last-minute things every day.

I do enjoy my own company, so if I have got it in my mind that I'm going to be spending time on my own, then I'm not keen on doing something last minute that interferes with it!

RandomMess Thu 20-Nov-14 18:31:57

I think you should drop into convo when you next see her about "I'm not usually able to make last minute get togethers, I'm one of those people who need to plan their diary in advance" that way she will know for certain that you'd rather arrange stuff in advance.

allyjay Thu 20-Nov-14 18:33:58

I think I am also a little bit wary of her because when we first started to become friendly back in May she dropped my DS off after he played at their house and I invited her in for a cup of tea. She and her DD stayed about an hour and a half. All good.

As she was leaving she said she would drop round a book that we had been discussing a day or two later. She dropped it round two days later and ended up staying for two or three hours, then a day or two later popped round with something else and stayed for ages too. By this time I was starting to think God she needs to back off a bit. I felt a bit suffocated by her to be honest. Hence me asking is she is a bit of a boundary pusher. I'm now a bit scared to get too close to her in case she ends up moving in with me!!!

slinkyfiggy Thu 20-Nov-14 18:36:11

Argh gosh yes that would make me feel suffocated too! I'm not a fan of people just randomly popping in, and if they stayed for hours it would drive me barmy!

allyjay Thu 20-Nov-14 18:44:36

The first time didn't bother me as I invited her in. But the second time I really thought she would just drop the book and run, so I was slightly non plussed when she ended up staying for hours and my best friend was there, whom I hadn't seen in ages. By the third time I was a bit speechless to be honest.

I think since then I've always held her at arms length a bit, hence me a often saying no to doing things. I feel a bit out of my comfort zone with her to be honest. And yet, she is a lovely person and I want us to be friends, but not quite so full on if you see what I mean?

slinkyfiggy Thu 20-Nov-14 18:49:23

Definitely keep those boundaries firmly in place with her! I'm sure she doesn't mean any harm at all but she does sound like the type of person that needs firm boundaries in place!

slinkyfiggy Thu 20-Nov-14 18:52:57

Next time she pops round to give you something, make sure you keep her on the doorstep and don't invite her in. Just say something like "Sorry I can't invite you in at the moment, we're just about to have dinner. See you next Thursday when we meet for coffee"

BackforGood Thu 20-Nov-14 18:54:35

YANBU, but then neither is she - it's just a differing personality thing. After all, she's asking you not making you do anything.

Whether you like people to 'pop-in' on the off chance has always been a split decision on MN - I love it, but in the case you mention, I'd have been happy to say - "oh thanks for the book, I can't invite you in today as I've got someone here. See you soon"... you didn't need for her to be there hours, you chose to allow that.

ithoughtofitfirst Thu 20-Nov-14 18:57:13

HATE IT. Agree with allyjay i have to really psych myself up for things. So much so i usually ignore my phone because i'm worried the caller will put me on the spot in some way blush

allyjay Thu 20-Nov-14 18:57:28

I know, I just kept thinking she'll go in a second. I know I would have done! But yes, I really should have said something about not being able to invite her in. Certainly the third time anyway. It's my own fault really.

slinkyfiggy Thu 20-Nov-14 19:01:39

Is she one of those people that just talks and talks constantly? I find that those types seem less able to pick up on non verbal cues that you want them to leave.

allyjay Thu 20-Nov-14 19:08:44

Yes slinky I should have not let her in. Only problem is she knocks on my door and let's herself in, so it's hard to stop her at the door. I remember she once told me that she is someone who always has her door open to people, and she fine with people just walking in, and i remember thinking 'well i'm not fine with it', and i didn't say anything! Aargh it's my own fault isn't it that things have come to this? I should have told her ages ago. I think I need to arrange to see her and have a gentle talk about not being able to do things last minute etc?

MrsItsNoworNotatAll Thu 20-Nov-14 19:09:04

I hear you. I'm not a spur of the moment person either. I don't have much time between the school run and setting off to work, actually being at work then coming home and back out on the school run. I have very little time to get stuff done and meeting up with anyone spontaneously just doesn't happen. I need plenty of notice so I can juggle things and fit in a chat and catch up.

slinkyfiggy Thu 20-Nov-14 19:11:10

Definitely keep your door locked in future, Ally!

She sounds a right pain in the arse actually!

allyjay Thu 20-Nov-14 19:12:01

Yes she does talk a lot. She will listen to me too though, to giver her her due. I do get feeling she is quite thick skinned about things, so maybe does not always pick up on things, like many other people would.

allyjay Thu 20-Nov-14 19:18:09

Ha ha slinky. I am finding her a bit of a pain in the arse at the moment, which is why I"m posting about her.

I do genuinely like her though, her heart is definitely in the right place, but I need to set her straight once and for all about a few things don't I, rather than expecting her to guess how I'm feeling.

slinkyfiggy Thu 20-Nov-14 19:22:44

I think with people like her, you are better off by keeping your boundaries with your actions, rather than trying to talk to her, as she probably won't listen, or will conveniently forget what you've said.

Decline her last minute invites and suggest a time/day that's convenient to you. I'd be quite consistent with this. Also each time she pops round, don't let her in OR be very blunt with her "You're going to have to go now, we're about to eat tea".

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