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to think asking that contact is arranged 48 hrs in advance isn't unreasonable and not to back down?

(28 Posts)
CloudiaPickle Wed 19-Nov-14 21:54:56

Last weekend DD, 8, was supposed to see her father. He hadn't seen her for three weeks and hadn't been in touch during that time to ask how she is. She was thoroughly fed up of not knowing whether he's coming or not as she had various invitations that she felt she'd prefer to choose and she was also upset as there was a family event that he'd refused to swap weekends for so that she couldaattend. She left school crying on Tuesday saying she wanted to stay home for the family event/other things and asking why she has to put her life on hold for him when he doesn't even bother to see her/ask how she is for weeks on end. I contacted him, told him she was upset and asked again if he'd consider swapping. He refused. I decided to back DD up this time (theres no court order) because I knew he'd emphasise to her how she was missing the family event and how upset she'd be.

I offered that he have midweek contact tomorrow overnight, then from school Friday until Sunday night - usually he has Saturday night only. I have asked many times before that contact is arranged at least 48 hrs in advance so DD knows where she stands/we can all make plans. Several times he's waited until the morning of the day I've offered contact to take me up on it, which has left DD feeling that he was waiting to see if anything better came along first. The majority of times he hasn't responded at all, so I felt the 48 hr rule was fairer on DD so she wasn't left waiting around for him.

He hasn't replied about tomorrow or the weekend and DD has been invited to a friends tomorrow and two parties over the weekend. AIBU to stay firm with the 48 hr rule (when he potentially contacts me tomorrow or Friday to arrange contact) even though that'll mean DD hasn't seen him for 5 weeks? DD wants to stay home but will go for contact if I say she has to. I think she needs to see that her father needs to make proper arrangements and that she shouldn't be at his beck and call, but my friend says I'm being petty and he should be able to see her whenever.

woowoo22 Wed 19-Nov-14 22:10:49

I agree with you. He's being disrespectful and awkward.

mummymi Wed 19-Nov-14 22:24:42

yanbu. I made the rule that exh had to let me know by the wednesday if he wanted to see the children that weekend

redexpat Wed 19-Nov-14 22:27:13

What is in dds interests? Being messed around or knowing where she stands?

MrsSnail Wed 19-Nov-14 22:29:57

I think 48 hrs notice is a bare minimum and generous on your part. Your DD needs to know whats going on and, tbf, so do the people who've invited her to things. If he misses out, that's not your problem

HerrenaHarridan Wed 19-Nov-14 22:34:04

48 hours is bare minimum. In fact I would say it's less than bare minimum.
Poor dd, I hope she enjoys her parties

aermingers Wed 19-Nov-14 22:37:44

Well that depends really doesn't is? What are the reasons he might not be able to let you know in advance? Does he work over the weekends? Are his working hours predictable? Does he have other caring responsibilities.

48 hours would be ideal but if he has circumstances which mean that giving a 48 hour rule is going to mean vastly reduced contact or contact made a near impossibility then it could be unreasonable.

Also, it's not clear when you offered the contact you did, but if you are going to have a rule that he has to let you know 48 hours before the contact offered is due to start whether he intends to come come you should by the same token give him 48 hours in which to respond. It's not clear when you spoke to him, but it sounds like you might have spoken to him on Tuesday and said that you wanted a response the next day about the Friday. Sometimes it just wouldn't be possible to get a response at work, swap shifts or negotiate hours. So if you are expecting him to give you a response about Friday contact on Wednesday, you should offer him the contact on Monday.

I think requests about decent notice being given have to work both ways, and if you want a response with 48 to go from him, you have to in turn give him 48 hours to make arrangements.

PicandMinx Wed 19-Nov-14 22:50:39

Stop offering contact. Wait until he gets in touch with you and then you and your DD can say yes or no depending on your other commitments. Stop putting your lives on hold waiting for him to make a decision. Take back the power. He is making you wait because he can. He shouldn't be able to see her "whenever". Your DD is not a parcel to be passed from one parent to another. You and DD have your own lives to lead. If he wants to, he can fit in around you and your DD's needs, not the other way around.

IneedAwittierNickname Wed 19-Nov-14 23:11:12

Yanbu. My ex has been known in the past to let us know after he's due to pick the dc up that he isn't coming angry

asmallandnoisymonkey Wed 19-Nov-14 23:19:47

YANBU. It's obviously got to the point where your 8 year old (8! - she's not exactly worldly wise at that age), can see what an arse he is.

Don't enable him and don't force her to see him if she doesn't want to - it will only hurt her in the long run. I'm speaking as someone who had a similar father and really could've done without all his crap growing up. Stand firm, you're doing the right thing.

Jolleigh Wed 19-Nov-14 23:49:13

Another here who thinks you should stop going out of your way to offer contact. He knows the 48 hour rule...you and your DD go about your lives making whichever plans you choose. If he decides he misses her, he can call with a suggestion of what he'd like to do with her and see if the dates fit in with your schedule.

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 19-Nov-14 23:55:11

Why on earth are you doing the chasing here?

Stop offering full stop. Leave him to contact you with 48 hours notice if you already have plans you just say no

CloudiaPickle Thu 20-Nov-14 07:23:15

Aermingers - I asked 6 weeks ago about swapping last weekend so much more than 48 hrs notice. I asked again on Tuesday because DDwas upset and asked me to try again. He works from home most days during the week, doesn't work weekends and has no other responsibilities so theres really no excuse.

