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More of a WIBU to pull my boyfriend up on these things he said...

(21 Posts)
PollyIndia Thu 20-Nov-14 09:47:23

For context, been together nearly a year. I have a 2 year old DS - he is not the father but he is great with him and DS loves him. He is generally a very kind, reliable man. However, he says stupid things sometimes and I try to ignore it. I have had doubts for a while but not sure if it's me and don't want to throw something great away, but equally, am getting to the point where I need to make some decisions.

Anyway, last night he said that if everyone involved in porn just agreed to to not market to children, and only to serve content to adults (by every porn site having a .xxx suffix), we would sort out all the problems. I was unable to let this lie (as it's NONSENSE) and it turned into a disagreement. His point was that men running porn must be family men and they can't make money from teenagers so he was sure they wouldn't really want them as customers. Mine was that it's an utterly corrupt industry that has no problems exploiting anyone for money and I don't think they give a shit about what they show to young boys and girls. Plus that's not really how the internet works.

Then this morning, talking about a cafe who said breastfeeding women should use the toilet, he said that if someone who owned a cafe didn't want to see someone breastfeeding, that was their choice, that breastfeeding was probably illegal in public years ago and the cafe owner would just get less customers. I didn't actually react to this one except to ask if he had ever seen newborn who needed feeding (he hasn't).

Is this me - should I let this stuff slide? Am asking in AIBU for the wide range of opinions so am donning my hard hat in case I get flamed!

LurkingHusband Thu 20-Nov-14 09:49:30

Sorry, what century is it ?

SageSeymour Thu 20-Nov-14 09:50:50

God knows. Just sounds like he spouts a load of stuff and isn't particularly well up on it.

I don't think the subject matter is the point. The point is that he's irritating you , he's unlikely to change so maybe consider getting rid because you're not compatible

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Thu 20-Nov-14 09:52:53

He sounds a bit thick to be honest

WiggleGinger Thu 20-Nov-14 09:53:24

Exactly what Puds said

Sounds thick

HellKitty Thu 20-Nov-14 09:54:32

What happens when you point out the flaws? Does he argue his point or listen and concede?

It just sounds like he reads the paper while on the toilet and has these amazing brainwaves that would fix the world. Without actually, you know, thinking them through..

I'd just take the piss next time he suggests something but I am evil.

littlemslazybones Thu 20-Nov-14 09:58:15

YANBU to think his opinions are naive in the first instance and incorrect and offensive in the second. YANBU to leave this relationship because you find his opinions irritating.

YABU to have let a man into your child's life, allowing your child to fall in love with him, before you were sure that you were compatible.

ENormaSnob Thu 20-Nov-14 10:00:17

Same iq as roadkill.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Thu 20-Nov-14 10:01:22

ENorma grin

Babycham1979 Thu 20-Nov-14 10:06:46

So OP, you're expecting your partner to agree with every opinion you hold? His views are hardly fringe; you may well struggle to find a prospective partner who agrees with your every word and - if you do - good luck. It would make for a thoroughly boring and depressing relationship!

I can't help but wonder if the problem is you, rather than him. You may be certain that your views are 'right', but they're not. They're just your opinions. Maybe you need to learn to be more tolerant?

PurpleSwift Thu 20-Nov-14 10:17:28

He seems ignorant. You could let it slide or you could pull him up on it but if things like this happen frequently it sounds like you both have quite a different outlook on life. How do you think this will effect your relationship in future? With say views on chores/household responsibilities/finances/how to raise your children etc.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Thu 20-Nov-14 10:21:14

Is cleaning "Wimmins work"? too.

He sounds like a tool and not the useful kind.

DoJo Thu 20-Nov-14 10:21:35

YANBU to disagree with him, but YABU to expect him to concede on a point just because you disagree with him. if you can't be bothered to formulate an argument to support your point then you can't really expect to change anyone's opinions, but equally he is entitled to hold his own views on matters and you have to decide whether they are deal-breakers or not.

riverboat1 Thu 20-Nov-14 10:21:55

The porn thing I'd think was just naive but I wouldn't get angry with him about it. The breastfeeding thing would really rile me however.

I mean he has a sort of logic to both trains of thought that show a degree of rationality and do actually suggest that he has standards of some sort. But yeah, definitely flawed thinking to my mind.

PollyIndia Thu 20-Nov-14 10:44:57

littlemslazybones - I thought we were! I said I loved him and meant it and we'd been together 6 months. But something has changed since then. In the absence of a crystal ball, how long should I wait to intro a boyfriend to DS? Longer than 6 months? Serious question, as I definitely feel guilty about this.

Babycham, you may be right about the problem being me - though really, does anyone here think that the porn industry is altruistic and eager to just do what's right for society?

to the rest of you, thanks and was worried you would say that. But thanks. It's kind of what I suspect - but want to check it isn't me. So it's not normal in a relationship to find your boyfriend irritating after only a year together?

PollyIndia Thu 20-Nov-14 10:50:26

SageSeymour - I think you probably have it spot on

PollyIndia Thu 20-Nov-14 10:51:48

HellKitty, no he argues his point. He ended up saying last night - yes, you are right, the world is a disgusting, evil place. That isn't what I said, I just said that the porn industry is corrupt and isn't going to actively help restrict their content to minors.

PollyIndia Thu 20-Nov-14 10:53:13

DoJo, I did formulate an argument last night. I can tell you what it was if you want!
This morning, I just said had he ever seen a newborn that needed feeding - it is pretty much constant. Plus I also pointed out that breastfeeding in a public place had never been illegal. But we were heading out and I didn't want another disagreement so I left it at that.

RiverTam Thu 20-Nov-14 10:58:06

you can't possibly expect to agree on everything, but some things are impossible to get past.

He sounds childish and yes, a bit dim.

AdamLambsbreath Thu 20-Nov-14 11:14:57

It is normal to disagree on things to an extent, but it sounds like you're saying these exchanges are part of a wider pattern of disagreement and differing opinions, as you've had doubts for a while. If you and your boyfriend differ fairly seriously in your political/social outlook, that could be an issue. Compatibility is important, especially when someone's views might impact directly on how you live your life together.

It depends on whether these views are dealbreakers for you, and also whether they mean he's got generally 'conservative' views about women. As other posters have asked: do you think he'd take on his share of domestic chores when you were together? And what about childcare? And if he doesn't think porn is a social ill, does he use it? Are you OK with that? Or is it just that he's a little hard of thinking wink and actually someone you want to be with but who sometimes comes out with silly ideas?

Kind of depends on the context really.

Aduaz Thu 20-Nov-14 11:50:01

His opinions on breastfeeding aren't offensive at all, I know it would put me off if I saw someone breastfeeding when I was trying to eat my dinner.

I don't understand what he meant by the porn thing. You can't control whether a visitor to your site is 15 or 22 unless you make it a member only site, ask for ID and manually approve all registrations.

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