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I know I am being unreasonable. I need brutal responses to snap me out of it please

(66 Posts)
iamsofuckingfurious Thu 20-Nov-14 13:03:53

I am meeting my ex husbands girlfriend this weekend, my children will be starting to stay at their house overnight soon.

I know, I know I should be all lovely and smiley, but I really want to write a massive list of rules and reel them off to her.

I feel insanely jealous that she will spend time with my children.

I don't want her hugging them, or feeding them, or telling them off, if Im honest I want to tell her not to even look at them.

I feel physically sick at the thought of this, I have done every bit of the hard work with my children, my ex has had very little input but seems to want to step up now, which is great, but their awesomeness is all my hard work and I dont want another woman sharing in it, I want to snatch my babies and run away and keep them to myself.

I am unreasonable, I know this, but how can I stop myself being so unreasonable sad

EatShitDezza Thu 20-Nov-14 13:05:35

You know you can't do that. You just need to know she will care and look after them correctly.

As long as she likes your children and is nice and your children like her then there isn't an issue.

You know you are been unreasonable but it's allowed

GaryTheTankEngine Thu 20-Nov-14 13:07:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I understand it must be hard but try and look on it as time for you to do what you want.

I left my DH a while back and it's just me and DS now. DH doesn't see his son at all and I don't get a break from him. I would love for him to do an overnight visit just so I could go out and have some fun and re-charge my batteries.

Just flip the coin and look for the positives.

motherofmonster Thu 20-Nov-14 13:24:44

I really feel for you op. But sometimes you just have to suck it up.
Truth is that at some point another woman is going to come into there lives.

Would you rather it was a good relationship where she loved your children and were kind to them or that she was a total cow who saw your kids being in the way all the time?

You can set up all the rules you like. the only thing that that will achieve is to cause a atmosphere and it will be the kids that suffer.

I know its hard, and it took me a bloody long time to start to feel this way

Fragglewump Thu 20-Nov-14 13:31:00

I too struggled with this. But I know that I am my children's only mum and that we aren't in competition. To be honest now I'm glad that she's there as my xdh was/is pretty crap with them so she makes their time there better and I feel glad about that. I'm also grateful for the break and can go away and have fun with my new dh. I know it feels tough now. I used to make sure I looked my best when I met with them - not because I wanted him back or anything but I just knew that I would feel low seeing them go off with the kids and if I looked liked a hottie I felt less crap than if I looked like I'd just crawled out from under a stone. Make sure you line up some fun for yourself while they are away. Seeing some girlfriends or a date. It does get easier op.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Thu 20-Nov-14 13:34:26

Keep her close. Fake it till' you make it. Make her your advocate and be hers too.

She will be so surprised that she will be grateful and then you can know always that she is on your side and if she is on your side, she's on the DCs side.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Thu 20-Nov-14 13:36:55

I don't want her hugging them, or feeding them, or telling them off, if Im honest I want to tell her not to even look at them.

You know that this is incredibly selfish and if she does behave like that your children will have a thoroughly miserable time?

chasingtherainbow Thu 20-Nov-14 13:38:01

Try not to see her as the enemy. Power in numbers. If your ex is an ass, his new gf will be the one you want ok side.. to stick to your wishes and discuss things with you etc.

I know I'd feel the same if it were me, but try to think logically xx

Bulbasaur Thu 20-Nov-14 13:39:14

It might make you feel better to know that she is probably feeling awkward and nervous about meeting you. How would you feel having to meet someone you know is not going to like you and that they'll be part of your life for a while? She's a human with feelings too, and I think for now we can give her the benefit of the doubt that she has good intentions.

In the mean time, take advantage of the free time. Get some sleep, go shopping, go see a movie that you couldn't take the kids to. smile

Andrewofgg Thu 20-Nov-14 13:45:22

Reminds me of a client of mine whose DD, 8, came home from contact and said she was going to be a bridesmaid at her DF's wedding. So were her cousin (ex's sister's daughter) and two nieces of the gf. She wanted to know if she could stop it and I advised her that she had no real chance. Contact was first Saturday in the month and so was the wedding. I did not add my personal and private opinion that my client was acting like a spiteful and mean-minded bitch. You don't have to like your clients in divorce work!

iamsofuckingfurious Thu 20-Nov-14 13:50:05

Thanks all.

I, of course, won't be reeling off rules, and I will be utterly civil charming when we meet.

I suspect she is a lot of the reason my ex is stepping up now too and that is great.

I always want the best for my kids, and I begrudgingly admit this is probably a good thing.

I just never expected to feel this way, its hit me like a ton of bricks.

Notbythehaironmychinnychinchin Thu 20-Nov-14 13:52:11

I'd feel exactly the same. And I'd do exactly the same as you will do - bite my tongue, wave them off merrily and plaster a big grin on my face. Then maybe have a little cry* afterwards.