I offered contact as a replacement for last weekend and he was furious about me cancelling last weekend yet still hasn't been in touch to arrange contact, to speak to DD or to even ask how she is. Yet I know he'll be in touch today or tomorrow possibly accepting it then say I'm contact blocking when I say no - he's too late. It's just ridiculous that he feels the need to play these games with DDs life. If he wanted to see her, surely he could make arrangements in advance like an adult? He manages to do so for work so I don't see why he can't do so for DD.

wheresthelight Thu 20-Nov-14 07:33:36

does he know about the new 48 hour rule? if not yab tiny bit u however I do see why you are doing it and agree in principal although personally I would be setting it as you want a week/fortnight notice for it so play dates etc cam be arranged or you need to set a fixed pattern ie every other weekend and a phone call on a Wednesday and make sure you stick to her being free on those weekends

but definitely stop chasing him as he is being an arse. he has no right to contact but your daughter has the right to see him if she wants and it is in her interest. frankly it sounds like she doesn't want anything to do with him because of his cavalier attitude towards her so maybe it would be better if you stopped it all together until he decides to put his daughter ahead of himself

CloudiaPickle Thu 20-Nov-14 09:20:38

Yes he knows about the 48 hr rule - he's missed contact several times this year then accuses me of blocking it and playing games hmm

FreeWee Thu 20-Nov-14 09:36:40

Your poor DD with such an arse for a father. I can see why you're no longer with him! He's only thinking about himself and not her. Kids love routine because they know where they stand and being able to look forward to things with friends and family and also seeing her dad. Preventing her from going to an event for the sake of it is spiteful and it sounds like he's playing games with her to piss you off. What a knob. I'd say 48 hours is the least he can give you.

ScarletFever Thu 20-Nov-14 09:53:56

its simple, let him know that if he doesnt 'get in first' with confirmed dates/times you will be accepting things on your daughters behalf. You will give him x time to respond re weekends out.

I was a child with a dad that turned up when he felt like it, and more often than not he didnt, so i had to walk home from the park (meeting place, he didnt come to the house) feeling that he didnt bother.

Be the best parent you can be for your child, and she will remember it

TensionWheelsCoolHeels Thu 20-Nov-14 09:54:16

My rule is 1 wk notice but I'll allow ad hoc if we don't have plans. We went through the same thing for years & it gets beyond frustrating. Same thing of wanting to make sure he's nothing better to do before committing to seeing DD. The initial period after I decided on this rule was difficult but now he simply accepts if we have plans then they don't get cancelled for his ad hoc contact.

kiki0202 Thu 20-Nov-14 10:05:53

So your daughter doesn't want to go he's not bothered his lazy arse to phone her in weeks and is being a prick by playing control games... YANBU at all not one bit.

It sounds really unfair on your DD and I would worry what effect it would have on her later to live her life with this man who pick her up and drops her at will. I there a reason there is no formal arrangement I think maybe you should get one then if he breaks it he doesn't have a leg to stand on. IMO parents loose their rights when they stop acting like parents.

CloudiaPickle Thu 20-Nov-14 10:07:26

Usually it's set at every other weekend but as DD is getting older she's getting increasingly frustrated that he won't be more flexible so she can attend parties/sleepovers/activities etc yet doesn't do anything with her when she's at his. Therefore I've decided I'll let DD have more say in her life but offer alternative contact which he's then being difficult about arranging and claiming I'm preventing him from seeing her.

CloudiaPickle Thu 20-Nov-14 10:09:23

Exactly kiki - I said he should be striving to be involved and interested to fit in DDs life, not expecting her to fit into his when it suits him.

kiki0202 Thu 20-Nov-14 10:19:22

Your right he's wrong it's as simple as that. Tell him to take you to court if he wants and document all the times he's not showed up or made you wait for confirmation i'm sure 8 is the age where a child's opinion is taken into account legally obviously they don't get to decided but they have a voice at 8 to say what they want and how they feel.

riverboat1 Thu 20-Nov-14 10:34:38

I think YANBU presuming he isn't offering any good reason for being unable to sort out arrangements in advance.

If DSS has a sleepover or lots of parties on a weekend that is supposed to be DP's contact, it is all arranged well in advance that a swap will be made and it works out fine every time. Then again, sometimes he decides he wants to come to his dad's rather than go to the party, and that's fine too.

It is hard to find the balance between trying to promote DD's relationship with her father while also holding him to certain reasonable standards of responsibility. I would probably try to play down her suggestions that she is just a last minute fall back option for him, I think, that's so sad for her to think at 8 years old, even if it is true. And try to be unemotional and nothing but reasonable with him in terms of fair and clear rules for offering contact though it must be infuriating and hurtful.

CloudiaPickle Fri 21-Nov-14 12:25:00

He sent a text message at 10.30 last night (7 hrs after he was supposed to collect DD for midweek contact!) saying: 'am I collecting DD tomorrow or not?' Am so tempted to just reply 'not' to avoid ranting/arguing. Thankfully DD isn't fussed about not seeing him, but sadly she wasn't surprised.

PurpleCrazyHorse Fri 21-Nov-14 13:25:08

I saw my dad every fortnight, just Saturday and just during the day. If I had a party invite etc then dad would take me and collect me. Can't your ex take/collect your daughter from events that fall on 'his' contact week?

I wonder if sticking to a regular fortnightly thing might help as everyone knows what they're doing way in advance. Then any party invites can be run past him on his weeks to see if he has all day plans or if he will be able to drop DD off. I used to ask my dad if I could go to things that fell on his saturday and ask mum when it was a weekend at home. I went to some things and wasn't able to go to others as mum or dad had already made plans.

There wouldn't often be swaps, unless Christmas Day fell on dad's saturday, then it would be swapped as I always spent Christmas Day with mum.

Good luck, it's not easy.

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