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To Move On?

(20 Posts)
nopissingtime Wed 19-Nov-14 22:22:27

I've been in a relationship for 3.5yrs and 'D'P has always pussy footed around his Ex Wife, excluding me on numerous occasions to make her happy/keep her on side. I've mostly put up with this even though it has meant we have never been able to move in together as she doesn't want another Female in her children's lives. She is pretty unstable (seen by my own eyes, not just 3rd party stories from 'D'P)

Anyway, I've put up with this through gritted teeth but tonight I was told by 'D'P that his ex MIL was visiting his house tomorrow to see the kids (2 live with him) and even though it was my night to go to his I would have to go back to mine until she had gone as she wouldn't want me there!!

I am so sick of being told when I can and cannot be around depending on his Ex and now his Ex PIL, we had an argument, he thinks I am being unreasonable and should make myself scarce/pretend I don't exist 3/4 times a week whilst he continues with his old family life.

This relationship is going nowhere - I think I'm more upset about him blaming me than anything else! His Ex PIL don't work and live 5 minutes walk away from him and his ExW so no reason why they cant visit on one of the 3 days i'm already not welcome without encroaching on the days we are 'allowed' to be together.

Sorry for the rant, just feel so bloody low on the priority list.

OraProNobis Wed 19-Nov-14 22:26:16

God - awful for you. Just when WILL you be allowed to be a part of his life or will there always be an excuse? Is it possible he's using all that as a cover for his commitment phobia? I dunno - life is short and time is precious. I'd fuck him off for someone who'd be proud to have me in his life and happy to show it.

redexpat Wed 19-Nov-14 22:30:37

Well i think dcs should always come first but that doesnt mean that you shouldnt exist! Do you think he will ever "allow" you to become part of his family? If not, cut your losses.

nopissingtime Wed 19-Nov-14 22:49:39

I feel like i'm just a shag to be honest. I agree that DC's should come first (I have my own) but also think that adults should be able to have relationships. I feel like the OW and it's crap, his ex has a life and other partners but believes he shouldn't, he should be a Dad and that is it. He's very non confrontational and just does what he's told (by them, not me). It feels like I look after him, he looks after his ex wife but nobody looks after me. Pretty crap realization.

LadyLuck10 Wed 19-Nov-14 22:53:57

It's 3.5 years and he treats you this way. He will probably do it forever as he already thinks you're being unreasonable after all this time. It's not worth all the hassle, I would dump him. He's already shown you where you fit in his life- last!

nopissingtime Wed 19-Nov-14 23:10:41

It hurts more because they treat him like absolute crap and he bends over backwards for them whereas I'm nice to him and get pushed away time and time again?? Makes no sense at all sad

Darkandstormynight Wed 19-Nov-14 23:15:06

Some guys are like this but the namby pamby attitude would grate on me after awhile. Give him a serious ultimatum and time limit and then stick by it. If you are only a shag to him, really it can't get much worse can it?

nopissingtime Wed 19-Nov-14 23:22:31

Thanks for all of your replies btw smile It is the 'namby pamby' attitude that is really pissing me off, he texted 'why would I want to be there when it would cause crap?" Urmmm Why should I go hide away when i'm there at other times?? Plus he'd probably ring me when she'd gone to get me back for a shag!! So far down on his priority list it's a joke.

LadyLuck10 Wed 19-Nov-14 23:32:34

I wouldn't be giving him ultimatums. Why should you beg/threaten someone to treat you like an equal partner? He's put you last on his priority list, don't settle for this.
I would be angry at a response like that. He can't even see the issue in the first place.

nopissingtime Wed 19-Nov-14 23:51:51

That's the trouble, I've always given him ultimatums and then not followed through with them so it's my own fault, I'm at a bit of a crossroads now as I've built up my social life a bit more, which he hates, and now I feel a bit trapped as I am out enjoying myself (rarely) but feel like i am shackled to this crap half relationship and missing out on maybe finding something real and fulfilling (or even just fun without the crap!)

AlfAlf Wed 19-Nov-14 23:58:06

YANBU, you've been sooo very patient already. After 3.5 years you should have been accepted by ex, expil, dc, everyone...if it hasn't happened by now it never will. Don't spend your entire life being someone's second best living in the fucking shadows. You deserve more.

nopissingtime Thu 20-Nov-14 16:06:27

Thanks AlfAlf, I've told him if i have to disappear then it's over - he said why can't I just ring you when she's gone? I've been with him all day and he's just dropped me home. Looks like it's over sad He'll think i'll come round but this is just beyond belief!! And apparently I'm in the wrong??

HellonHeels Thu 20-Nov-14 16:22:20

You're not in the wrong. And he doesn't sound that non-confrontational if he's happy to order you about over being at his place or not and get annoyed at you having any kind of social life.

Is this what you want for the next ten years?

Cut your losses OP and throw this one back.

skylark2 Thu 20-Nov-14 16:35:43

You don't have a partner. You have a boyfriend.

Is that what you want at this stage in your life?

nopissingtime Thu 20-Nov-14 17:02:31

No I don't want it for the next 10 years or to just have a boyfriend, I want someone who is a partner, working together for the same goal daily and for the future. All i'm getting from him now is shitty messages, turning it around on me - so fed up with this, I shouldn't reply but he pushes my buttons and the red mist descends. Sod him, he can get on with it, he might as well bloody get back with his ex wife because unless he stands up to her he will never have a life with anybody.

AMumInScotland Thu 20-Nov-14 17:12:31

Live your own life, and give him as little priority in it as he gives you in his.

If he can't face being open about this realtionship after 3.5 years, it's just not going to happen.

needaholidaynow Thu 20-Nov-14 17:19:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiscellaneousAssortment Thu 20-Nov-14 17:33:47

Nope, I'd throw this one back in the sea.

From what you've written, he's happy with this life balance so why would he want to change?

I don't think you should waste time trying to persuade him that he's being unreasonable, beyond perhaps one last conversation.

If he wants to cling to the illusion that it's normal to behave like this, then I'm sure he be be budged by a little thing called truth.

nopissingtime Thu 20-Nov-14 17:42:35

I responded to his text but no answer - I guess he's not even allowed to communicate with me while she's there either! It drives me mad, he's always talking about me buying a house and us living together and the future - how the hell is that supposed to happen when he jumps everytime his ex (and now PIL's) ask him too - he's welcome to them, all they do is treat him like shit - he obviously likes it and doesn't need someone to help him.

tigermoll Thu 20-Nov-14 19:08:47

He is happy with the status quo - he has a girlfriend who he sees four nights a week and seems to have a friendly relationship with the mother and GPs of his child.This does not necessarily make him a bad person.

You are not happy with the status quo - you want a partner who is part of your life and includes you in his family. Some people would be happy with a boyfriend who is only a casual part of their life, but this setup is not for you.

No one has to be in the wrong, or persuade the other of your point of view. He doesn't have to change how he treats you, but you get to decide whether it's what you want. I think this relationship has run its course. You don't have to issue ultimata or have an argument with him - just call it a day.

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