*or leisurely bath, read a book, catch up on Netflix, see friends, take myself to see a child unfriendly exhibition/film - basically anything that feels like a treat rather than a punishment. Eventually anyway.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 20-Nov-14 13:57:20

She might be a good influence on ex if hitherto he's not bothered much kept a low profile as far as the DCs are concerned. Eventually you might be relaxed enough to contemplate doing something nice for yourself until they are due home again.

Much better for the DCs if the adults in their lives appear to get along.

Hope it all works out I realise this must be very tough for you.

Vitalstatistix Thu 20-Nov-14 14:01:34

I understand this must be hard for you but how much would you hate it and hurt inside so badly if she did indeed never hug them, feed them, tick them off/guide them or look at them?

You'd be hurt and angry that your beloved children were being treated so cruelly. It happens. I've read it on thread after thread. and the mother is always hurt and worried for her children and how they are affected by not being wanted.

So when you look at it that way, you want all the things for them that you say you don't, because the alternative for them is just too cruel.

outofcontrol2014 Thu 20-Nov-14 14:12:24

I understand completely how you feel - it's natural and normal to be unreasonable in the circs. But you know you will be lovely and charming to her in real life because she could become a great friend and a real ally, not to mention the fact that you know really she will NEVER be competition for you - you will always be Mum.

angelohsodelight Thu 20-Nov-14 15:51:14

Be really nice, really lovely, and it will throw your ex and her! Probably very hard to do but ....

Marmiteandjamislush Thu 20-Nov-14 16:28:38

Hi OP,

Can I ask 3 things?

1) How are your children?

2) How long have you been separated from your Partner?

3) How long has girlfriend been around.

Unless you have been separated for years etc, I don't think you are unreasonable to be feeling like this. Would you be able to tell your ex how you feel? Or give him some ground rules.

rumbleinthrjungle Thu 20-Nov-14 18:17:37

I'd feel the same way thanks

I suggest a large amount of really good chocolate and plans this weekend to keep your mind off things and treat yourself, you need it. This has to be one of the hardest acts of unselfishness for any mum. Doesn't it suck having to be a grown up?

LokiBear Thu 20-Nov-14 18:28:59

Your kids are never going to want/love/need this woman. She is just their dad's girlfriend. You are irreplaceable. Would it help to imagine that a school dinner lady? If your child were to fall in the playground you would want the dinner lady to help them up, console them and then return them back to you - wouldn't you? Go easy on her, she might be nice. She is probably terrified of meeting you. Don't give her a list of rules straight away. Go in gently. You can make your wishes known without being ranty. Then you can drink wine. Good luck.

LokiBear Thu 20-Nov-14 18:29:39

That she is a school dinner lady ^

Sarsaparillajones Thu 20-Nov-14 19:41:48

Can I suggest you look at it another way ? You are and always will be their mum, but that means sometimes you have to be the bigger person so your DCs get what they need. I'm not saying this is easy just that's actually what being a mum is.

I'm seeing this from my own point of view. My parents split when I was 3. My dad really didn't step up. He found it easier to step away and not deal with me and my DB. I only saw him 4 times between age 3 and age 15. And then he did start to see more of us and a lot of the reason for that was his wife. I can't imagine she found dealing with a stroppy, unhappy, resentful teenager easy but she did really facilitate our relationship and I owe her a lot. I still have a hard relationship with him, but it's a relationship and if I'm honest I wouldn't have that without her.

So I am biased, and I do see the other side too. Now I am a mum I can't imagine sharing my DD with another mum but if I had too I would because that would make things easier for her.

So cake and wine and please step back and help your DC cope with all the change. and if she is a bitch and horrid to them once they start visiting then I take it all back and you are right!

iamsofuckingfurious Fri 21-Nov-14 11:47:58

Thank you all for your responses, you are rubbish at being brutal though grin

You are all right, I have booked myself in to do something lovely tomorrow after they get picked up. The dreaded meeting is tonight, although I still feel the same, and fully admit its selfish, I will smile, be super nice and laugh inwardly that she now has the prize that is my ex husband.

My children are 13, 10, 7 and 4. My teenager isn't going as he doesn't get on with his dad at all. Ex and I have been apart for about a year, I'm not sure how long he has been with this woman.

I can't believe how childish I feel about all this, its awful and I am ashamed, but I can't help it.

Grapeeatingweirdo Fri 21-Nov-14 11:53:54

I think you are brave to admit how you are feeling. If it helps, I'm the girlfriend in a similar situation and, while it was very scary for me (and her) at first, we are now allies. It does get easier but takes a long time. It's only been a year for you and you are still healing. I second what the others are saying and recommend you treat yourself to something nice. You have had a tough year and you deserve to be kind to yourself smile

Trickydecision Fri 21-Nov-14 12:04:26

That's a nice kind post, Grapes. You are quite right, it is tough for the OP, but will get easier.

No, iamso, it is not childish, awful or shameful to feel like this. It is the primitive mother's instinct to look after her brood.

flowers for you.

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